How Making a Bad Decision Helped Me See God's Grace

The last couple of years have been hard. Most of the time I have felt like a lot of the hard things were happening TO me and out of my control. Now I know that's usually not entirely true but it was often how I felt.

This last week, I made a bad decision. In a split second of time, I made the wrong decision. It was stupid. It had consequences. It was scary and painful and it's effects will weigh out into the future.

Two things happened in that moment. One, I knew I made the wrong decision. It was stupid and foolish. But even though I knew all those things to be true, I also knew I wasn't stupid or bad or foolish. I wasn't going to be defined by that one decision. I am so grateful for this truth and grateful that I actually believe it. This, is grace. 

The second, was that the consequences of my decision were far less than they could have been. It could have been so so so much worse. Did God prevent consequences entirely? No. Could He have? Sure. But I saw God's protection and grace in that moment more than I have in a long time. Protection and grace that have always been there, in every circumstance, but that I wasn't always able to see.  It caused me to think about all the other hard things I'd experienced recently; about how there are so many things I don't see and understand, about how others need grace as much as I do, about how so many things are working together mysteriously for good even when the ending isn't what we'd hoped for. This, is grace. 

Now all of this is still a mystery to me and I won't pretend it doesn't still hurt but there's comfort in the grace of God, there's comfort in the presence of God and a God who is faithful even when we are faithless.

I hope that when you look at your life, when you look in the mirror, you don't see one or even many bad choices you might have made but you see the grace and beauty of God, in whose image you are made. I hope you see that grace overcomes, grace overwhelms, grace heals and gives new life even among the ruins.

Love you friends,
Jen

They shall build up the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations. Isaiah 61:4

What do you do when your dreams are crushed?

I want to answer that question, but the truth is, I'm only asking it because I'm watching as my dreams slip away. I'm not trying to be dramatic and I know things can be a lot worse, but comparing losses gets us nowhere. A dream crushed is a dream crushed and all of them matter.

I like to say things like "The process is just as important as the outcome" and "God must have something better". But today, my heart doesn't agree with my head. Today, my heart hurts and is confused and even a little bit angry.

I'm in the middle of a sabbatical and that's an incredible gift. It's also really hard. No one tells you how hard it will be. How lonely you will feel, how when the novelty and adventure wear off you will begin to doubt your worth and value or purpose in this world. How when you have stepped away from the work you are so passionate about and all the other areas of your life fall apart you feel so so empty. They don't tell you that part. Or how some will doubt you, and your intentions with this time, and how they'll tell you that on the same day that you get the news that devastates you. Not in the brochure...

I want to say that I am sure that God has a bigger and better plan. I want to say that all this will work for good. I want to say that I trust God and I'm not afraid. But I don't wholeheartedly believe any of that today. I believe it a little and I hope I will believe it more and I hope that it will all turn out to be true. But today, I got on my knees and wept and cried out to God. "So many dreams have been taken, so now what? I need you to show up. I need to know that you see me and hear me and care about this. I believe that you love me but sometimes I have to cling a little to much to past evidence and really wish I had a win for today."

Rejection and loss are hard to face. And maybe they don't define us but they are definitely land markers in our story. We try and we work and seek God and pray and plan and sometimes we are still left with nothing. Or at least, what feels like nothing in this moment. So, I don't know. I really don't know what the answer is. I think that you just stumble around in the dark until you hopefully find a light switch or maybe even just a flashlight. I think that you fall on your face and cry and tell God how much it hurts and how confused you are. I think you wait for the Lord but get up and keep going at the same time. I think you trust that he's good while maybe changing your opinion of what that means. 

God IS good. He is with us. I know he's with me. I know that when my heart hurts his does too. And honestly, that's about all I know right now. It's enough though, it's enough to take the next step. It's enough to wake up and start again tomorrow. It's enough to draw me to my knees and keep coming to Jesus, just to know that he's there.

If you feel the same today, if you just can't make sense of what's happening and feel empty-handed, you aren't alone. I hope that God's presence with you will be enough. I hope that you will draw near and pour out your heart, he loves when we come to him. I hope that you will be comforted and encouraged. You, are not alone. And I hope that we'll both be able to dream again.. even if it's just one little flicker of a flame that ignites, may it be enough to draw us out in hope for the good things that will come just as surely as the heartache.

Looking for the light with you,
Jen

"I always pray as if this one thing is true: God is for us. And it's worthwhile to keep knocking. That's all I know about faith for sure" Sarah Bessey

Best of Sabbatical Road Trip Pics Part 4

 This is a mix of photos taken on my iphone during my road trip. Many are taken while actually on the road, one of the benefits of traveling with very little agenda is that I was able to stop and take photos and take in the moment whenever I saw anything beautiful, which happened often :) Others are taken on long walks, always with a friend who sometimes was visible. 

 Glass Beach

 My cousin's daughter Bella making her lunch for school the next day (she's six :)) 

 These trees were right outside my window! 

 My sweet cousin and her little girls! They are home from the hospital now! 

 Pit stop!

 On a bridge in Folsom

"Perhaps one does not want to be loved so much as to be understood" George Orwell

 Labrinth Prayer at the Jesuit Retreat Center

 Fort Bragg Beaches are breathtaking...

 My sweet friends came to Fort Bragg to see me! 

 Chico Sunset

 Chico Trees

 An attempt at an artsy tattoo selfie. Yea baby!

"I always pray as if this one thing is true: God is for us. And it's worthwhile to keep knocking. That's all I know about faith for sure." Sarah Bessey

A red umbrella makes any picture and day better :) 

 The tides are in our veins~ Robinson Jeffers

This tiny beach in the  middle of a construction zone was supercalifragi...(you get the point)

 Clear Lake, on my way to Chico

This one makes me think about the vastness and the beauty of the unknown that is before us, all we can do is keep walking...and trust (or freak out, let's be honest, that's beautiful but also terrifying!). 

Reflections are favorites!

 Upper Park, Chico

There will be more to come in future posts I'm sure! Thanks for stopping by, feel free to say "hi" or bring me a pie (well, cookies, I really prefer cookies) :) 

Letting Go of the Timeline

I remember thinking 25 was old. By 25 my life would be settled and all of my plans would have taken shape or at least be in process. Then I turned 25. I felt like I might as well have been 15, I felt like I was only just beginning to discover who I was and none of the things I had planned for 25 had actually happened. Then 30 came and I was in almost the same situation. By this time I knew more of who I was and what I wanted but still felt really far off from the timeline.

Let me give you a glimpse of this proposed timeline that I came up with somewhere in my youth and childhood (where like Julie Andrews, I'm sure I did something good). I was going to go to a four year college and major in the sciences in preparation for medical school. After graduation I would head straight to med school and finish my residency by 29. I would marry at 30 and have my first child at 31. Guys, it was a pretty good plan if you ask me. But NONE of that happened.

My plan didn't come to pass not because I'm not smart enough for med school or desirable enough for marriage. I'm not even completely sure of the "whys" but what I've learned is that when I base my life on timelines I find myself swept up in anxiety, regret, and hopelessness. I find that I am always waiting for the next thing instead of finding joy in the moment. And so many of these unplanned and unforeseen moments have brought with them incredible joy and life and hope.

My desires haven't changed much; I still hope for marriage and family and think I'd be an amazing wife and mom (guys, I'm so much fun and love people something fierce), I'm currently preparing for nursing school because I am still fascinated by medicine and love caring for others. Those core desires  really haven't changed much but their expression has followed a very different path than I'd imagined and all my timelines have been left in the dust.

Following Jesus has been a greater adventure than I ever could have dreamed. We can make our plans but ultimately we are seeking his plans and many times they differ from ours. I have had experiences I never could have dreamed for myself. I have been a part of people's lives in ways I couldn't have imagined. I have experienced heartbreaks and disappointments that I would not have put in the plan. Through all the twists and turns one thing I am more certain of is that God has been with me. I am more sure of a loving Creator, Father and Friend than ever and as I continue to let go of the "shoulds" and "what ifs" and cling to Jesus I find more joy and hope than I could have imagined.

My story is incredible and beautiful, messy and painful, purposeful and far different than I had planned. So I keep looking to the one who shaped my heart to shape my future and let go of expectations and timelines. I find myself purposing to take joy in what is instead of what isn't (I admit I suck at this, but some things you just have to keep choosing over and over) and I find rest knowing that God is with me, that his plans are good and that he loves me.
What have you been holding onto? Are there things that you are waiting for that are keeping you from enjoying and flourishing in what already is?

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven...He has made everything beautiful in its time" Ecclesiastes 3:1,11

Why Hasn't She Left?

There have been a handful of occasions in my years on the street where I'm listening to the story of a woman and wishing I could record her words because she is saying EVERYTHING I want people to know about the realities of the Game and prostitution. Last weekend we met S and I found myself in the same position.

S recently left her pimp and has a three old daughter. She is still working to support herself and her child and many of us would wonder why? If she is free of her violent and controlling pimp why can't she get off the street? As her story unfolds it carries all of the potential roadblocks and triggers that lead someone into this life and keep them there.

Somewhere along the way she mentioned foster care, my heart sank. Not that I didn't suspect it, but sometimes I find myself hoping it won't be so consistent. The abandonment and rejection, the constantly being left and discarded. A child is given no tools to care for themselves and they have nowhere to turn, nowhere that they belong.

In a search for belonging she finds her pimp, who is often her boyfriend. He meets the need for belonging even if it's the worst kind. If she ever gains a moment of clarity and realizes that he has been using her for his own gain (just as surely as many of her foster families did) he has made it so that she has little to no chance to survive on her own.

He took her ID. That's ok, it's not hard to get a new one. She's been arrested. He kept her from her court dates. With warrants for her arrest that she couldn't avoid she cannot get a new drivers license, a job, a place to live...

He told her that she was worthless. He told her no one would believe her, they would put her in jail instead. He told her he would kill her. Others have disappeared before.

She left him because she has a daughter, a daughter who she grieves for and simultaneously dares to dream for. Grieving because of the years that have already been given over to something less than, grieving because what if she can't get out? What if she can't move on? What if she tries to and they take her daughter away? But dreaming, dreaming of a what it would be like to give her daughter a future that she herself never had a chance to know. Dreaming of being home when her daughter comes home from school, to tuck her in at a night and hold her when she has a bad dream.

The fear is almost paralyzing. The unknowns insurmountable. The road before her is long and hard and there is no way to make it easy. But she sees with more clarity than ever before, anything is better than this. Anything is better than wondering if you are going to survive another night, if you will be robbed or raped or killed. Anything is better than someone telling you they love you and turning around and selling you to anyone and everyone.

You can hear this story and feel overwhelmed and defeated, sometimes I do. But you can also hear this and with gratitude and hope in your heart, lean into the pain and dare to dream with her. It will cost you too. I don't know what, we're all called in different ways. It might cost you in empathy, or time. It might cost you financially or in dashed dreams, and the cost may not outweigh the results in this lifetime. You and she and I are in this together, whether we see it or not, my freedom and healing are wrapped up in hers and vice versa.

I don't know how you'll respond to this story, but I pray that you'll hear it. I pray that you will see the realities faced by men and women caught in this life are in no way simple or easy to overcome. That the pain and loss is beyond measure. At the same time I pray that you will hope with me for a restoration that only God can bring, for a miraculous redemption of what was lost, sold and given away, for a heart that willingly bears the burdens of others knowing that we are in this thing called humanity together and together with God, we find hope and healing.

"Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He saved them out of their distresses. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and broke their chains in pieces." 

Psalm 107:13,14

For more information on this ministry check out www.afterhoursministry.org

Vocabulary Matters

There is a way of thinking which sometimes comes down to a simple word choice, that is widespread in the church that grieves me. It's subtle and sounds so close to the truth it's easy to buy into it. But once you do, it will change everything. What seems like a harmless, at worst, half truth can change how we relate to God and others completely.

Ready for it? Here it is.

You, are not worthy.

Because grace is free and we are sinners saved by grace through faith...how can we possibly be worthy?

We are well-meaning. We say "I am unworthy of God's love, of his grace, of forgiveness."
But there is a problem with our vocabulary and it matters.

We are worthy and the price paid for us by our Savior screams that at us. Are we deserving? No. But worthy? Your worth could not be placed at a higher value.

How do we know what something is worth? One of the best ways I've understood this idea is this; the computer you're reading this on probably cost you around $1,000 because it was worth it to you to pay that much. What we are willing to pay for something defines it's worth.

So, how worthy are you? God, who created the heavens and the earth, who is all powerful, all knowing, who is love, who is just and holy... gave his only Son for you. Your worth is of infinite value,  and of the greatest cost.

What I deserve and what I am worth are two different conversations with the same happy ending, because of Jesus.

As someone who has personally struggled with knowing my worth and value I'm hopeful that we'll  change our vocabulary. That one word, misused, can send a message that is crippling in our relationship to God and others. We must know that we are worthy because God has made us so. Only then can we be free to respond to the love and forgiveness offered to us from God himself and from others.

If you want to say you are undeserving of God's love and forgiveness because you can't somehow do something to deserve it, by all means. But NEVER, have you been, unworthy. The God who loves you and created you has ascribed the highest worth to you by laying down his life for yours.


"Since you were precious in My sight; you have been honored and I have loved you, therefore I will give men for you and people for your life." Isaiah 43:4

Unpredictable Grief

"But He knows the way that I take..." Job 23:10

"Not that I'm over it but little by little its getting easier to pretend it's easier which means easier must be around the corner...". so often that's our temptation, if we can't make ourselves better maybe we can at least pretend that we are better? Of course that won't actually make us feel better but it will take off some of the pressure we feel from those around us that we feel we've exhausted with our seemingly endless grief. We might resort to small talk or maybe just isolation so we don't have to face the impending waves of grief, sure to topple us over if we face them.
We want to control it, to confine it to terms and stages, we don't want to believe that we're at its mercy. As I've observed grief in the last year, in my own life and those I love, I have learned that it is anything but predictable. We may determine to pick ourselves up and be well but the wave of grief is often stronger than our determination. We may shove our grief into categories but we'll find ourselves disappointed when we go "backwards" and wind up at the beginning. But the reality is, grief is unpredictable, it follows no pattern and no set of philosophies can pull us out of it.
I have longed to learn how to grieve well, in a way that brings hope and healing and hopefully a growth of character. The temptation is to cover it, hide from it and do anything but feel it and let it bring us to our knees.
There is no magic formula, no five or twelve step process, no words or phrases that if repeated enough times will pull you out. Even saying that grief is a "process" is in some ways our attempt to exercise some control. If it's a process, it must have a determined end. If I take all the steps in the process I'll get there. But the truth is, grief is messy and inconvenient and certainly untimely. 

We're afraid that we'll never come up again. Afraid that we can't pull ourselves out. And the truth is, we can't. We would give anything to let go of the doubts, fears, anxieties, what if's, the crushing sadness...to find peace, to trust and hope in the unknown. And there are moments where we have all that, but then, without warning, the wave of grief can topple us over and we find ourselves on our knees again. 

And we feel guilty that we're still sitting in it. Like we should have done something to pull ourselves out and it's our own fault that we're still here. And maybe in some cases there is some truth to that, we can certainly make things harder on ourselves and slow our process but often times it's just the unpredictability of grief. It's three steps forward and two back, it's a lack of control and a realization that we are not all powerful and life doesn't follow a set of rules and despite what our culture tells us we can't have everything instantly.

Grief is hard and unkind and very very unpredictable. We respond with our fight or flight reflexes because anything is better than admitting that we are at our end, that we don't understand, that the pain is unbearable and we have folded under the weight of it. We want to be strong, to move on like everyone expects us to, to feel joy more than pain. And we will. We will feel joy, and freedom and a lightness that is currently foreign but there's no telling when or how we'll get there. And there's no proof that getting there faster will actually be good for us. Sometimes we need to sit in it. We need to stop masking it, replacing it, denying it and we need to sit and let the waves wash over us, until gradually, without us even realizing it, they begin to recede and we find ourselves able to breathe, able to see, able to stand with sure feet on solid ground.

In the meantime, though it may not feel like it, we can be sure that God has us. That while our grip is loose, His is strong. That while our vision is clouded, His is clear and He sees us. That while there are no easy answers, no formulas to heal our hearts and take away the pain there are answers. God is with you. God is working. As much as you'll be unpredictably taken out by grief, you will eventually find a surprising relief. It will come. He is faithful to deliver you, whether through or out of your trials, He will deliver you. In some ways I think we'll always grieve our losses but hope will find a way through the grief, over and over again, hope will find a way. 

It's ok that you can't hear him, that you can't see him. He's still there. It's ok that you don't know how to pull yourself out of the fog, you don't have to. Sometimes our most powerful prayer is simply, "God, help!" We need His help and we need to be willing to wait so that He can work out His purposes, he will not be late and He will come. Grief is unpredictable but our God is trustworthy, unchangeable and as much as we can count on the surprising blows of grief we can count on our God to meet us in our weakest moment and to bring us through. 

"But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold...he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does. For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind." Job 23:10-14
"But the Lord was my support. He brought me into a broad place; He delivered me because He delighted in me." Psalm 18:18,19

Never Enough

I loved with expectation. Not of the return of that love or praise of that love, well, not solely for that. I loved believing that my love was enough. Enough to heal, enough to replace decades of losses, enough to soften a heart.


A few weeks ago I wrote about deep rooted idols. Things and people we allow to take the space in our hearts meant only for the one who created them. There is perhaps a greater temptation... Our belief that we can take that place in someone else's heart. That we are the answer for them.


After months of praying, and "dying to myself" I was devastated when I wasn't enough. My love didn't heal past hurts, didn't sweeten the bitterness or melt the hardness. My love wasn't enough.


Frustrated. Hurt. Bewildered. How foolish we are when we think we are the answer, how devastatingly crushing it would be if we were. The weight of another human heart is not something we can carry. We can't heal, restore and redeem. There is but One.


Perhaps our attempts to carry only increase the load for the burden bearer. Perhaps we have but to step back, palms up and empty, knees bent, head bowed and allow our Savior, Redeemer to carry both of us.


Pride and foolishness drive us, we want to be wanted, needed. We can never be enough and what ruin would find us if we were expected to be so.


And so, we let go. We look to the One. We point others to Him. We trust, we wait, we hope. He is more than enough, more than able and delights to deliver us, us and those we love.


"He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters. He rescued me from my strong enemy and from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my support. He brought me into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me." Psalm 18:16-19

His Way is Perfect

Remember that month where you suffered a loss in relationship, your roommate had emergency surgery, your car broke down, your sister fell and wound up in the ER, your stepmom lost her job, you lost your wallet only to find it later with everything missing including your Golden Spoon stamp card (are there no decent people left in the world??!), BOTH your Grandma's were in the hospital, you drove to Colorado for rest and refuge but had to pull off the highway because the first snow of the year came hard in the middle of your drive and because your wallet was stolen you had no way to pay for your hotel room and had to call your Dad? Yea...

We've all had months like this, where NOTHING seems to go our way. Some are much harder than this, and some seem to last all year. We live in a broken and fallen world. We are broken people. We take on too much and can't keep up. We carry the burdens of others sometimes forgetting ourselves. We stumble and fall and make bad choices. And confusion and heartache seem to reign.

And then... the miracle. NOTHING changes. But God. Immanuel, God with us. Somewhere in the chaos and crying out you hear Him, that still, small voice "I am with you". Somewhere in the blinding, blur you see Him, wide arms ready to embrace you. Joy, trust, peace, even laughter take over your heart, your mind, and you fall back into His arms.

We were not promised easy, we were not promised a life without pain or trials, the opposite is actually true. But He promised He'd be with us. If you can stop, for even a second in the swirling chaos and listen, you'll hear Him, you will know that He is ever present and faithful. He will deliver you, He will not leave you. He will be strong for you. He will comfort, protect and provide for you.

I stood in the middle of Arches National Park (a place you MUST go if you can!) with large rock formations surrounding me on every side. On my way to Colorado to visit friends, I made the ridiculously long drive by myself on purpose. I wanted time to hear Him, to pray and share my heart with the One who created it. I wanted space and quiet and beauty and didn't really want to share it with anyone but Jesus. And truth be told, I wanted to be able to pee whenever I wanted and sing along with N'Sync at the top of my lungs without bothering another human.

I was so overwhelmed by the beauty of the park, I almost forgot to stop and listen to the One who created it. I came down a steep rock pathway and looked up at the daunting structure in front of me and said, "God, what do you want to say to me?" And He spoke the words of Psalm 18 to my heart, "I will make your feet like the feet of a deer, and cause you to stand on heights. With Me, you can scale a wall. Who is God besides me and who is the Rock except our God? As for Me, My way is perfect, my word is flawless." And His words like fresh water in a dry and weary land refreshed and strengthened me and reminded me that He was, indeed, with me.

It took three days but I finally reached my destination, the home of dear friends who offered me a place of Refuge for the week, opening their hearts and their home to me. On my bed was a red envelope, actual mail! My sweet friend had sent me mail all the way in Colorado! She wrote beautiful words from her own heart, words of love and affirmation and on the backside wrote these verses;

  "As for God, his way is perfect: the Lord's word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in Him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he causes me to stand on heights." 2 Samuel 22:31-34

And more laughter and joy and awareness of His presence, His faithfulness and goodness towards me.  And though my flesh and my heart may fail as for my God, my Rock and my Refuge...His way is perfect.

Sometimes Goliath Kicks the S#*t out of David...

We love the stories of triumphant underdog, the overcomers, defeating giants, the unexpected victory. Those are the stories we tell, the ones we make into movies and books. To be honest, they're the ones I want to hear, read about or watch in a film. I want those stories because in real life, well, in real life, "sometimes Goliath kicks the shit out of David, it's just nobody ever bothers to tell that story". That's actually a line from one of my favorite, and very insightful ;) movies "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton" (you never know where you're going to find wisdom!) We know that in the fleeting vapor that is this life, good doesn't always triumph, the underdog often remains in their lowly position and some people never overcome.

There are other stories in the Bible, less popular for sure. Stories of extreme heartache and loss. Stories of God's faithful servants devastated and left to doubt all that they were sure of. What happens when God doesn't show up? When He doesn't rescue you or come through? Why aren't we telling those stories?

Is He still God? Still good? Still present? Sovereign? When He leads you into heartache, can you still trust Him? Can you be sure you heard Him in the first place or that He even speaks to you? There are hard questions that need to be asked. Questions that, if we're honest, might never be answered.

Sometimes the questions are all we have. Some we think we know the answers to and we wait in hope that our hearts will soon believe what our minds are convinced of. Some, I'm sure, we'll never find the answers to. Can we find encouragement and hope when there is no obvious victory? Can we trust a God we don't understand?

One of the things God commands repeatedly in His Word is "to remember". The reason I think He wants us to remember is that, if we do, carefully scan our memories, we will remember obvious times of victory, times where our prayers were answered exactly as we prayed them, sometimes miraculously. In remembering those times we might be able to muster up enough faith to make it through the times when God seems absent or cruel. Because if God is unchanging, then His faithfulness then is the same today, I just may not have the ability to perceive it. And when I doubt His goodness, I either have to doubt everything the Bible says or I have to put aside that doubt because if I question one area of biblical thought, I have to question them all. So if I believe that God is merciful and forgives my sins, I have to believe that He is good and acts out of love always, because that's what the Bible says. In remembering, I can move forward. Remembering God's past faithfulness helps me to believe in His present and future faithfulness, even if I can't discern it at the time.

Sometimes, Goliath wins. It's not the ending we want, and maybe it doesn't make any sense but it doesn't change who God is. We are faced with this truth, one that I am daily trying to grasp; Our hope is not in the ways of our God (which we may pretend to understand) but in God Himself. May we hope in our God in and through all things, who is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Oh, give thanks to the LORD!
Call upon His name;
Make known His deeds among the peoples!

Sing to Him, sing psalms to Him;
Talk of all His wonderous works!

Glory in His holy name;
Let the hearts of those rejoice who seek the LORD!

Seek the LORD and His strength;
Seek His face evermore!

Remember His marvelous works which He has done,
His wonders, and the judgments of His mouth,

O seed of Israel His servant,
You children of Jacob, His chosen ones!

He is the LORD our God;
His judgments are in all the earth.

Remember His covenant forever,
The word which He commanded, for a thousand generations...

1 Chronicles 16:8-15

Being Brave

I am not by nature a very brave person. I am what has been described of me as "polite". Meaning, I tend to be quiet in social settings, I won't interrupt or talk over someone, I don't usually offer opinions unless directly asked. I won't strike up a conversation with a stranger. I am often reserved in expressing my feelings for fear of all sorts of things; rejection, offending someone, not expressing myself clearly. But this year, actually just these last few months I have decided to be brave. I have friends who are really brave and while it might be awkward and uncomfortable for a moment, they often times get really incredible results from speaking up. Like tickets to a game they wanted to go to or a date with someone they thought was attractive or a promotion or a new friendship. There's a song that became very popular this year by Sara Barellis called "Brave" and the chorus says "say what you want to say and let the words fall out, honestly, I want to see you be brave". I have found myself singing that to myself every time I feel scared to say something. So I've been more brave this year and it has been awkward and scary and I don't always get the results I hope for but I also have less "what ifs?" to wrestle with and more confidence and I believe stronger relationships as my new found bravery breaks through the walls we've built up to protect ourselves and allows love to grow.

How can you be brave today? 

Is This Really The Goal?

Is this really the goal?

This blog post is a response to this article about modesty which was published in World Magazine. You should start by reading the article first, then my thoughts below. 

I have to believe that the heart of the woman writing this article is one of love but sadly I think she completely misses the point in addressing the issue of modesty.  In her final words of the article she admonishes Christian women to “modesty” and to teach the younger women to do likewise. Her goal: “to deter sin”. “So even though women and teenage girls can show little or no flesh and still be the object of lust, Christian women should do their part, even in this age of political correctness, to deter sin by dressing modestly and encouraging their younger sisters in Christ to do likewise.” 

The longer I walk with Jesus the more I realize that sin deterrence is a man-made goal that is accomplished most often in our own flesh. I’m also mindful of how sad and hopeless life would be if “sin deterrence” were the goal.

There are so many important aspects of this article that miss the mark or are simply ignored.

First, we cannot make modesty a women’s issue only…it’s NOT! Men need to be challenged in the same way unless all the women of the world would like to stand up right now and say they’ve never been attracted to a shirtless man…oh, no one wants to stand up? If we’re going to talk about modesty we have to address both genders.

Second, the author says this statement which I can hardly fathom she would believe if she actually knew any teenage girls, “While it’s true that teenage girls are well aware of their power of attractiveness…” Do you know what teenage girls are aware of? How inadequate they are and always will be. Trust me, even the most beautiful girls in the world are still thinking they are not enough. What if we spent our time teaching young women about their infinite value and worth and who they are in Christ rather than all the things they are not to do or be?

Third, how about we be excited that these young women (and I’m assuming men too) are out doing healthy activities with other kids who are trying to make good choices rather than critique their every move? One thing that’s sure to drive the youth out of our churches is coming to them with a heart of judgment. I’m assuming you didn’t come to Christ perfect because then what would be your need for him and if that’s true than you have issues too, they might just not be so obvious.

Lastly, let’s not let those these “short-shorted girls” may have “caused” to stumble off so easily. We all make our choices; we choose what we look at and how we look at people. I once asked a pastor that I work with and greatly respect about whether or not an image we were using for our ministry would cause men to stumble and he said, “Jen, men see what they want to see, they are responsible for what they look at and what they do with that image.” I am not trying to be insensitive here, I get that we need to help each other I do, but I think we need to deal with the heart issues rather than a list of rules that “deter sin”. God has called us to freedom and abundant life not to simply narrowly escape sin. For a great perspective from a man on this topic click here As this author states we hinder ourselves from arriving at real biblical solutions when we believe this notion, “  It is the notion that all men lust, hopelessly and helplessly.”

Where are our hearts at and what are we teaching our youth? Are we looking at them with love and compassion or with judgment and condemnation? Are we teaching them who they are in Christ and the infinite value they have that they might walk in confidence in Christ and also value others in the same way? It is true that Jesus said, “if you love me, you’ll obey my commandments.” Do you know what the first and most important commandment is according to Jesus? To love God.  It’s not a long list of rules that somehow make us more Christian than others if we can manage to follow them (which we can’t).  We love because God first loved us, it’s love not condemnation that births in us a desire to obey God. It’s kindness that leads us to repentance. Writing an article in a Christian magazine that makes judgment on a group of young Christian women and their families is not likely to lead to more obedience or repentance. Let’s look at it this way, this woman saw these girls and judged them based on what they were wearing, she “expected more of them”. Let’s turn that on ourselves for a minute and say I’m a Christian from the projects in the inner city and I just arrived at a church in the suburbs. In the parking lot I see BMWs, Mercedes, nice trucks, old vintage cars. My first thought is, “obviously these people don’t really want to honor God because if they did they would listen to all of His teaching about caring for the poor and giving up all that you have to follow Him. Clearly these believers are caught up in materialism and aren’t honoring God.” How are we feeling now? Defensive of ourselves and those we love?  Sure that if they only knew our hearts they would see how much we genuinely love God and others? My point is that whatever the issue is, I don’t believe God would use shame and condemnation to lead us to obedience, to lead us to His heart. Let’s also consider that while we may have “mastered modesty” we are seriously lacking in other areas because we are human. There has to be room for growth no matter how long we’ve walked with the Lord, who our parents are or what church we go to… no one has it altogether. What if we just rejoiced that teenagers were showing up for church at all, were wearing shirts that represented Jesus (do you know how many adults would NEVER wear a Jesus t-shirt for fear of persecution???). I’ve never seen a perfect person in a church, I’ve never seen a perfect person wearing a Christian shirt or a cross necklace and I’ve never thought they weren’t worthy of Christ because of their imperfection. It’s our imperfection that Christ came for, that He died for and conquered with the resurrection.

I wholeheartedly believe in teaching modesty but not from a place of fear or shame or legalism but one of love. We dress modestly because we are convinced of our intrinsic worth and are not seeking validation elsewhere, we dress modestly because we love others and would never want to be a stumbling block to a brother or sister. We, men and women, choose to honor ourselves, one another and the Lord with all that we are because we love Him and we recognize His deep, unfailing, unchanging love for us. 

The burden of hope

It wasn't so much the things she said as it was the look on her face. As I said the words her face crumpled and her eyes shown with desperation. I knew that face or at least I recognized the emotions behind it. I have felt them so many times myself. You know that moment when you almost have enough hope to believe that you are redeemable but the weight of your sin seems insurmountable? You feel unworthy of unmerited favor, you feel like it's probably available for others but not for you, it couldn't possibly be true for you. You're too far gone, your sin is somehow greater than everyone else's, if they only knew all that you had done they wouldn't be speaking such ill-fitted words of fantasy to you, words of...hope.

Why is hope so daunting? Perhaps it's easier to stay in our sin than to face the possibility that we'll fail again. Because if I receive grace and then slap it in the face I prove to be more unworthy than at the start and I cannot bear to feel more unworthy.

And can there really be a God so full of love that He can forgive me over and over again? That he can overlook my failings? Images of a bride dressed in white, clothed by her maker, in His righteousness, swirl in my head and I can't help but see the stains all over her and...what if others can see them too? What if they know how weak I am? What if they see my rebellious heart that has chosen the stains over the pure white gown time and time again? At the very least THEY will know that I am unworthy.

If I knew what the answer was to overcome this, to never have to make that face again or see it on another, I'd put it into practice today, this moment. But... I don't. What I do know is that every time I feel that way, God meets me there. He doesn't meet me with a shaking fist and a scowling face but He meets me with warmth, with open arms, with grace that covers me like a cloak. Grace that covers me. Covers my sin, covers my doubts, covers my fears, covers my shame. Again and again and again... He whispers words of promise over me, "those who know my name will put their trust in me, for I, the Lord, have not forsaken those who seek me" (psalm 9:10). He reminds of a beautiful truth penned by C.S. Lewis, "...the great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him."  He takes the burden and places it on Himself, wrapping me in a beautiful garment of His righteousness where grace and justice wildly intersect making the unclean clean and the desperate filled...with hope.

"I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul shall be joyful in my God: for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, he has covered me with the robe of righteousness..." Isaiah 61:10a

The Burden of Hope, Part 2

This woman's face was a reflection of my own. In her I saw that though I know Jesus I often times don't identify with Him. What He has made clear from His word is that I am his daughter, I am beloved, I am chosen. I am all of those things not because of what I've done but because of what Jesus has done for me. He loved me before the foundations of the world. He knew what my failings and shortcomings would be and chose then to love me and then to give his life for mine. I so often give in to the temptation of believing that my identity is based on what I do rather than on who God says I am. So then when I fail, I somehow feel less than, not quite as righteous or accepted. But Jesus' righteousness covers me and He is never "less righteous" or "less accepted". So I can move forward in joy and freedom, knowing that God is transforming me into His image but not so that He can somehow love me more. He made the greatest demonstration of love that can be made by giving up his life for mine.

I know all this seems simple and basic but it's a place where my heart struggles and needs constant reminders. I pray that as I gain my footing in these truths, others will see that they are true as well.

"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." John 15:13

A Story of Hope

December 13th, 2011

Graham crackers and frosting, it's one of my favorite snacks. I was happily partaking in this delicious treat on my lunch break when a call came in from an unknown number. Like most of you I'm always hesitant to answer unknown calls but considering our ministry, I always do.

God's timing is perfect. Any other time of day and I would have been busy engaging a classroom full of teens and preteens hoping to maintain sanity for just one more day. But it was lunchtime (did iI mention that? I really like food :) ) and I was ready as ever for what would come next.

The voice on the other end was unsure and quiet, "is this a helpline?" "Yes!" I replied as I quickly swallowed a mouth full of graham crackers. " I want out of this life and I heard you can help, I'm ready to go today."

And ready she was. M had packed a few belongings and snuck away while her pimp was out. As soon as she was safe she called me. I gave her a number to call for a safe house and called the woman who runs it to let her know she should expect a call. Within 2 hours she had been picked up and was being taken to safety.

As she waited we talked more and she told me pieces of her story. She has a daughter who just turned five and lives with her Grandmother. M told me of how she grieved missing yet another birthday, another Thanksgiving and that this would be the last.

She had been with her pimp for 3 years and had tried to leave before, running to a friend or a local motel, he always found her and with threats of violence or manipulation she returned with him. Not this time, this time she would go where he couldn't find her and where she could start fresh. This morning had been the last straw, after years of abuse physically and emotionally, he threatened her with a gun this morning. She could have continued hiding in terror but somehow found the strength to run, to run towards freedom and...hope.

Hope is hard to come by in the life. All you've even known is a life of worthlessness and abuse, you have little skills or education, those closest to you have betrayed you. Hope is the greatest need for with even a glimmer of hope comes the possibility of a greater life.

In the middle of our conversation she said, "I've talked to you before, my number was different then." I immediately knew who she was, a young woman we'd been praying for the last several months and had lost contact with. I couldn't believe it was really her, I had feared the worst when we lost contact, knowing how dangerous her pimp was and here she was, not just alive but taking a step toward true life, the life God had intended for her.

We stayed on the line until just before the rescue team got there. Later she called me from her new home, her voice still quiet but this time rather than fear, there was a sense of peace maybe even... a sense of hope. She left a message thanking me and assuring me I would hear from her in the coming days.

The coming days...they will be some of the most difficult for M. She will have to face all the pain and suffering of the last several years, unable to numb it with the false affections of others. Her greatest fears may be how she will survive outside of the life or how anyone will ever truly love or accept her.
She won't do it alone, not that she ever was. Jesus has pursued her thus far, He has made a way for her today and ultimately made a way for her by His death on the cross, that she might be eternally loved and accepted by her very Creator. She is His beloved, may that truth take deep root in her heart and be the driving force of her life.

Thank you for praying for M and the countless others who share her story.

The Girl in the Grey Pants

 "But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine." Isaiah 43:1

I never saw her...I only heard the description quickly pronounced by one of my teammates as we passed her by. Those words hung in the air...was that all she was?  A girl without a name described by a generic article of clothing.

I don't know her story but I could guess at some of the details. Fatherless, abandoned, abused, broken- hearted, numb from the years of pain, living life simply to survive one day to the next.

I don't know her name or even the image of her face but I know God's thoughts towards her. I know that He knows the exact number of hairs on her head, that he has kept every tear of hers in a bottle. I know that He knit her together in her mother's womb with good works planned for her even before the foundations of the earth. I know that He created her with a purpose, to give her a hope and a future.

I know to the very depths of who I am that these things are true but does she? Will she live her life merely to survive this earth never knowing her Creator?

Week after week I'm haunted by the reality of this girl, not just her but all those that she represents.
Yet at the same time I'm hopeful, hopeful because God has done for me what He longs to do for each of them...for all of us. He has given me value, He has given me hope, He has redeemed me and pulled me out of my sin and brokenness into abundant life with Him.

As we drove home last night one of my teammates and I discussed the night's events... we didn't remember a lot of details. Not many girls received us though most of them took a gift bag, between the two of us we didn't have any real conversations or pray with anyone (though others on the team did). But my teammate had her mind set on things above as she said to me, "I can't wait to get to heaven and see all that God has done. All the hearts that were changed because of a simple gift bag or the kindness of a stranger. All the seeds that God will harvest from these nights we have spent on the street."


Perhaps we'll meet the girl in the grey pants there...maybe the first time we learn her name it will be the new name God has given her in heaven.


"And let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9