Letting Go of the Timeline

I remember thinking 25 was old. By 25 my life would be settled and all of my plans would have taken shape or at least be in process. Then I turned 25. I felt like I might as well have been 15, I felt like I was only just beginning to discover who I was and none of the things I had planned for 25 had actually happened. Then 30 came and I was in almost the same situation. By this time I knew more of who I was and what I wanted but still felt really far off from the timeline.

Let me give you a glimpse of this proposed timeline that I came up with somewhere in my youth and childhood (where like Julie Andrews, I'm sure I did something good). I was going to go to a four year college and major in the sciences in preparation for medical school. After graduation I would head straight to med school and finish my residency by 29. I would marry at 30 and have my first child at 31. Guys, it was a pretty good plan if you ask me. But NONE of that happened.

My plan didn't come to pass not because I'm not smart enough for med school or desirable enough for marriage. I'm not even completely sure of the "whys" but what I've learned is that when I base my life on timelines I find myself swept up in anxiety, regret, and hopelessness. I find that I am always waiting for the next thing instead of finding joy in the moment. And so many of these unplanned and unforeseen moments have brought with them incredible joy and life and hope.

My desires haven't changed much; I still hope for marriage and family and think I'd be an amazing wife and mom (guys, I'm so much fun and love people something fierce), I'm currently preparing for nursing school because I am still fascinated by medicine and love caring for others. Those core desires  really haven't changed much but their expression has followed a very different path than I'd imagined and all my timelines have been left in the dust.

Following Jesus has been a greater adventure than I ever could have dreamed. We can make our plans but ultimately we are seeking his plans and many times they differ from ours. I have had experiences I never could have dreamed for myself. I have been a part of people's lives in ways I couldn't have imagined. I have experienced heartbreaks and disappointments that I would not have put in the plan. Through all the twists and turns one thing I am more certain of is that God has been with me. I am more sure of a loving Creator, Father and Friend than ever and as I continue to let go of the "shoulds" and "what ifs" and cling to Jesus I find more joy and hope than I could have imagined.

My story is incredible and beautiful, messy and painful, purposeful and far different than I had planned. So I keep looking to the one who shaped my heart to shape my future and let go of expectations and timelines. I find myself purposing to take joy in what is instead of what isn't (I admit I suck at this, but some things you just have to keep choosing over and over) and I find rest knowing that God is with me, that his plans are good and that he loves me.
What have you been holding onto? Are there things that you are waiting for that are keeping you from enjoying and flourishing in what already is?

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven...He has made everything beautiful in its time" Ecclesiastes 3:1,11

Unpredictable Grief

"But He knows the way that I take..." Job 23:10

"Not that I'm over it but little by little its getting easier to pretend it's easier which means easier must be around the corner...". so often that's our temptation, if we can't make ourselves better maybe we can at least pretend that we are better? Of course that won't actually make us feel better but it will take off some of the pressure we feel from those around us that we feel we've exhausted with our seemingly endless grief. We might resort to small talk or maybe just isolation so we don't have to face the impending waves of grief, sure to topple us over if we face them.
We want to control it, to confine it to terms and stages, we don't want to believe that we're at its mercy. As I've observed grief in the last year, in my own life and those I love, I have learned that it is anything but predictable. We may determine to pick ourselves up and be well but the wave of grief is often stronger than our determination. We may shove our grief into categories but we'll find ourselves disappointed when we go "backwards" and wind up at the beginning. But the reality is, grief is unpredictable, it follows no pattern and no set of philosophies can pull us out of it.
I have longed to learn how to grieve well, in a way that brings hope and healing and hopefully a growth of character. The temptation is to cover it, hide from it and do anything but feel it and let it bring us to our knees.
There is no magic formula, no five or twelve step process, no words or phrases that if repeated enough times will pull you out. Even saying that grief is a "process" is in some ways our attempt to exercise some control. If it's a process, it must have a determined end. If I take all the steps in the process I'll get there. But the truth is, grief is messy and inconvenient and certainly untimely. 

We're afraid that we'll never come up again. Afraid that we can't pull ourselves out. And the truth is, we can't. We would give anything to let go of the doubts, fears, anxieties, what if's, the crushing sadness...to find peace, to trust and hope in the unknown. And there are moments where we have all that, but then, without warning, the wave of grief can topple us over and we find ourselves on our knees again. 

And we feel guilty that we're still sitting in it. Like we should have done something to pull ourselves out and it's our own fault that we're still here. And maybe in some cases there is some truth to that, we can certainly make things harder on ourselves and slow our process but often times it's just the unpredictability of grief. It's three steps forward and two back, it's a lack of control and a realization that we are not all powerful and life doesn't follow a set of rules and despite what our culture tells us we can't have everything instantly.

Grief is hard and unkind and very very unpredictable. We respond with our fight or flight reflexes because anything is better than admitting that we are at our end, that we don't understand, that the pain is unbearable and we have folded under the weight of it. We want to be strong, to move on like everyone expects us to, to feel joy more than pain. And we will. We will feel joy, and freedom and a lightness that is currently foreign but there's no telling when or how we'll get there. And there's no proof that getting there faster will actually be good for us. Sometimes we need to sit in it. We need to stop masking it, replacing it, denying it and we need to sit and let the waves wash over us, until gradually, without us even realizing it, they begin to recede and we find ourselves able to breathe, able to see, able to stand with sure feet on solid ground.

In the meantime, though it may not feel like it, we can be sure that God has us. That while our grip is loose, His is strong. That while our vision is clouded, His is clear and He sees us. That while there are no easy answers, no formulas to heal our hearts and take away the pain there are answers. God is with you. God is working. As much as you'll be unpredictably taken out by grief, you will eventually find a surprising relief. It will come. He is faithful to deliver you, whether through or out of your trials, He will deliver you. In some ways I think we'll always grieve our losses but hope will find a way through the grief, over and over again, hope will find a way. 

It's ok that you can't hear him, that you can't see him. He's still there. It's ok that you don't know how to pull yourself out of the fog, you don't have to. Sometimes our most powerful prayer is simply, "God, help!" We need His help and we need to be willing to wait so that He can work out His purposes, he will not be late and He will come. Grief is unpredictable but our God is trustworthy, unchangeable and as much as we can count on the surprising blows of grief we can count on our God to meet us in our weakest moment and to bring us through. 

"But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold...he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does. For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind." Job 23:10-14
"But the Lord was my support. He brought me into a broad place; He delivered me because He delighted in me." Psalm 18:18,19

Where I've Been Hiding

If you know me, you probably didn't know I was hiding. You could reach me by cell, email or just pop over, you knew where to find me. But I've been hiding. I've been hiding behind work and busyness. It's amazing what you can avoid by being busy.

I have deep insecurities. Most people don't see it, they see a confident, brave woman. And in some senses they're right. I believe we are all in some ways walking contradictions. I often overcome my fears but they are fears all the same. Sometimes the anxiety is so intense it's paralyzing. So I learned to cope, I coped by staying busy. If I'm busy I can avoid my feelings, I can avoid forming relationships that could lead to rejection, I can avoid taking risks because I simply don't have the time.

A month ago I took on a fourth job. This job was an answer to prayer as I had wanted to leave my restaurant job but needed another source of income if that was to be the case. But I didn't quit the restaurant job. I decided to keep all four jobs because in some sense I find my identity in what I do and because the busier I am the less I have to deal with my glaring insecurity.

I knew God had given me this new job, I knew I wasn't trusting him by hanging onto my restaurant job but I was scared. Scared of letting go, scared of how my finances would be impacted, scared of having time to face all the things I've been avoiding. Scared to come out of hiding.

But this week the Lord made two things clear to me; there are relationships I need to be open to and some I need to be healed in and there are dreams I need to dare to pursue, even if I fail. I am not the sum of what I do or even the sum of who loves me or doesn't. My worth is found in Christ alone but I am in fact worthy.

So today, I put on my girl pants, asked the Lord for strength and quit my job. I quit my job to open myself up to possibilities. The possibility of more joy and inevitably more pain but in the end, the possibility of more.

What We Aren't Posting

What We Aren't Posting
I'm not the first to address this issue but it's been a pressing one for me these last few weeks so I'm going to put my two cents in on it as well. We all know that we put our best selves forward on social media. That we give just enough information to make it look like we're being vulnerable without actually being vulnerable. Or we're the opposite and we rant and rave and drive everyone crazy because we are giving way too much information. The problem is, it isn't real life. What's real is that I slept 4 hours last night because I was in incredible amounts of pain, that I got pulled over for speeding (but let off with a warning...whew!), that I'm not feeling great about myself because I put on a few vacation pounds (and I'd do it again! Countless helpings of the worlds best fudge were totally worth a few days of feeling kind of frumpy.) and was rejected by two different guys in the last month. Yea...you didn't see me instagramming any of that stuff. A nice muffin top picture would be fun though wouldn't it? ;)

So you saw all my beautiful sunset pictures and my adorable nephew and shots of me at Disneyland and ball games and you thought "she is living the life! I wish I had it that good!" And you're right, my life is really, really good but it's not perfect and there is a lot of heartache and frustration that I just didn't feel like any Instagram filter could fix.

In addition to the lack of contentment social media can bring as we compare our severely average lives to the apparently perfect lives of all our "friends" it can also bring a fair amount of social anxiety...at least for me.
With every word or photo I worry...who will see it? What will they think? Should I have said it a different way? Not at all? On and on and on. I lose genuine connection with my friends in exchange for a virtual, borderline imaginary, social connection. I say imaginary because much of what is happening is all in my mind based on my own fears and insecurities and not based on actual fact. So instead of spending time reading actual books, having conversations with those who actually love me or praying and growing spiritually, I am consumed with anxiety and constantly looking for someone to alleviate it as if just one more like of my extremely witty status will validate my worth as a human. But it won't. There's a lot to think about here; one issue is how social media is impacting our relationships (and let's face it our mental stability) and the other is where our worth and value actually comes from.

Our Relationships

I think social media can be really great. I have friends all over the world and I love that I can connect with them, hear details of their everyday life and see photos almost in real time through social media. I also love how social media has connected me to friends from the past who I might never have heard from again. But I think there are some major pitfalls in that social media creates an illusion of connectedness. We may have a 1,000 "friends" but still wind up sitting home alone most nights. We may have dozens of social interactions in a day and yet we've had no genuine heart connection with anyone. We are still doing life alone, we are crying in the bathroom alone, we are rejoicing in our office alone and no amount of likes on our status or followers or our blog will ever make up for the actual presence of a friend.

And let's talk about when we are with our friends or family but still find it necessary to check the status updates of our other friends and miss a valuable connection with the person sitting right in front of us. We have almost lost the ability to sit with one another, look each other in the eye and just be with one another. I'm as guilty of this as the next person but I'm trying really hard to learn to be present in the moment and to give my loved ones the attention they deserve.

Our Worth
There is only one person who defines your worth, it's the one who created you. God alone gives you worth and your value is infinite because of Him. It's not based on you saying the right thing or always looking your best, it's based on who He is. Your value is intrinsic and does not change with a new day, new blog post or photo. You can rest in that fact and stop striving, stop worrying and maybe just maybe put your phone down for a few minutes and thank God for loving you lavishly and being more than enough. Not only is He enough for you, but you... are enough.

What Now?
As I mentioned, I think there are some great reasons to use social media and it's almost impossible not to in some form because that is the way the world operates today. But we can change our habits and our ways of thinking. I have a very all or nothing personality. It is really hard for me to do things in moderation so if it is harmful in someway I usually have to opt not to do it all. As I have noticed a fair amount of social anxiety and a severe amount of distraction from using facebook I have chosen to leave that form of social media indefinitely. In the last month and a half of being away, I have had richer times with those I love, more focused times of prayer and study, I've read actual books and I have been more at peace than I have in a long time. I still put up photos on Instagram but I'm seriously considering a "real life" series because I've managed to dupe everyone into believing that I live in some tropical paradise instead of a dirty, crime filled city (even though I really do think the city is beautiful) and I think a little realism might make us all feel a little better.

I don't know what, if any, changes you need to make. But it's worth taking a look at your social media habits, your motives behind using social media and how it's impacting your relationships and your own sanity. Ask yourself and then make the changes you need to make so that you can be fully present when your child says their first word or when your friend loses a child or even for the everyday joys of life like the first snowfall, a beautiful sunset or snuggling your kids.

Today, take a step towards genuine connection... call a friend or write a letter or pop over to see a loved one and make that connection with those that mean the most to you.

Sabbatical

I took my first ever sabbatical this year and today is my first day back. For one month I stepped away from the ministry entirely, didn't read one email or make one phone call. For two weeks I was able to not work at all and for one week I went completely off the grid. There are a lot of observations from this time that I want to share and rather than write some lengthy post I'll try to put them in a neat and concise list... let's see how I do...

• Most Americans don't understand the word sabbatical. Many people asked me why I was taking the sabbatical as if they thought something bad must have happened like I was burnt out or was being disciplined. It was incredibly foreign to think that I was simply obeying the Scriptures by taking a time of rest. 
• If you really want to rest, you should get as far away from your "real" life as possible.  Go somewhere where you can let your guard down, where you don't have to be "on" all the time, where you can be reminded of the simplicity and joy of life. If you're like me go somewhere where you can sip tea with a good friend, snuggle the most adorable kids in the worlds and take naps after getting 10 hours of sleep the night before. 
• Not everyone can take a month off from their job, I get that. But take time to rest, be it an hour or a day or a week...find time to rest, reflect and relish in all the beauty of life that would otherwise pass you by. 
• As often as you can go off the grid. I struggle with anxiety and a lot of it is social anxiety. I am worried about what people think or don't think, what I said or shouldn't have said. I made a few decisions for sabbatical, I went off Facebook completely, when I traveled I didn't check my email at all (2 weeks, no email and everyone survived!), and for one week I had my phone completely turned off. No texts, phone calls, instagramming...nothing. That may have been the best week of my life, I was able to rest and relax and let go of all the things I was anxious about because after all, I couldn't do anything about it anyways. I was able to be fully in the moment, fully in conversation with dear friends, fully invested in reading to the kids or snuggling. If I can encourage you to do anything....it would be unplug for however long you can and allow yourself to just be, right where you are. 
• Pray for those who are filling in the gaps in your absence. Pray for them to be encouraged and strengthened to have wisdom and discernment. Pray for them and trust the Lord, this is His work and He can manage fine without you for a month. After your done praying for them, thank God for them and their willingness and ability to give you a time of rest. And make sure when you get back that you thank them in person because after all they may not all be reading this blog! 
• Be intentional in spending time with the Lord. Seek his face and trust that he will meet you. Ask. Ask to be refreshed, renewed, to know him more, to see his goodness and faithfulness. Read a book that challenges you, journal and pray. He is waiting for you and has given you this time to refresh you both physically and spiritually so take it all in! 

I pray that you find time to rest, that you will make time to rest and that you will be blessed abundantly for your faithfulness.