What do you do when your dreams are crushed?

I want to answer that question, but the truth is, I'm only asking it because I'm watching as my dreams slip away. I'm not trying to be dramatic and I know things can be a lot worse, but comparing losses gets us nowhere. A dream crushed is a dream crushed and all of them matter.

I like to say things like "The process is just as important as the outcome" and "God must have something better". But today, my heart doesn't agree with my head. Today, my heart hurts and is confused and even a little bit angry.

I'm in the middle of a sabbatical and that's an incredible gift. It's also really hard. No one tells you how hard it will be. How lonely you will feel, how when the novelty and adventure wear off you will begin to doubt your worth and value or purpose in this world. How when you have stepped away from the work you are so passionate about and all the other areas of your life fall apart you feel so so empty. They don't tell you that part. Or how some will doubt you, and your intentions with this time, and how they'll tell you that on the same day that you get the news that devastates you. Not in the brochure...

I want to say that I am sure that God has a bigger and better plan. I want to say that all this will work for good. I want to say that I trust God and I'm not afraid. But I don't wholeheartedly believe any of that today. I believe it a little and I hope I will believe it more and I hope that it will all turn out to be true. But today, I got on my knees and wept and cried out to God. "So many dreams have been taken, so now what? I need you to show up. I need to know that you see me and hear me and care about this. I believe that you love me but sometimes I have to cling a little to much to past evidence and really wish I had a win for today."

Rejection and loss are hard to face. And maybe they don't define us but they are definitely land markers in our story. We try and we work and seek God and pray and plan and sometimes we are still left with nothing. Or at least, what feels like nothing in this moment. So, I don't know. I really don't know what the answer is. I think that you just stumble around in the dark until you hopefully find a light switch or maybe even just a flashlight. I think that you fall on your face and cry and tell God how much it hurts and how confused you are. I think you wait for the Lord but get up and keep going at the same time. I think you trust that he's good while maybe changing your opinion of what that means. 

God IS good. He is with us. I know he's with me. I know that when my heart hurts his does too. And honestly, that's about all I know right now. It's enough though, it's enough to take the next step. It's enough to wake up and start again tomorrow. It's enough to draw me to my knees and keep coming to Jesus, just to know that he's there.

If you feel the same today, if you just can't make sense of what's happening and feel empty-handed, you aren't alone. I hope that God's presence with you will be enough. I hope that you will draw near and pour out your heart, he loves when we come to him. I hope that you will be comforted and encouraged. You, are not alone. And I hope that we'll both be able to dream again.. even if it's just one little flicker of a flame that ignites, may it be enough to draw us out in hope for the good things that will come just as surely as the heartache.

Looking for the light with you,
Jen

"I always pray as if this one thing is true: God is for us. And it's worthwhile to keep knocking. That's all I know about faith for sure" Sarah Bessey

God With Us...

That's it. That's the one thing. There are a lot of questions without answers. Questions that we desperately want answers to. And I've wrestled and I've searched and I've wept and sometimes even laughed, wanting only to have an answer.

And here's what I know. It's really hard to make sense out of most things. Karma doesn't exist. There isn't always a why or even a greater purpose. We as human beings experience incredible amounts of tragedy in our lifetime and some of it, most of it, doesn't make any sense. And it hurts. It hurts so much that sometimes we can barely breathe or get out of bed or smile at the person next to us. And all that I know is that Jesus hurts too. But he doesn't hurt from a distance, he hurts here with us. Jesus is Immanuel, God with us. The world is broken and fallen and Jesus' heart is broken with ours. And we don't have to endure it alone and we aren't without hope. Because of the brokenness Jesus came and took on death that we might live with him forever. Because our hearts would break too, Jesus came in the flesh to feel with us, to weep with us, to comfort and care for us in the darkest places so that we could hope in his presence now and into eternity. And he's there in the elated joy too, the times we feel so happy and free, he rejoices with us and hopes with us.

It feels safer to have answers. If there's a reason why, it might make the suffering worth it. But if we're honest, most of the time, there is no reason why. I hope that doesn't make you hurt even more but I hope that you see that God, the creator of all that is, in whose image you were made, loves you so much that he came and lived among us and took on flesh, to comfort you, to reconcile you, to restore you, to show you compassion and weep with you. You will never be alone. You will always be loved, always understood, always seen. Some things are clear and obviously purposeful, some things are made purposeful by our loving God, the world is not without purpose and meaning but when the answers aren't clear we can cling to what is...God is with us. And if you're like me and that's a hard thing for you to remember, when the pain is overwhelming and the questions and doubts are mounting, you might just want to tattoo it on your arm...

ps. major props to my tattoo artist Gabriel who was perfectly zen and yet so excited about this major moment in my life and said, and I quote, "time will stop when you're in that chair..." I'd get another tattoo just to hangout with that guy again ;)

Vulnerability

"Vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage" Brene Brown

God has called me into great vulnerabiltiy over the last couple of years, I have had this "vulnerability hangover" that author Brene Brown mentions, on more occasions than not. I have felt raw and exposed and anything but brave. One definition I found of brave was; Ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage. I have been given the opportunity (doesn't that word make it sound a lot more fun??) to face pain and even danger on multiple occasions in the last few years. One of the most incredible things about each of these situations was that in facing what I feared most and often finding that my fears were in fact founded, I also made it through. The things I feared the most didn't kill me or destroy me and in facing my fears, in sitting in that place of pain and doubt and looking for God's presence in the midst of it, I most often found healing.

 I think if we knew what we were asking for when we asked for healing, we might hesitate. We think healing will come as God floods our life with joy and answered prayers that will make up for all we have lost or feel we are lacking. And in a sense, it will, but most often the joy comes as we realize His presence in the midst of our suffering and questions, as the psalmist says, "in His presence is the fullness of joy", fewer things draw us into God's presence more than our desperate need for him in times of suffering. I absolutely believe God works through our vulnerability. As we open ourselves to God and others we are able to be changed, to grow, to heal, to ask hard questions, to dream, to hope, to live. We learn that we belong to one another, that we are seen and heard and loved in the truest version of ourselves.

One more thing I want to say is how grateful I am for those who have helped me live into this. Those who have listened as I've shared my thoughts in ways that are disjointed and often confusing. Who have sat with me as I've cried. Your presence in my life is invaluable and is what allows me to be courageous. With all my heart, thank you. May each of us be a safe place for others to show how courageous they are.

I Just Need Some Space Right Now...

I have been wrestling for a good portion of my walk with God with some fairly big issues. It has been exhausting, sometimes I have felt defeated and wanted to walk away completely. I find that there tend to be two camps of believers, make that three (even if I'm the only one who occupies that third camp); those who strongly believe one way and those who strongly believe the opposite of whatever the others believe. I am not a huge fan of dogmatic beliefs, ok, I'm not a fan at all. In some ways I admire the ability of those other two camps to have and hold such firm beliefs but mostly I just feel defeated by them, I feel ostracized by them, I feel alone in my own little camp.


There are some really hard questions when it comes to faith, especially when it comes to how we live out our faith in our present culture.
I think we have answers to a lot of things but I think those answers are complex and layered and rarely as simple as a "vote ___" on whatever the current issue is. The more these issues surface the more I find myself desiring space to seek out answers. Sometimes I feel crowded in by both sides of an issue, each sure that they are right, each sure that if I am really a Christian I will agree with them. And I do, I agree with both of them. I would love to see the Christian community be a safe place to ask questions. I would love to feel safe telling my "conservative" friends that I think women should be given more leadership and teaching opportunities or that I think legalizing gay marriage was the right thing to do. And I would love to be able to tell my "liberal" friends that I think Jesus IS the only way and life apart from him will certainly feel like hell whether here on earth or in life beyond this earth. And I would like to not actually be sure of any of those things but be able to talk them out and sit in uncertainty without being told I'm in sin or rebelling or I can't possibly really love people or God if I believe x, y or z.

If I sound frustrated, it's because I am. Frustrated and exhausted. Like so many sad and cliched break ups that have gone before I'm here to say "I just need some space right now". Not space from Jesus, where could I go from his spirit? But space with Jesus, to wrestle out some hard questions and find his heart in the midst of all this chaos.

To those who may find themselves wrestling with some of the same things I hope you find a safe space to ask those questions. I hope I will be one of those safe people that others can come to. I KNOW that Jesus is safe and wants to sit with you in that space. And to those who have graciously given me space, thank you, it means more to me than you know. 

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand." Henri Nouwen

ps. I'm not a fan of the terms "liberal" and "conservative" as they are used in our current culture, hence the quotation marks when I use them. I would love to change their meaning but I think I'll save that task for another day...

Unpredictable Grief

"But He knows the way that I take..." Job 23:10

"Not that I'm over it but little by little its getting easier to pretend it's easier which means easier must be around the corner...". so often that's our temptation, if we can't make ourselves better maybe we can at least pretend that we are better? Of course that won't actually make us feel better but it will take off some of the pressure we feel from those around us that we feel we've exhausted with our seemingly endless grief. We might resort to small talk or maybe just isolation so we don't have to face the impending waves of grief, sure to topple us over if we face them.
We want to control it, to confine it to terms and stages, we don't want to believe that we're at its mercy. As I've observed grief in the last year, in my own life and those I love, I have learned that it is anything but predictable. We may determine to pick ourselves up and be well but the wave of grief is often stronger than our determination. We may shove our grief into categories but we'll find ourselves disappointed when we go "backwards" and wind up at the beginning. But the reality is, grief is unpredictable, it follows no pattern and no set of philosophies can pull us out of it.
I have longed to learn how to grieve well, in a way that brings hope and healing and hopefully a growth of character. The temptation is to cover it, hide from it and do anything but feel it and let it bring us to our knees.
There is no magic formula, no five or twelve step process, no words or phrases that if repeated enough times will pull you out. Even saying that grief is a "process" is in some ways our attempt to exercise some control. If it's a process, it must have a determined end. If I take all the steps in the process I'll get there. But the truth is, grief is messy and inconvenient and certainly untimely. 

We're afraid that we'll never come up again. Afraid that we can't pull ourselves out. And the truth is, we can't. We would give anything to let go of the doubts, fears, anxieties, what if's, the crushing sadness...to find peace, to trust and hope in the unknown. And there are moments where we have all that, but then, without warning, the wave of grief can topple us over and we find ourselves on our knees again. 

And we feel guilty that we're still sitting in it. Like we should have done something to pull ourselves out and it's our own fault that we're still here. And maybe in some cases there is some truth to that, we can certainly make things harder on ourselves and slow our process but often times it's just the unpredictability of grief. It's three steps forward and two back, it's a lack of control and a realization that we are not all powerful and life doesn't follow a set of rules and despite what our culture tells us we can't have everything instantly.

Grief is hard and unkind and very very unpredictable. We respond with our fight or flight reflexes because anything is better than admitting that we are at our end, that we don't understand, that the pain is unbearable and we have folded under the weight of it. We want to be strong, to move on like everyone expects us to, to feel joy more than pain. And we will. We will feel joy, and freedom and a lightness that is currently foreign but there's no telling when or how we'll get there. And there's no proof that getting there faster will actually be good for us. Sometimes we need to sit in it. We need to stop masking it, replacing it, denying it and we need to sit and let the waves wash over us, until gradually, without us even realizing it, they begin to recede and we find ourselves able to breathe, able to see, able to stand with sure feet on solid ground.

In the meantime, though it may not feel like it, we can be sure that God has us. That while our grip is loose, His is strong. That while our vision is clouded, His is clear and He sees us. That while there are no easy answers, no formulas to heal our hearts and take away the pain there are answers. God is with you. God is working. As much as you'll be unpredictably taken out by grief, you will eventually find a surprising relief. It will come. He is faithful to deliver you, whether through or out of your trials, He will deliver you. In some ways I think we'll always grieve our losses but hope will find a way through the grief, over and over again, hope will find a way. 

It's ok that you can't hear him, that you can't see him. He's still there. It's ok that you don't know how to pull yourself out of the fog, you don't have to. Sometimes our most powerful prayer is simply, "God, help!" We need His help and we need to be willing to wait so that He can work out His purposes, he will not be late and He will come. Grief is unpredictable but our God is trustworthy, unchangeable and as much as we can count on the surprising blows of grief we can count on our God to meet us in our weakest moment and to bring us through. 

"But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold...he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does. For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind." Job 23:10-14
"But the Lord was my support. He brought me into a broad place; He delivered me because He delighted in me." Psalm 18:18,19

Quiet Miracles

Sometimes the miracle is a quiet one.


We are quick to recognize cancer healed, relationships restored, rain in a seemingly endless drought as miracles. When something we never expected and had lost the ability to hope for happens we easily proclaim the miraculous. 

But then there are the quiet, everyday, "small" miracles that we might miss if we don't know to look for them. 

How many of us upon reading the story of the birth of Christ, skim over it because we know how it goes and it's the same story we read last year, right? And really what's so remarkable about a baby born in a barn?

I was reading Matthew chapter one today and literally breezed right over the words, "for he will save his people from their sins". Yea, yea, we all know... and my eyes wander over the words again. There is no greater miracle. And yet, he came quietly, in a stable, unnoticed and unremarkable.

And I have to wonder how many quiet miracles I miss everyday?

God would you help us see the miracle in the seemingly small and insignificant, in the mundane, in those we pass by without second thought, in our work, our loved ones, our places of doubt and fear, where there is joy and contentment, from the darkest to the lightest places, help us to see. Amen.


"And she will bring forth a Son, and you shall call His name JESUS, for He will save His people from their sins.So all this was done that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the Lord through the prophet, saying:'Behold, the virgin shall be with child, and bear a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel,' which is translated, 'God with us.'"

His Way is Perfect

Remember that month where you suffered a loss in relationship, your roommate had emergency surgery, your car broke down, your sister fell and wound up in the ER, your stepmom lost her job, you lost your wallet only to find it later with everything missing including your Golden Spoon stamp card (are there no decent people left in the world??!), BOTH your Grandma's were in the hospital, you drove to Colorado for rest and refuge but had to pull off the highway because the first snow of the year came hard in the middle of your drive and because your wallet was stolen you had no way to pay for your hotel room and had to call your Dad? Yea...

We've all had months like this, where NOTHING seems to go our way. Some are much harder than this, and some seem to last all year. We live in a broken and fallen world. We are broken people. We take on too much and can't keep up. We carry the burdens of others sometimes forgetting ourselves. We stumble and fall and make bad choices. And confusion and heartache seem to reign.

And then... the miracle. NOTHING changes. But God. Immanuel, God with us. Somewhere in the chaos and crying out you hear Him, that still, small voice "I am with you". Somewhere in the blinding, blur you see Him, wide arms ready to embrace you. Joy, trust, peace, even laughter take over your heart, your mind, and you fall back into His arms.

We were not promised easy, we were not promised a life without pain or trials, the opposite is actually true. But He promised He'd be with us. If you can stop, for even a second in the swirling chaos and listen, you'll hear Him, you will know that He is ever present and faithful. He will deliver you, He will not leave you. He will be strong for you. He will comfort, protect and provide for you.

I stood in the middle of Arches National Park (a place you MUST go if you can!) with large rock formations surrounding me on every side. On my way to Colorado to visit friends, I made the ridiculously long drive by myself on purpose. I wanted time to hear Him, to pray and share my heart with the One who created it. I wanted space and quiet and beauty and didn't really want to share it with anyone but Jesus. And truth be told, I wanted to be able to pee whenever I wanted and sing along with N'Sync at the top of my lungs without bothering another human.

I was so overwhelmed by the beauty of the park, I almost forgot to stop and listen to the One who created it. I came down a steep rock pathway and looked up at the daunting structure in front of me and said, "God, what do you want to say to me?" And He spoke the words of Psalm 18 to my heart, "I will make your feet like the feet of a deer, and cause you to stand on heights. With Me, you can scale a wall. Who is God besides me and who is the Rock except our God? As for Me, My way is perfect, my word is flawless." And His words like fresh water in a dry and weary land refreshed and strengthened me and reminded me that He was, indeed, with me.

It took three days but I finally reached my destination, the home of dear friends who offered me a place of Refuge for the week, opening their hearts and their home to me. On my bed was a red envelope, actual mail! My sweet friend had sent me mail all the way in Colorado! She wrote beautiful words from her own heart, words of love and affirmation and on the backside wrote these verses;

  "As for God, his way is perfect: the Lord's word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in Him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he causes me to stand on heights." 2 Samuel 22:31-34

And more laughter and joy and awareness of His presence, His faithfulness and goodness towards me.  And though my flesh and my heart may fail as for my God, my Rock and my Refuge...His way is perfect.

Sometimes Goliath Kicks the S#*t out of David...

We love the stories of triumphant underdog, the overcomers, defeating giants, the unexpected victory. Those are the stories we tell, the ones we make into movies and books. To be honest, they're the ones I want to hear, read about or watch in a film. I want those stories because in real life, well, in real life, "sometimes Goliath kicks the shit out of David, it's just nobody ever bothers to tell that story". That's actually a line from one of my favorite, and very insightful ;) movies "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton" (you never know where you're going to find wisdom!) We know that in the fleeting vapor that is this life, good doesn't always triumph, the underdog often remains in their lowly position and some people never overcome.

There are other stories in the Bible, less popular for sure. Stories of extreme heartache and loss. Stories of God's faithful servants devastated and left to doubt all that they were sure of. What happens when God doesn't show up? When He doesn't rescue you or come through? Why aren't we telling those stories?

Is He still God? Still good? Still present? Sovereign? When He leads you into heartache, can you still trust Him? Can you be sure you heard Him in the first place or that He even speaks to you? There are hard questions that need to be asked. Questions that, if we're honest, might never be answered.

Sometimes the questions are all we have. Some we think we know the answers to and we wait in hope that our hearts will soon believe what our minds are convinced of. Some, I'm sure, we'll never find the answers to. Can we find encouragement and hope when there is no obvious victory? Can we trust a God we don't understand?

One of the things God commands repeatedly in His Word is "to remember". The reason I think He wants us to remember is that, if we do, carefully scan our memories, we will remember obvious times of victory, times where our prayers were answered exactly as we prayed them, sometimes miraculously. In remembering those times we might be able to muster up enough faith to make it through the times when God seems absent or cruel. Because if God is unchanging, then His faithfulness then is the same today, I just may not have the ability to perceive it. And when I doubt His goodness, I either have to doubt everything the Bible says or I have to put aside that doubt because if I question one area of biblical thought, I have to question them all. So if I believe that God is merciful and forgives my sins, I have to believe that He is good and acts out of love always, because that's what the Bible says. In remembering, I can move forward. Remembering God's past faithfulness helps me to believe in His present and future faithfulness, even if I can't discern it at the time.

Sometimes, Goliath wins. It's not the ending we want, and maybe it doesn't make any sense but it doesn't change who God is. We are faced with this truth, one that I am daily trying to grasp; Our hope is not in the ways of our God (which we may pretend to understand) but in God Himself. May we hope in our God in and through all things, who is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Oh, give thanks to the LORD!
Call upon His name;
Make known His deeds among the peoples!

Sing to Him, sing psalms to Him;
Talk of all His wonderous works!

Glory in His holy name;
Let the hearts of those rejoice who seek the LORD!

Seek the LORD and His strength;
Seek His face evermore!

Remember His marvelous works which He has done,
His wonders, and the judgments of His mouth,

O seed of Israel His servant,
You children of Jacob, His chosen ones!

He is the LORD our God;
His judgments are in all the earth.

Remember His covenant forever,
The word which He commanded, for a thousand generations...

1 Chronicles 16:8-15

Perfect Love Casts Out Fear

I just finished a six week inner healing prayer ministry. It was incredibly difficult, exhausting, sometimes deeply sad and yet life-giving, healing, and hopeful at the same time. Each week I sent out prayer requests to a few friends whom I had asked to pray for me through the process. As I shared what the Lord was revealing to me and how he was leading me to pray I was met with many responses of gratefulness for my vulnerability, it turned out that many others had the same struggles, questions and fears that I did.

There are some dark thoughts in my head at times, some places of my heart that I am sure if people knew they would not love and accept me, their perception of me would change completely.

But then, slowly, as I unveil these places I find with surprising joy that many others feel the same way. I don't have to live in fear of rejection or embarrassment and when I choose not to and share those places of my heart not only do I move into greater freedom but it enables others to as well.

Below is the last email I sent out before the end of my time in this ministry. It was scary to write these things down and press send. If I hadn't I would have still believed I was the only one, if I hadn't I wouldn't have opened up the opportunity for healing in my heart and the heart's of others. So I decided to not only press "send" but to press "publish" as well, and send this out into the deep void where I am sure, at least one other person will say, "me too".

Hi friends,

Well, it's officially my last week with Abor Springs prayer ministry. Home stretch! I know the work has just begun and therefore would love for you to continue praying through things with me even after this process is over.

I have been really challenged in the last couple of weeks regarding my perception of God and the events in my life. Do I really believe God is good and that His intentions towards me are good? I have also been challenged in my own devotion to the Lord, He has asked me to choose Him above all else and to choose Him no matter what and I have been wrestling with this the last few weeks as I've prayed over relationships, chronic pain and other things that easily lead me to a place of mistrust and depression.

My prayer is that I will dig deep, that I will be "deep earth" if you will, that I will trust God when everything seems against me and that I will praise Him and love Him in all circumstances. That I will allow Him to work instead of striving in my own flesh. And I think most of all that I will believe that He loves me in all circumstances.

My other prayer is how I relate to others, I have been praying to find my validation in the Lord so that as I know I am loved I am free to love others unconditionally. That I will take what people say and do at face value and trust them and most importantly trust the Lord.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." 1 John 4:18

Following The Rules- My Messy Beautiful

I used to think life had a formula, x+y= success. So if I could just figure out what x and y were, I'd have everything I wanted and live a pain free and joy filled life. I don't know if you've ever taken Algebra, but solving for x and y seems to be an endless and impossible task!

I began thinking this way after my first major heartbreak. You know that first love that absolutely takes over your world? You are elated and terrified all at the same time because you've never been so happy and you're afraid of what will happen if that feeling goes away. And then, it does. And when heartbreak comes we have two choices; we can sit in our pain, feel it to the depths of our soul and slowly allow healing to come or we can close ourselves off from feeling at all, making sure we never feel pain again, or anything else for that matter. The choice I made was the latter. I built up a strong fortress around myself so that no one else could hurt me. I came up with a list of rules for any potential suitors, rules that were impossible, rules that were never meant for human relationship, rules that would lead to my next heartbreak...

I followed the rules and my world came crashing down. And through the wreckage I began to see that life in it's most beautiful state is messy and unorganized and not at all what I expected.

I followed my rules to an engagement. An engagement to the wrong person. Unfortunately, one of my rules was that you could not break off an engagement. In breaking my rules I learned about true grace. I learned that it's ok to be flawed and messy. I learned to sit in my pain, in my confusion and doubt and wait for the crashing waves to grow smaller and smaller and finally recede. I learned to love and be loved. I learned to forgive. I learned to be ok with unanswered questions and that I didn't have to have all the answers.

I wanted to be pleasing to God and to others and so I defined that role myself. But at the end of the day all God wants from me is me. He wants my messy, overly critical, insecure, too quick to speak self. He doesn't want me to clean myself up, that's His job. He doesn't want perfection, He doesn't need it and knows it's not possible. And at the end of the day others don't want my perfection either. They want to see my humanity. They want to know that they aren't the only ones who struggle, who fail over and over again, who doubt, who hurt and hurt others. They want me to be human with them.

And isn't it what we all want at our core? To be known and loved anyways. To be seen for your true self and still thought that you're beautiful? To be able to reveal the ugliest parts of your soul and still be embraced? It's in this place that I find my messy beautiful.

Even though you might not see it...

"Even though you might not see my life changing what you are doing is changing me. Just to know that someone cares enough to come out here for us, nobody does that, not even our own families."

It's not a word for word quote but it's as close as I can remember. I've met N several times before and we always have a good connection with her. She told us last night that she'd been out there three years and that we had been with her all those years. She was grateful.

N is addicted to drugs and alcohol. She has given up everything to feed her addiction. She feeds her addiction so she can stay in the game. She is scared, desperate and heart broken. She knows the Lord and cries out to Him. She was in tears almost immediately and asked us to pray for her. She knew facing the truth was hard and our presence was causing her to do that but she wasn't afraid, she was comforted, because God called her worthy, beloved and was relentlessly pursuing her. And in that moment I'm reminded of the same truth, and comforted with her.

I don't know if N will ever be completely free this side of heaven. I pray that she will and won't give up hope but honestly, I don't know. But I do believe she'll be in heaven with me. If anyone grasps the gospel, it's N. She knows that she is undeserving and ensnared by sin. She knows that the only way she can stand in the presence of God is through Jesus, that she herself has nothing to offer. This, is the message of the gospel. And it's slow and sometimes unseen but the Lord is working, drawing her in and changing her heart.

It's easy to grow tired and weary, to focus on our own circumstances and want to give up and then we run into N and others like her and I'm reminded how incredibly privileged we are to do what we do. To walk the same streets week after week, to be the one to celebrate with God's beloved, to mourn with God's beloved. God intertwines each of our lives with many others and every relationship is an incredible gift. Some take longer than others to form and require more effort but all of them are a gift.

As you go through your days, look for God in the midst of your interactions with others. He is there, longing to reveal Himself to you. He's there in the extraordinary and the ordinary. He's there in the darkness and the light. He's there in times of faith and times of doubt. Everything around you will change, but God's love and pursuit of you will always remain. Even though you might not see it, He is there.

Sometimes I forget

I remember the first time I met her, she was standing in front of a church on a track where she was being prostituted. Her belly was round and swollen with life. We connected instantly and over the next couple of months we would meet up over a meal or in the middle of the track.

This was her fourth pregnancy, her three children were in the system with little hope for reunification. Now in her seventh month of pregnancy fear and doubt and intense heartache began to set in and take over. How could she give another child away? What hope did she have of keeping this child? If she did what kind of life would she be providing?

She lived her days in fear and loneliness. Her pimp was controlling and violent and she had no one. She was alone. We were standing right in front of her, offering her friendship and unconditional love and yet she believed she was alone. Imagine trying to trust someone when everyone you know has used you for their own gain, has abused you and discarded you. Imagine trying to hope it would be better this time when it always seems to be getting worse, when it IS getting worse.

We know it's a lie, "it will be easier this way", "you're doing the right thing, to have this child would be selfish". We know because we are on the outside looking in or perhaps we are looking back on a choice already made. We know that it will not be easier to abort than to adopt, we know that we will never be able to talk ourselves into believing that we didn't take the life of our own child. But in that moment, when your world is caving in and the enemy is screaming in your ear and you have no one...you believe the lie.

We begged and pleaded with her, offering to adopt the child ourselves, whatever it would take, we were there and wanted to help her choose life. She made the appointment anyways.

The next time I heard from her, her words were barely recognizable. Taken over by grief she called me and through wrenching sobs told me she had made the wrong choice. She was devastated because she now saw, she now felt, she now lived the truth of the lies she had believed.

I heard from her once or twice in the next couple of weeks and then she disappeared. Her number was no longer connected, I had no way of finding her. For the next four years I prayed for her, that she would heal, that she would find freedom, that she was alive... This woman that God had brought into my life, who I loved, who he loved. Sometimes I forget or my view gets clouded...there are so many women with similar stories and I can't see what God is doing and I wonder if He's really there and if He cares or is able and then on nights like this one, He reminds me.

It had been four years since I had seen her... she approached with two other women, looked me in the eye and said "do you remember me?" I knew her face immediately but didn't quite place her so I asked her name. She said her name, the name I had been praying for, grieving for, believing for... We hugged for a long time and rejoiced together at our reunion. I told her how I had been praying for her, how thankful I was that she was alive. She told me that she'd had a son since I last saw her, he's one now.

I sensed that she still felt very alone yet I was reminded in the moment of the sweetness of God, the relentlessness of God...four years!! And He was here, with her, with me... He was whispering "I love you and I am always faithful". I prayed these truths over her and reminded her that she was not alone, that I loved her, that God loved her.

I share this story for a few reasons; first, because perspective changes everything. I believe in the sanctity of life, meaning I believe every life created by God is valuable and beautiful and I believe that it is His to give and take life. However, on some level, after walking through this woman's abortion with her I can say "I get it". I get why it is easier to believe the lie and I get why people sometimes make the choices they do. God granted me the ability to feel the fear and heartache with her, He granted me compassion and empathy much as I believe He felt for her. I know His heart was broken at the choice that she made, at the life that was lost, but I also believe His heart was broken with her's, He was in the midst of her hellish circumstances, grieving with her as well as for her. And the point is, He loves her. No matter what choices she has made, He loves her with a steadfast love and goes to great lengths to prove it. Maybe it's not as simple as "pro-choice" or "pro-life" maybe, like so many other things it's a heart issue, it's about believing God rather than about right or wrong. It's about overcoming terrible atrocities with life-giving love. I know it's hard to see God in the midst of death and destruction but perhaps that's where He is most present. So in saying I believe in the sanctity of life I am not saying that I stand in opposition to those who choose otherwise, I am saying I am willing to stand with them in their fear, in their loneliness, in their doubt, hoping that they will feel a little less alone, that they will see Jesus standing with them, offering them hope where there seems to be no way out... just, as I hope, they will stand with me.

That leads me to my second point, God is faithfully pursuing His own. That night there were 25 of us on the streets and I was the one who walked up to her. A face she knew, one that had loved her without judgment, without condition. In a world where she was sure she was alone, Jesus reminded her that she wasn't. Jesus reminded me. We are never really alone because God is with us, I believe that. But I think He often shows up for us through others. He gives us ridiculous amounts of love for the unloveable (you and me) and pours out his grace and mercy and love through us onto one another. Seeing her again was a beautiful and bittersweet gift. Overwhelmed with the knowledge that she was alive, with the evidence of God's love for her, for me and yet deeply saddened to find her in almost the exact same place where we first met my heart was grieved and elated at the same time. Through many tears I related this story back to my team at the end of the night and several people said they saw Jesus through me. I am sure that they did, because this was His doing. This is His heart.


"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord...If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends...The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." Romans 8:38,39, 1 Corinthians 13:1-8, Zephaniah 3:17