What do you do when your dreams are crushed?

I want to answer that question, but the truth is, I'm only asking it because I'm watching as my dreams slip away. I'm not trying to be dramatic and I know things can be a lot worse, but comparing losses gets us nowhere. A dream crushed is a dream crushed and all of them matter.

I like to say things like "The process is just as important as the outcome" and "God must have something better". But today, my heart doesn't agree with my head. Today, my heart hurts and is confused and even a little bit angry.

I'm in the middle of a sabbatical and that's an incredible gift. It's also really hard. No one tells you how hard it will be. How lonely you will feel, how when the novelty and adventure wear off you will begin to doubt your worth and value or purpose in this world. How when you have stepped away from the work you are so passionate about and all the other areas of your life fall apart you feel so so empty. They don't tell you that part. Or how some will doubt you, and your intentions with this time, and how they'll tell you that on the same day that you get the news that devastates you. Not in the brochure...

I want to say that I am sure that God has a bigger and better plan. I want to say that all this will work for good. I want to say that I trust God and I'm not afraid. But I don't wholeheartedly believe any of that today. I believe it a little and I hope I will believe it more and I hope that it will all turn out to be true. But today, I got on my knees and wept and cried out to God. "So many dreams have been taken, so now what? I need you to show up. I need to know that you see me and hear me and care about this. I believe that you love me but sometimes I have to cling a little to much to past evidence and really wish I had a win for today."

Rejection and loss are hard to face. And maybe they don't define us but they are definitely land markers in our story. We try and we work and seek God and pray and plan and sometimes we are still left with nothing. Or at least, what feels like nothing in this moment. So, I don't know. I really don't know what the answer is. I think that you just stumble around in the dark until you hopefully find a light switch or maybe even just a flashlight. I think that you fall on your face and cry and tell God how much it hurts and how confused you are. I think you wait for the Lord but get up and keep going at the same time. I think you trust that he's good while maybe changing your opinion of what that means. 

God IS good. He is with us. I know he's with me. I know that when my heart hurts his does too. And honestly, that's about all I know right now. It's enough though, it's enough to take the next step. It's enough to wake up and start again tomorrow. It's enough to draw me to my knees and keep coming to Jesus, just to know that he's there.

If you feel the same today, if you just can't make sense of what's happening and feel empty-handed, you aren't alone. I hope that God's presence with you will be enough. I hope that you will draw near and pour out your heart, he loves when we come to him. I hope that you will be comforted and encouraged. You, are not alone. And I hope that we'll both be able to dream again.. even if it's just one little flicker of a flame that ignites, may it be enough to draw us out in hope for the good things that will come just as surely as the heartache.

Looking for the light with you,
Jen

"I always pray as if this one thing is true: God is for us. And it's worthwhile to keep knocking. That's all I know about faith for sure" Sarah Bessey