One Step at a Time

I have such a hard time with this. A situation arises and I think of every "what if" for the next five years. I get so far ahead of myself that I completely freak myself out and give up on things entirely because they have the potential to not turn out the way I hope they will.

And I'm praying and asking the Lord for help and telling Him I'm anxious and I hear, "So what?... What if the end result isn't what you think it will be? Will it change who I am? Will it change our relationship? Will I cease to be God? Will I cease to be good? Will I not be with you no matter what?"

Deep breath. Eyes shut tight. Hands open. I shake my head. "No Lord. You will never leave me nor forsake me. You will withhold no good thing, you are God and you are good, I can trust you."

And it's not that He's distant or doesn't care about the things that concern my heart, big and small, but that the end goal isn't all these things that keep me up at night...the end goal is Him.

His mercies are new every morning. I have been given the grace for today, the grace for this step. He will meet me at the next one with all that I need, I can trust Him.

So I'm learning to take steps, one at a time, with more concern about who is holding my hand as I climb then where we'll end up. Staying in the moment. Looking for God's heart, the stroke of his paintbrush, the faithful sting of his scalpel as He takes me forward, one step at a time.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase" Martin Luther King Jr.

Never Enough

I loved with expectation. Not of the return of that love or praise of that love, well, not solely for that. I loved believing that my love was enough. Enough to heal, enough to replace decades of losses, enough to soften a heart.


A few weeks ago I wrote about deep rooted idols. Things and people we allow to take the space in our hearts meant only for the one who created them. There is perhaps a greater temptation... Our belief that we can take that place in someone else's heart. That we are the answer for them.


After months of praying, and "dying to myself" I was devastated when I wasn't enough. My love didn't heal past hurts, didn't sweeten the bitterness or melt the hardness. My love wasn't enough.


Frustrated. Hurt. Bewildered. How foolish we are when we think we are the answer, how devastatingly crushing it would be if we were. The weight of another human heart is not something we can carry. We can't heal, restore and redeem. There is but One.


Perhaps our attempts to carry only increase the load for the burden bearer. Perhaps we have but to step back, palms up and empty, knees bent, head bowed and allow our Savior, Redeemer to carry both of us.


Pride and foolishness drive us, we want to be wanted, needed. We can never be enough and what ruin would find us if we were expected to be so.


And so, we let go. We look to the One. We point others to Him. We trust, we wait, we hope. He is more than enough, more than able and delights to deliver us, us and those we love.


"He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters. He rescued me from my strong enemy and from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my support. He brought me into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me." Psalm 18:16-19

Sometimes Goliath Kicks the S#*t out of David...

We love the stories of triumphant underdog, the overcomers, defeating giants, the unexpected victory. Those are the stories we tell, the ones we make into movies and books. To be honest, they're the ones I want to hear, read about or watch in a film. I want those stories because in real life, well, in real life, "sometimes Goliath kicks the shit out of David, it's just nobody ever bothers to tell that story". That's actually a line from one of my favorite, and very insightful ;) movies "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton" (you never know where you're going to find wisdom!) We know that in the fleeting vapor that is this life, good doesn't always triumph, the underdog often remains in their lowly position and some people never overcome.

There are other stories in the Bible, less popular for sure. Stories of extreme heartache and loss. Stories of God's faithful servants devastated and left to doubt all that they were sure of. What happens when God doesn't show up? When He doesn't rescue you or come through? Why aren't we telling those stories?

Is He still God? Still good? Still present? Sovereign? When He leads you into heartache, can you still trust Him? Can you be sure you heard Him in the first place or that He even speaks to you? There are hard questions that need to be asked. Questions that, if we're honest, might never be answered.

Sometimes the questions are all we have. Some we think we know the answers to and we wait in hope that our hearts will soon believe what our minds are convinced of. Some, I'm sure, we'll never find the answers to. Can we find encouragement and hope when there is no obvious victory? Can we trust a God we don't understand?

One of the things God commands repeatedly in His Word is "to remember". The reason I think He wants us to remember is that, if we do, carefully scan our memories, we will remember obvious times of victory, times where our prayers were answered exactly as we prayed them, sometimes miraculously. In remembering those times we might be able to muster up enough faith to make it through the times when God seems absent or cruel. Because if God is unchanging, then His faithfulness then is the same today, I just may not have the ability to perceive it. And when I doubt His goodness, I either have to doubt everything the Bible says or I have to put aside that doubt because if I question one area of biblical thought, I have to question them all. So if I believe that God is merciful and forgives my sins, I have to believe that He is good and acts out of love always, because that's what the Bible says. In remembering, I can move forward. Remembering God's past faithfulness helps me to believe in His present and future faithfulness, even if I can't discern it at the time.

Sometimes, Goliath wins. It's not the ending we want, and maybe it doesn't make any sense but it doesn't change who God is. We are faced with this truth, one that I am daily trying to grasp; Our hope is not in the ways of our God (which we may pretend to understand) but in God Himself. May we hope in our God in and through all things, who is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Oh, give thanks to the LORD!
Call upon His name;
Make known His deeds among the peoples!

Sing to Him, sing psalms to Him;
Talk of all His wonderous works!

Glory in His holy name;
Let the hearts of those rejoice who seek the LORD!

Seek the LORD and His strength;
Seek His face evermore!

Remember His marvelous works which He has done,
His wonders, and the judgments of His mouth,

O seed of Israel His servant,
You children of Jacob, His chosen ones!

He is the LORD our God;
His judgments are in all the earth.

Remember His covenant forever,
The word which He commanded, for a thousand generations...

1 Chronicles 16:8-15

Living With Chronic Pain- My Messy Beautiful Part Two

This post isn't officially a part of the messy beautiful project but in writing the first one I was inspired to dig in deep into some of the other messy areas of my life.

I've had neck pain and migraines since I was a little girl. I remember curling up in a ball (child's pose for all you yoga buffs out there) on the floor and crying as my head pounded and nausea took over my body.
I went home from school sick all the time. Which to be honest, was kind of nice because it meant my mom had to leave work to come get me so I got to see her and she would always buy me ice cream.

They didn't know a lot about migraine until about 15 years ago, there was really no treatment or understanding of what caused it. So you just had to wait it out. When I was in college they finally came out with a medicine that worked. I could take it and within a few hours I would feel better, it was a miracle. Of course it was expensive but ask any migraine sufferer and they'll tell you it's worth it.

Even with new medication and new understanding of the causes of migraine, mine have been a constant friend (or foe?). Living with chronic pain is hard. You learn to put on a smile and pretend you're ok and continue with your daily tasks but it's hard and it doesn't really get easier. Usually after the 10th day in a row or so of a migraine I break down. I curl up in my bed and cry and cry because I am so discouraged and tired. It's discouraging. I can't do everything I want to do because of the pain and because some things might cause further pain.

One time a friend said to me (regarding my health issues) "what's the worst thing that could happen? You die and go to be with Jesus." To which I responded, "actually, that's the best thing that could happen. The worst thing would be I keep living, and never get better. The worst thing would be that no man ever chooses me to love because he doesn't want to take on lifelong sickness. The worst thing would be I'm not strong enough to care for a family, that would be the worst." And those are the fears that daily plague me. For many women the common fear is that we are too much and not enough all at the same time and adding chronic pain onto that exponentially grows that fear. I hate asking for prayer because I feel like I'm annoying and assume people are tired of hearing about my pain. I also think that I've done such a good job of hiding my pain that people may not actually believe me when I tell them how bad it really is.

This is supposed to be encouraging somehow but sometimes I really don't feel encouraged. I feel worn out and hopeless. I feel like things will never get better and I won't be able to handle that. But then I remember everyday before today and how God gave me the grace to handle it. How He met me in those dark places and spoke life to me. I remember the times I've had with Jesus in the midst of my pain that I never would have had otherwise, the depths we have gone too because of my great need for Him in my weakness. And what I wouldn't give to be healed and free of this pain but yet I'm so grateful for God's faithfulness in the midst of it. We live in a fallen, sin-plagued, painful world but God is able to take our brokenness and pain and work it to good in our lives and I can testify that He does just that.

"And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

"Don't give up on us."

"Don't give up on us!" Those words hurriedly exclaimed as we walked away from M several weeks ago impacted me so much that I actually wrote them down next to her name where I take weekly notes. When we approached her tonight she was walking away from us, we called after her and when she realized who we were she walked towards us almost as if she couldn't help herself,  as if she was being drawn in.

"I remember you, you prayed with me and everything began to change," she said as tears filled her eyes. She began to tell us the steps she had made towards getting out of the Game for good and how she hadn't been out in weeks until tonight... She asked that we pray for her, that this truly would be her last night. We offered to take her with us but she said it wasn't safe then because her pimp was watching her and would come after her.

We exchanged numbers and assured her that we willing to be a part of the process with her as she continued to make steps towards freedom. She left us with the same plea as last time, "please keep praying and...don't give up on us."

Those five words are so simple yet so powerful. How many times in a day do I want to give up?
It would be embarrassing to say, but the truth is sometimes the battle seems too great and I feel so small. And then I think about how often I say those same words to God, "don't give up on me.I know I'm making the same mistakes over and over, I know I'm putting my trust in worldly things, I know I'm choosing my way over yours.... but please, don't give up on me." And He doesn't. He remains steadfast, immoveable. He loves without condition. He pursues relentlessly, He corrects with gentleness again and again. He comforts me. Teaches me. Waits patiently for me. He never gives up.

And though I look at the women we meet on Friday nights; the circumstances they find themselves in, the lies they have believed, the overwhelming destruction and sense of hopelessness and in my flesh I want to give up, by the power of God's Spirit I am able to press on and love as I ought to love...as my Savior has loved me.  And when I am overwhelmed and it looks like evil is winning and the battle rages on... I remember my Savior, the One who has overcome the grave, the One who has conquered sin and death, the One who is alive, the One who has made a way and desires that none should perish but that all should have everlasting life. I remember that it is He who is fighting this battle, it is He who sets the captives free, it is He who makes beauty from ashes.

I know that you who are reading this are in the midst of a battle too (whether you know it or not is a subject for another blog) and sometimes you feel like you will never overcome and you simply want to give up. Don't. But DO, run to the one who HAS overcome, run to Him and rest in Him. He has called you to this place, in this time, for His purposes. He will carry you through to victory which you already have in Him. In those moments when you feel like you're not enough (be assured that you aren't) trust in the one who is, who lives in you and loves through you.

And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. 1 John 4:16

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

"Don't give up on us." M, a young woman enslaved to prostitution and seeking freedom