Unpredictable Grief

"But He knows the way that I take..." Job 23:10

"Not that I'm over it but little by little its getting easier to pretend it's easier which means easier must be around the corner...". so often that's our temptation, if we can't make ourselves better maybe we can at least pretend that we are better? Of course that won't actually make us feel better but it will take off some of the pressure we feel from those around us that we feel we've exhausted with our seemingly endless grief. We might resort to small talk or maybe just isolation so we don't have to face the impending waves of grief, sure to topple us over if we face them.
We want to control it, to confine it to terms and stages, we don't want to believe that we're at its mercy. As I've observed grief in the last year, in my own life and those I love, I have learned that it is anything but predictable. We may determine to pick ourselves up and be well but the wave of grief is often stronger than our determination. We may shove our grief into categories but we'll find ourselves disappointed when we go "backwards" and wind up at the beginning. But the reality is, grief is unpredictable, it follows no pattern and no set of philosophies can pull us out of it.
I have longed to learn how to grieve well, in a way that brings hope and healing and hopefully a growth of character. The temptation is to cover it, hide from it and do anything but feel it and let it bring us to our knees.
There is no magic formula, no five or twelve step process, no words or phrases that if repeated enough times will pull you out. Even saying that grief is a "process" is in some ways our attempt to exercise some control. If it's a process, it must have a determined end. If I take all the steps in the process I'll get there. But the truth is, grief is messy and inconvenient and certainly untimely. 

We're afraid that we'll never come up again. Afraid that we can't pull ourselves out. And the truth is, we can't. We would give anything to let go of the doubts, fears, anxieties, what if's, the crushing sadness...to find peace, to trust and hope in the unknown. And there are moments where we have all that, but then, without warning, the wave of grief can topple us over and we find ourselves on our knees again. 

And we feel guilty that we're still sitting in it. Like we should have done something to pull ourselves out and it's our own fault that we're still here. And maybe in some cases there is some truth to that, we can certainly make things harder on ourselves and slow our process but often times it's just the unpredictability of grief. It's three steps forward and two back, it's a lack of control and a realization that we are not all powerful and life doesn't follow a set of rules and despite what our culture tells us we can't have everything instantly.

Grief is hard and unkind and very very unpredictable. We respond with our fight or flight reflexes because anything is better than admitting that we are at our end, that we don't understand, that the pain is unbearable and we have folded under the weight of it. We want to be strong, to move on like everyone expects us to, to feel joy more than pain. And we will. We will feel joy, and freedom and a lightness that is currently foreign but there's no telling when or how we'll get there. And there's no proof that getting there faster will actually be good for us. Sometimes we need to sit in it. We need to stop masking it, replacing it, denying it and we need to sit and let the waves wash over us, until gradually, without us even realizing it, they begin to recede and we find ourselves able to breathe, able to see, able to stand with sure feet on solid ground.

In the meantime, though it may not feel like it, we can be sure that God has us. That while our grip is loose, His is strong. That while our vision is clouded, His is clear and He sees us. That while there are no easy answers, no formulas to heal our hearts and take away the pain there are answers. God is with you. God is working. As much as you'll be unpredictably taken out by grief, you will eventually find a surprising relief. It will come. He is faithful to deliver you, whether through or out of your trials, He will deliver you. In some ways I think we'll always grieve our losses but hope will find a way through the grief, over and over again, hope will find a way. 

It's ok that you can't hear him, that you can't see him. He's still there. It's ok that you don't know how to pull yourself out of the fog, you don't have to. Sometimes our most powerful prayer is simply, "God, help!" We need His help and we need to be willing to wait so that He can work out His purposes, he will not be late and He will come. Grief is unpredictable but our God is trustworthy, unchangeable and as much as we can count on the surprising blows of grief we can count on our God to meet us in our weakest moment and to bring us through. 

"But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold...he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does. For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind." Job 23:10-14
"But the Lord was my support. He brought me into a broad place; He delivered me because He delighted in me." Psalm 18:18,19

The Potter

The last few weeks have been so full of emotions, unknowns, answers, heartache and rejoicing, I hardly know which way is up anymore. I don't feel defeated or down necessarily, I guess I just sort of feel neutral, like all my emotions are cancelling each other out.

I've been processing how to know God's will or that He's present or good. I have found myself sort of drifting through my circumstances uncertain of how to answer those questions. Uncertain of how to pray, what to ask for or if I would be heard when I asked.

I'm not ungrateful or without faith but things aren't the same as they were. And I suppose that's a good thing, that God, not intending to leave me where I was at, has me right where He wants me, not in an assassin sniper way, but in the way a loving Father leads his daughter so she can grow, so she can depend on Him more and trust in Him. There are always new depths of love with God. We think we get it, that we've "arrived" or somehow know Him in His fullness but there's always more. His vehicles for getting us there, to a place of knowing these new depths are often not what we would choose, sometimes they are, sometimes we are brought to His heart through intense joy and the culmination of our dreams. Sometimes we are brought through uncertainty and excruciating pain. How the Potter chooses to shape the clay is up to Him, He chooses the tools, He knows the finished product and we are either willfully submitting to Him or fighting against Him. I guess I do both. I know the way that leads to life is in bending my will to His. I know (at least in my head) that He IS love and acts in love towards me even when it feels like torture.

There is something to be said for surviving the pain. For enduring with the Lord and coming out on the other side with Him. It's like any relationship, when you go through something traumatic together, it often draws you closer. You realize how much you need that person, how grateful you are for them and are convinced that you could survive anything together. I tend to forget that at first, I ask questions like "are you there? are you real? am I being punished or forgotten?" Maybe it's because we can't see Him that we are more likely to question Him. While I am sure that He is more present, more compassionate, more loving than anyone on earth, it can be easier to believe of those I can see and feel in the flesh.

But I do see Him. I see Him in the sunsets and crashing waves. I feel Him in the embrace of my loved ones or a gentle breeze on my face. He is here and He is who He says He is. He is love. So in this moment, I am choosing to trust, to bend to and rest in the will of the Father. And I pray that I will have the faith to choose it again in the next moment not just out of submission because, after all He's God, but in hope of what God is doing and will do through this unexpected flurry of circumstances which I would never have chosen but have to believe are in fact working towards my good and the good of others and for His glory.

"Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?" John 11:40