Vulnerability

"Vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage" Brene Brown

God has called me into great vulnerabiltiy over the last couple of years, I have had this "vulnerability hangover" that author Brene Brown mentions, on more occasions than not. I have felt raw and exposed and anything but brave. One definition I found of brave was; Ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage. I have been given the opportunity (doesn't that word make it sound a lot more fun??) to face pain and even danger on multiple occasions in the last few years. One of the most incredible things about each of these situations was that in facing what I feared most and often finding that my fears were in fact founded, I also made it through. The things I feared the most didn't kill me or destroy me and in facing my fears, in sitting in that place of pain and doubt and looking for God's presence in the midst of it, I most often found healing.

 I think if we knew what we were asking for when we asked for healing, we might hesitate. We think healing will come as God floods our life with joy and answered prayers that will make up for all we have lost or feel we are lacking. And in a sense, it will, but most often the joy comes as we realize His presence in the midst of our suffering and questions, as the psalmist says, "in His presence is the fullness of joy", fewer things draw us into God's presence more than our desperate need for him in times of suffering. I absolutely believe God works through our vulnerability. As we open ourselves to God and others we are able to be changed, to grow, to heal, to ask hard questions, to dream, to hope, to live. We learn that we belong to one another, that we are seen and heard and loved in the truest version of ourselves.

One more thing I want to say is how grateful I am for those who have helped me live into this. Those who have listened as I've shared my thoughts in ways that are disjointed and often confusing. Who have sat with me as I've cried. Your presence in my life is invaluable and is what allows me to be courageous. With all my heart, thank you. May each of us be a safe place for others to show how courageous they are.

Invisible Losses and Grieving Together

Last week was National Infertility Week. It's so incredibly heartbreaking that this week exists. But what is perhaps more heartbreaking is that very few people know that it does. Infertility and childlessness are what I call invisible losses. They are losses like any other, like the death of a loved one, but they are catastrophically unseen. One of my best friends received a diagnosis of infertility this last year and it has been devastating. But what is perhaps more difficult is that her pain is often unseen and misunderstood.

My friend's loss has opened my eyes to the grief of others in new ways and it's also helped me enter into my own necessary grieving for the losses I have faced, losses which are also invisible. We try so hard to avoid grief that sometimes we aren't willing to admit our losses. For me, similar to my friend, but at the same time very different, I am grieving a loss felt by being well into my 30's, unmarried and childless. This loss too is largely unseen and misunderstood. And while it may or may not be temporary, at this time, it is a loss.

If I or my friend share our sense of loss with others we might hear well-meaning people say horrible things like "You can share my kids" or "at least you still have a great figure" or "I wish I had all the freedom that you have". I and many other grieving women would gladly bear stretch marks and give up our "freedoms" to have children. And while we who desire motherhood often love other people's children with our whole hearts (like my precious nieces and nephews) and we're so grateful to be a part of so many families, it is not the same as having our own and it doesn't take away the pain we feel.

People say horrible things, not because they are horrible or don't care (in fact, often they are the people who care for you most) but because they don't understand. It's ok not to understand, how could you unless you've been there? But we need you to care. We need you to acknowledge our losses. And we don't need you to say the right thing, there is no right thing to say. We just need you to hear us, to see us and to sit with us in the pain while we grieve.

We need you to understand that bridal showers, weddings, baby showers, mother's day and father's day... are all reminders to us of what we are lacking and they are difficult days for us to endure. It needs to be ok if we don't show up for your shower. That may sound selfish, but for a season and maybe for a few seasons, we need time to grieve and we may not be emotionally capable of publicly celebrating others in that capacity. It doesn't mean we don't want to celebrate you or we aren't rejoicing with you, it might just be healthier for us to find another, less public way to do that.

We need you to grieve with us. I cannot tell you how hard it is to grieve alone, but I know many of you will understand. Even if your loss is visible, as a culture we do not grieve well. If your loss is visible, at best, we will grieve with you for a short period of time immediately following your loss but then we will move on, while for months and years you carry your grief on your own, feeling as though if you were to share it you would somehow be a burden. We are taught to be independent and strong and we often mask our pain, "keep our chins up" with a "stiff upper lip" and grieve alone or not at all.

But losses grieved well, losses grieved corporately, can bring a healing and wholeness that could not be brought any other way. If we want to achieve this we must first be willing to grieve and invite others into that space with us, it's vulnerable and scary but it's worth it. Second we must show up, not just on day one or week one but on month two and month six and year five. Grief changes and ebs and flows but it follows no pattern or system and when we feel most alone we need others to show up for us. And I know you feel like you showed up when you liked their facebook status or sent them a text and I don't doubt they felt supported but sometimes, as often as you can, you need to actually show up in the flesh; even a phone call or a handwritten note can ease the ache of grief and remind us that we are not alone or forgotten in our pain.

I pray that we'll have eyes to see the hurts of others and that we'll overcome our fears and we'll show up. I pray that we'll make ourselves vulnerable and invite others into our pain so that they can grieve with us, so that we can grow in love for one another, so that we can see the faithfulness of God together as He carries us through.


Note: Please know that I know the potential for me to have a family is still there, I haven't given up and there is plenty of time! I know that God is ultimately in control and capable of wonderful things, but that doesn't change the pain and ache as I wait with no assurance that I will have those things...also, it's not really the point of this blog post. I'm not writing this because I'm bitter or angry or have given up hope, if anything I'm more hopeful than I've been in a long time. I'm writing this because I've been made aware of losses in the lives of others that are often unseen and ignored, of grief that has been buried, of the terrible loneliness that can come from such heartaches and I so desperately want to care for others in those spaces. I so desperately want others to care for me too and I'm inviting you in.

Tear Ducts

I cry a lot. It's kind of annoying, even for me, ok, especially for me. I wish I had better control of my tear ducts but that seems to be one thing I really can't conquer. They are just independent and stubborn and relentless.

I don't necessarily cry without reason. Life is painful. And I believe some of us feel it a little more acutely than others. We feel it with others and for others and of course, for ourselves. And never mind the reckless hormones and sleeves with hearts on them.

This year I've been to four funerals. Spent more than a dozen days in three different hospitals with three different people. Had my heart broken in more ways than one. Life can be really painful.

But I've also seen loved ones healed, welcomed new babies into the world, had my heart healed in ways I never thought possible.

All of the above invoke tears. I sometimes wonder if my tear ducts are broken or loose or something? I cry when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I just feel anything at all. And maybe it's awkward sometimes and makes people feel uncomfortable but I'm grateful. I'm grateful for the ability to feel. Along with the intense pain that life often brings, I feel a deep joy that I might not know otherwise.

It can be exhausting and overwhelming, feeling so much. Very few things are meaningless or easy to let go of. It can work in the negative. I can become hardened when I'm hurt. And even though I know I can easily fall into the despair of overwhelming emotions, I also know God can pull me through, can soften my heart and renew my strength.

One of the most treasured attributes of Jesus was compassion. Compassion means "to suffer with". I'd like to think that I have compassionate tear ducts, suffering with others, feeling with them both the joys and the sorrows.

And maybe it's annoying or makes people uncomfortable but I have to believe that some people are grateful because it gives them the freedom to feel as well. To cry for "no reason" or when their hearts are broken or when they've received the best news ever.  It's been said that vulnerability isn't the absence of strength, but a necessary part of it. Loose tear ducts might not be such a bad thing after all...

What We Aren't Posting

What We Aren't Posting
I'm not the first to address this issue but it's been a pressing one for me these last few weeks so I'm going to put my two cents in on it as well. We all know that we put our best selves forward on social media. That we give just enough information to make it look like we're being vulnerable without actually being vulnerable. Or we're the opposite and we rant and rave and drive everyone crazy because we are giving way too much information. The problem is, it isn't real life. What's real is that I slept 4 hours last night because I was in incredible amounts of pain, that I got pulled over for speeding (but let off with a warning...whew!), that I'm not feeling great about myself because I put on a few vacation pounds (and I'd do it again! Countless helpings of the worlds best fudge were totally worth a few days of feeling kind of frumpy.) and was rejected by two different guys in the last month. Yea...you didn't see me instagramming any of that stuff. A nice muffin top picture would be fun though wouldn't it? ;)

So you saw all my beautiful sunset pictures and my adorable nephew and shots of me at Disneyland and ball games and you thought "she is living the life! I wish I had it that good!" And you're right, my life is really, really good but it's not perfect and there is a lot of heartache and frustration that I just didn't feel like any Instagram filter could fix.

In addition to the lack of contentment social media can bring as we compare our severely average lives to the apparently perfect lives of all our "friends" it can also bring a fair amount of social anxiety...at least for me.
With every word or photo I worry...who will see it? What will they think? Should I have said it a different way? Not at all? On and on and on. I lose genuine connection with my friends in exchange for a virtual, borderline imaginary, social connection. I say imaginary because much of what is happening is all in my mind based on my own fears and insecurities and not based on actual fact. So instead of spending time reading actual books, having conversations with those who actually love me or praying and growing spiritually, I am consumed with anxiety and constantly looking for someone to alleviate it as if just one more like of my extremely witty status will validate my worth as a human. But it won't. There's a lot to think about here; one issue is how social media is impacting our relationships (and let's face it our mental stability) and the other is where our worth and value actually comes from.

Our Relationships

I think social media can be really great. I have friends all over the world and I love that I can connect with them, hear details of their everyday life and see photos almost in real time through social media. I also love how social media has connected me to friends from the past who I might never have heard from again. But I think there are some major pitfalls in that social media creates an illusion of connectedness. We may have a 1,000 "friends" but still wind up sitting home alone most nights. We may have dozens of social interactions in a day and yet we've had no genuine heart connection with anyone. We are still doing life alone, we are crying in the bathroom alone, we are rejoicing in our office alone and no amount of likes on our status or followers or our blog will ever make up for the actual presence of a friend.

And let's talk about when we are with our friends or family but still find it necessary to check the status updates of our other friends and miss a valuable connection with the person sitting right in front of us. We have almost lost the ability to sit with one another, look each other in the eye and just be with one another. I'm as guilty of this as the next person but I'm trying really hard to learn to be present in the moment and to give my loved ones the attention they deserve.

Our Worth
There is only one person who defines your worth, it's the one who created you. God alone gives you worth and your value is infinite because of Him. It's not based on you saying the right thing or always looking your best, it's based on who He is. Your value is intrinsic and does not change with a new day, new blog post or photo. You can rest in that fact and stop striving, stop worrying and maybe just maybe put your phone down for a few minutes and thank God for loving you lavishly and being more than enough. Not only is He enough for you, but you... are enough.

What Now?
As I mentioned, I think there are some great reasons to use social media and it's almost impossible not to in some form because that is the way the world operates today. But we can change our habits and our ways of thinking. I have a very all or nothing personality. It is really hard for me to do things in moderation so if it is harmful in someway I usually have to opt not to do it all. As I have noticed a fair amount of social anxiety and a severe amount of distraction from using facebook I have chosen to leave that form of social media indefinitely. In the last month and a half of being away, I have had richer times with those I love, more focused times of prayer and study, I've read actual books and I have been more at peace than I have in a long time. I still put up photos on Instagram but I'm seriously considering a "real life" series because I've managed to dupe everyone into believing that I live in some tropical paradise instead of a dirty, crime filled city (even though I really do think the city is beautiful) and I think a little realism might make us all feel a little better.

I don't know what, if any, changes you need to make. But it's worth taking a look at your social media habits, your motives behind using social media and how it's impacting your relationships and your own sanity. Ask yourself and then make the changes you need to make so that you can be fully present when your child says their first word or when your friend loses a child or even for the everyday joys of life like the first snowfall, a beautiful sunset or snuggling your kids.

Today, take a step towards genuine connection... call a friend or write a letter or pop over to see a loved one and make that connection with those that mean the most to you.

When life hands you lemons, get out the sweet tea!

I just got back from a two week vacation in the South and saw a sign that said, "When life gives you lemons, get out the sweet tea!" I love that sign and all that implies. Life is going to give you lemons. There will be incredibly sour moments that make you cringe and sometimes cry. But there is always sweet tea. At least in the South anyways! It's true though, my most painful moments are often met by some of the sweetest. Whether through the comfort of a friend, the embrace of a child, the faithful words of Scripture there is an underlying sweetness that if we can just see past the pain we'll find.

But it's not just the consistent gifts in our life that make lemons and sweet tea such a good combination. It's the fact that often through our darkest times we emerge more beautiful having been stripped of the dross that was holding us back and with a greater ability to see the beauty that was already surrounding us everyday. Somehow spending time in a dark place makes things in the light all the more bright, so that even the perfect colors the smog creates at sunset or sun shining through the lone tree in the city park become the most beautiful sights.

We often fight against pain, we resist vulnerability fearing that we'll be so weighed down we'll never emerge. But the truth is we will, the fog will lift and we'll see clearly again, the pain will ease and joy will flood in anew. So don't be afraid to open your heart, to take a risk, to walk away from someone or perhaps towards someone. You will get hurt and will even be the cause of hurt to others but there is beauty in the transforming work of God in our lives as we make ourselves vulnerable to Him and to one another. Open your heart and hands wide and allow the sweet and the sour to mix and make what only the two together can accomplish... the best darn glass of tea you ever had!

The burden of hope

It wasn't so much the things she said as it was the look on her face. As I said the words her face crumpled and her eyes shown with desperation. I knew that face or at least I recognized the emotions behind it. I have felt them so many times myself. You know that moment when you almost have enough hope to believe that you are redeemable but the weight of your sin seems insurmountable? You feel unworthy of unmerited favor, you feel like it's probably available for others but not for you, it couldn't possibly be true for you. You're too far gone, your sin is somehow greater than everyone else's, if they only knew all that you had done they wouldn't be speaking such ill-fitted words of fantasy to you, words of...hope.

Why is hope so daunting? Perhaps it's easier to stay in our sin than to face the possibility that we'll fail again. Because if I receive grace and then slap it in the face I prove to be more unworthy than at the start and I cannot bear to feel more unworthy.

And can there really be a God so full of love that He can forgive me over and over again? That he can overlook my failings? Images of a bride dressed in white, clothed by her maker, in His righteousness, swirl in my head and I can't help but see the stains all over her and...what if others can see them too? What if they know how weak I am? What if they see my rebellious heart that has chosen the stains over the pure white gown time and time again? At the very least THEY will know that I am unworthy.

If I knew what the answer was to overcome this, to never have to make that face again or see it on another, I'd put it into practice today, this moment. But... I don't. What I do know is that every time I feel that way, God meets me there. He doesn't meet me with a shaking fist and a scowling face but He meets me with warmth, with open arms, with grace that covers me like a cloak. Grace that covers me. Covers my sin, covers my doubts, covers my fears, covers my shame. Again and again and again... He whispers words of promise over me, "those who know my name will put their trust in me, for I, the Lord, have not forsaken those who seek me" (psalm 9:10). He reminds of a beautiful truth penned by C.S. Lewis, "...the great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him."  He takes the burden and places it on Himself, wrapping me in a beautiful garment of His righteousness where grace and justice wildly intersect making the unclean clean and the desperate filled...with hope.

"I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul shall be joyful in my God: for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, he has covered me with the robe of righteousness..." Isaiah 61:10a

The Burden of Hope, Part 2

This woman's face was a reflection of my own. In her I saw that though I know Jesus I often times don't identify with Him. What He has made clear from His word is that I am his daughter, I am beloved, I am chosen. I am all of those things not because of what I've done but because of what Jesus has done for me. He loved me before the foundations of the world. He knew what my failings and shortcomings would be and chose then to love me and then to give his life for mine. I so often give in to the temptation of believing that my identity is based on what I do rather than on who God says I am. So then when I fail, I somehow feel less than, not quite as righteous or accepted. But Jesus' righteousness covers me and He is never "less righteous" or "less accepted". So I can move forward in joy and freedom, knowing that God is transforming me into His image but not so that He can somehow love me more. He made the greatest demonstration of love that can be made by giving up his life for mine.

I know all this seems simple and basic but it's a place where my heart struggles and needs constant reminders. I pray that as I gain my footing in these truths, others will see that they are true as well.

"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." John 15:13