What do you do when your dreams are crushed?

I want to answer that question, but the truth is, I'm only asking it because I'm watching as my dreams slip away. I'm not trying to be dramatic and I know things can be a lot worse, but comparing losses gets us nowhere. A dream crushed is a dream crushed and all of them matter.

I like to say things like "The process is just as important as the outcome" and "God must have something better". But today, my heart doesn't agree with my head. Today, my heart hurts and is confused and even a little bit angry.

I'm in the middle of a sabbatical and that's an incredible gift. It's also really hard. No one tells you how hard it will be. How lonely you will feel, how when the novelty and adventure wear off you will begin to doubt your worth and value or purpose in this world. How when you have stepped away from the work you are so passionate about and all the other areas of your life fall apart you feel so so empty. They don't tell you that part. Or how some will doubt you, and your intentions with this time, and how they'll tell you that on the same day that you get the news that devastates you. Not in the brochure...

I want to say that I am sure that God has a bigger and better plan. I want to say that all this will work for good. I want to say that I trust God and I'm not afraid. But I don't wholeheartedly believe any of that today. I believe it a little and I hope I will believe it more and I hope that it will all turn out to be true. But today, I got on my knees and wept and cried out to God. "So many dreams have been taken, so now what? I need you to show up. I need to know that you see me and hear me and care about this. I believe that you love me but sometimes I have to cling a little to much to past evidence and really wish I had a win for today."

Rejection and loss are hard to face. And maybe they don't define us but they are definitely land markers in our story. We try and we work and seek God and pray and plan and sometimes we are still left with nothing. Or at least, what feels like nothing in this moment. So, I don't know. I really don't know what the answer is. I think that you just stumble around in the dark until you hopefully find a light switch or maybe even just a flashlight. I think that you fall on your face and cry and tell God how much it hurts and how confused you are. I think you wait for the Lord but get up and keep going at the same time. I think you trust that he's good while maybe changing your opinion of what that means. 

God IS good. He is with us. I know he's with me. I know that when my heart hurts his does too. And honestly, that's about all I know right now. It's enough though, it's enough to take the next step. It's enough to wake up and start again tomorrow. It's enough to draw me to my knees and keep coming to Jesus, just to know that he's there.

If you feel the same today, if you just can't make sense of what's happening and feel empty-handed, you aren't alone. I hope that God's presence with you will be enough. I hope that you will draw near and pour out your heart, he loves when we come to him. I hope that you will be comforted and encouraged. You, are not alone. And I hope that we'll both be able to dream again.. even if it's just one little flicker of a flame that ignites, may it be enough to draw us out in hope for the good things that will come just as surely as the heartache.

Looking for the light with you,
Jen

"I always pray as if this one thing is true: God is for us. And it's worthwhile to keep knocking. That's all I know about faith for sure" Sarah Bessey

Perfect Love Casts Out Fear

I just finished a six week inner healing prayer ministry. It was incredibly difficult, exhausting, sometimes deeply sad and yet life-giving, healing, and hopeful at the same time. Each week I sent out prayer requests to a few friends whom I had asked to pray for me through the process. As I shared what the Lord was revealing to me and how he was leading me to pray I was met with many responses of gratefulness for my vulnerability, it turned out that many others had the same struggles, questions and fears that I did.

There are some dark thoughts in my head at times, some places of my heart that I am sure if people knew they would not love and accept me, their perception of me would change completely.

But then, slowly, as I unveil these places I find with surprising joy that many others feel the same way. I don't have to live in fear of rejection or embarrassment and when I choose not to and share those places of my heart not only do I move into greater freedom but it enables others to as well.

Below is the last email I sent out before the end of my time in this ministry. It was scary to write these things down and press send. If I hadn't I would have still believed I was the only one, if I hadn't I wouldn't have opened up the opportunity for healing in my heart and the heart's of others. So I decided to not only press "send" but to press "publish" as well, and send this out into the deep void where I am sure, at least one other person will say, "me too".

Hi friends,

Well, it's officially my last week with Abor Springs prayer ministry. Home stretch! I know the work has just begun and therefore would love for you to continue praying through things with me even after this process is over.

I have been really challenged in the last couple of weeks regarding my perception of God and the events in my life. Do I really believe God is good and that His intentions towards me are good? I have also been challenged in my own devotion to the Lord, He has asked me to choose Him above all else and to choose Him no matter what and I have been wrestling with this the last few weeks as I've prayed over relationships, chronic pain and other things that easily lead me to a place of mistrust and depression.

My prayer is that I will dig deep, that I will be "deep earth" if you will, that I will trust God when everything seems against me and that I will praise Him and love Him in all circumstances. That I will allow Him to work instead of striving in my own flesh. And I think most of all that I will believe that He loves me in all circumstances.

My other prayer is how I relate to others, I have been praying to find my validation in the Lord so that as I know I am loved I am free to love others unconditionally. That I will take what people say and do at face value and trust them and most importantly trust the Lord.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." 1 John 4:18