How Making a Bad Decision Helped Me See God's Grace

The last couple of years have been hard. Most of the time I have felt like a lot of the hard things were happening TO me and out of my control. Now I know that's usually not entirely true but it was often how I felt.

This last week, I made a bad decision. In a split second of time, I made the wrong decision. It was stupid. It had consequences. It was scary and painful and it's effects will weigh out into the future.

Two things happened in that moment. One, I knew I made the wrong decision. It was stupid and foolish. But even though I knew all those things to be true, I also knew I wasn't stupid or bad or foolish. I wasn't going to be defined by that one decision. I am so grateful for this truth and grateful that I actually believe it. This, is grace. 

The second, was that the consequences of my decision were far less than they could have been. It could have been so so so much worse. Did God prevent consequences entirely? No. Could He have? Sure. But I saw God's protection and grace in that moment more than I have in a long time. Protection and grace that have always been there, in every circumstance, but that I wasn't always able to see.  It caused me to think about all the other hard things I'd experienced recently; about how there are so many things I don't see and understand, about how others need grace as much as I do, about how so many things are working together mysteriously for good even when the ending isn't what we'd hoped for. This, is grace. 

Now all of this is still a mystery to me and I won't pretend it doesn't still hurt but there's comfort in the grace of God, there's comfort in the presence of God and a God who is faithful even when we are faithless.

I hope that when you look at your life, when you look in the mirror, you don't see one or even many bad choices you might have made but you see the grace and beauty of God, in whose image you are made. I hope you see that grace overcomes, grace overwhelms, grace heals and gives new life even among the ruins.

Love you friends,
Jen

They shall build up the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations. Isaiah 61:4

Vocabulary Matters

There is a way of thinking which sometimes comes down to a simple word choice, that is widespread in the church that grieves me. It's subtle and sounds so close to the truth it's easy to buy into it. But once you do, it will change everything. What seems like a harmless, at worst, half truth can change how we relate to God and others completely.

Ready for it? Here it is.

You, are not worthy.

Because grace is free and we are sinners saved by grace through faith...how can we possibly be worthy?

We are well-meaning. We say "I am unworthy of God's love, of his grace, of forgiveness."
But there is a problem with our vocabulary and it matters.

We are worthy and the price paid for us by our Savior screams that at us. Are we deserving? No. But worthy? Your worth could not be placed at a higher value.

How do we know what something is worth? One of the best ways I've understood this idea is this; the computer you're reading this on probably cost you around $1,000 because it was worth it to you to pay that much. What we are willing to pay for something defines it's worth.

So, how worthy are you? God, who created the heavens and the earth, who is all powerful, all knowing, who is love, who is just and holy... gave his only Son for you. Your worth is of infinite value,  and of the greatest cost.

What I deserve and what I am worth are two different conversations with the same happy ending, because of Jesus.

As someone who has personally struggled with knowing my worth and value I'm hopeful that we'll  change our vocabulary. That one word, misused, can send a message that is crippling in our relationship to God and others. We must know that we are worthy because God has made us so. Only then can we be free to respond to the love and forgiveness offered to us from God himself and from others.

If you want to say you are undeserving of God's love and forgiveness because you can't somehow do something to deserve it, by all means. But NEVER, have you been, unworthy. The God who loves you and created you has ascribed the highest worth to you by laying down his life for yours.


"Since you were precious in My sight; you have been honored and I have loved you, therefore I will give men for you and people for your life." Isaiah 43:4

Sometimes Goliath Kicks the S#*t out of David...

We love the stories of triumphant underdog, the overcomers, defeating giants, the unexpected victory. Those are the stories we tell, the ones we make into movies and books. To be honest, they're the ones I want to hear, read about or watch in a film. I want those stories because in real life, well, in real life, "sometimes Goliath kicks the shit out of David, it's just nobody ever bothers to tell that story". That's actually a line from one of my favorite, and very insightful ;) movies "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton" (you never know where you're going to find wisdom!) We know that in the fleeting vapor that is this life, good doesn't always triumph, the underdog often remains in their lowly position and some people never overcome.

There are other stories in the Bible, less popular for sure. Stories of extreme heartache and loss. Stories of God's faithful servants devastated and left to doubt all that they were sure of. What happens when God doesn't show up? When He doesn't rescue you or come through? Why aren't we telling those stories?

Is He still God? Still good? Still present? Sovereign? When He leads you into heartache, can you still trust Him? Can you be sure you heard Him in the first place or that He even speaks to you? There are hard questions that need to be asked. Questions that, if we're honest, might never be answered.

Sometimes the questions are all we have. Some we think we know the answers to and we wait in hope that our hearts will soon believe what our minds are convinced of. Some, I'm sure, we'll never find the answers to. Can we find encouragement and hope when there is no obvious victory? Can we trust a God we don't understand?

One of the things God commands repeatedly in His Word is "to remember". The reason I think He wants us to remember is that, if we do, carefully scan our memories, we will remember obvious times of victory, times where our prayers were answered exactly as we prayed them, sometimes miraculously. In remembering those times we might be able to muster up enough faith to make it through the times when God seems absent or cruel. Because if God is unchanging, then His faithfulness then is the same today, I just may not have the ability to perceive it. And when I doubt His goodness, I either have to doubt everything the Bible says or I have to put aside that doubt because if I question one area of biblical thought, I have to question them all. So if I believe that God is merciful and forgives my sins, I have to believe that He is good and acts out of love always, because that's what the Bible says. In remembering, I can move forward. Remembering God's past faithfulness helps me to believe in His present and future faithfulness, even if I can't discern it at the time.

Sometimes, Goliath wins. It's not the ending we want, and maybe it doesn't make any sense but it doesn't change who God is. We are faced with this truth, one that I am daily trying to grasp; Our hope is not in the ways of our God (which we may pretend to understand) but in God Himself. May we hope in our God in and through all things, who is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Oh, give thanks to the LORD!
Call upon His name;
Make known His deeds among the peoples!

Sing to Him, sing psalms to Him;
Talk of all His wonderous works!

Glory in His holy name;
Let the hearts of those rejoice who seek the LORD!

Seek the LORD and His strength;
Seek His face evermore!

Remember His marvelous works which He has done,
His wonders, and the judgments of His mouth,

O seed of Israel His servant,
You children of Jacob, His chosen ones!

He is the LORD our God;
His judgments are in all the earth.

Remember His covenant forever,
The word which He commanded, for a thousand generations...

1 Chronicles 16:8-15

Even though you might not see it...

"Even though you might not see my life changing what you are doing is changing me. Just to know that someone cares enough to come out here for us, nobody does that, not even our own families."

It's not a word for word quote but it's as close as I can remember. I've met N several times before and we always have a good connection with her. She told us last night that she'd been out there three years and that we had been with her all those years. She was grateful.

N is addicted to drugs and alcohol. She has given up everything to feed her addiction. She feeds her addiction so she can stay in the game. She is scared, desperate and heart broken. She knows the Lord and cries out to Him. She was in tears almost immediately and asked us to pray for her. She knew facing the truth was hard and our presence was causing her to do that but she wasn't afraid, she was comforted, because God called her worthy, beloved and was relentlessly pursuing her. And in that moment I'm reminded of the same truth, and comforted with her.

I don't know if N will ever be completely free this side of heaven. I pray that she will and won't give up hope but honestly, I don't know. But I do believe she'll be in heaven with me. If anyone grasps the gospel, it's N. She knows that she is undeserving and ensnared by sin. She knows that the only way she can stand in the presence of God is through Jesus, that she herself has nothing to offer. This, is the message of the gospel. And it's slow and sometimes unseen but the Lord is working, drawing her in and changing her heart.

It's easy to grow tired and weary, to focus on our own circumstances and want to give up and then we run into N and others like her and I'm reminded how incredibly privileged we are to do what we do. To walk the same streets week after week, to be the one to celebrate with God's beloved, to mourn with God's beloved. God intertwines each of our lives with many others and every relationship is an incredible gift. Some take longer than others to form and require more effort but all of them are a gift.

As you go through your days, look for God in the midst of your interactions with others. He is there, longing to reveal Himself to you. He's there in the extraordinary and the ordinary. He's there in the darkness and the light. He's there in times of faith and times of doubt. Everything around you will change, but God's love and pursuit of you will always remain. Even though you might not see it, He is there.

Becoming New

 "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; all things have become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17

We often think of our testimony as everything leading up to the day we gave our lives to Christ but I believe that moment is just the beginning. My story is important before Christ but my time walking with Him is where His power is demonstrated. I don't believe that conversion is a one time experience. I'm not talking about salvation but conversion. Being made into the likeness of Christ is a lifelong process in which the Spirit of God is making us new each day. I'm not who I was before I met Christ but I'm not who I was yesterday either. What a sweet and encouraging truth, let's praise God for the ways He is "making us new" today and that He'll continue bringing new life all of our days as we yield to Him.

The burden of hope

It wasn't so much the things she said as it was the look on her face. As I said the words her face crumpled and her eyes shown with desperation. I knew that face or at least I recognized the emotions behind it. I have felt them so many times myself. You know that moment when you almost have enough hope to believe that you are redeemable but the weight of your sin seems insurmountable? You feel unworthy of unmerited favor, you feel like it's probably available for others but not for you, it couldn't possibly be true for you. You're too far gone, your sin is somehow greater than everyone else's, if they only knew all that you had done they wouldn't be speaking such ill-fitted words of fantasy to you, words of...hope.

Why is hope so daunting? Perhaps it's easier to stay in our sin than to face the possibility that we'll fail again. Because if I receive grace and then slap it in the face I prove to be more unworthy than at the start and I cannot bear to feel more unworthy.

And can there really be a God so full of love that He can forgive me over and over again? That he can overlook my failings? Images of a bride dressed in white, clothed by her maker, in His righteousness, swirl in my head and I can't help but see the stains all over her and...what if others can see them too? What if they know how weak I am? What if they see my rebellious heart that has chosen the stains over the pure white gown time and time again? At the very least THEY will know that I am unworthy.

If I knew what the answer was to overcome this, to never have to make that face again or see it on another, I'd put it into practice today, this moment. But... I don't. What I do know is that every time I feel that way, God meets me there. He doesn't meet me with a shaking fist and a scowling face but He meets me with warmth, with open arms, with grace that covers me like a cloak. Grace that covers me. Covers my sin, covers my doubts, covers my fears, covers my shame. Again and again and again... He whispers words of promise over me, "those who know my name will put their trust in me, for I, the Lord, have not forsaken those who seek me" (psalm 9:10). He reminds of a beautiful truth penned by C.S. Lewis, "...the great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him."  He takes the burden and places it on Himself, wrapping me in a beautiful garment of His righteousness where grace and justice wildly intersect making the unclean clean and the desperate filled...with hope.

"I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul shall be joyful in my God: for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, he has covered me with the robe of righteousness..." Isaiah 61:10a

The Burden of Hope, Part 2

This woman's face was a reflection of my own. In her I saw that though I know Jesus I often times don't identify with Him. What He has made clear from His word is that I am his daughter, I am beloved, I am chosen. I am all of those things not because of what I've done but because of what Jesus has done for me. He loved me before the foundations of the world. He knew what my failings and shortcomings would be and chose then to love me and then to give his life for mine. I so often give in to the temptation of believing that my identity is based on what I do rather than on who God says I am. So then when I fail, I somehow feel less than, not quite as righteous or accepted. But Jesus' righteousness covers me and He is never "less righteous" or "less accepted". So I can move forward in joy and freedom, knowing that God is transforming me into His image but not so that He can somehow love me more. He made the greatest demonstration of love that can be made by giving up his life for mine.

I know all this seems simple and basic but it's a place where my heart struggles and needs constant reminders. I pray that as I gain my footing in these truths, others will see that they are true as well.

"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." John 15:13