What do you do when your dreams are crushed?

I want to answer that question, but the truth is, I'm only asking it because I'm watching as my dreams slip away. I'm not trying to be dramatic and I know things can be a lot worse, but comparing losses gets us nowhere. A dream crushed is a dream crushed and all of them matter.

I like to say things like "The process is just as important as the outcome" and "God must have something better". But today, my heart doesn't agree with my head. Today, my heart hurts and is confused and even a little bit angry.

I'm in the middle of a sabbatical and that's an incredible gift. It's also really hard. No one tells you how hard it will be. How lonely you will feel, how when the novelty and adventure wear off you will begin to doubt your worth and value or purpose in this world. How when you have stepped away from the work you are so passionate about and all the other areas of your life fall apart you feel so so empty. They don't tell you that part. Or how some will doubt you, and your intentions with this time, and how they'll tell you that on the same day that you get the news that devastates you. Not in the brochure...

I want to say that I am sure that God has a bigger and better plan. I want to say that all this will work for good. I want to say that I trust God and I'm not afraid. But I don't wholeheartedly believe any of that today. I believe it a little and I hope I will believe it more and I hope that it will all turn out to be true. But today, I got on my knees and wept and cried out to God. "So many dreams have been taken, so now what? I need you to show up. I need to know that you see me and hear me and care about this. I believe that you love me but sometimes I have to cling a little to much to past evidence and really wish I had a win for today."

Rejection and loss are hard to face. And maybe they don't define us but they are definitely land markers in our story. We try and we work and seek God and pray and plan and sometimes we are still left with nothing. Or at least, what feels like nothing in this moment. So, I don't know. I really don't know what the answer is. I think that you just stumble around in the dark until you hopefully find a light switch or maybe even just a flashlight. I think that you fall on your face and cry and tell God how much it hurts and how confused you are. I think you wait for the Lord but get up and keep going at the same time. I think you trust that he's good while maybe changing your opinion of what that means. 

God IS good. He is with us. I know he's with me. I know that when my heart hurts his does too. And honestly, that's about all I know right now. It's enough though, it's enough to take the next step. It's enough to wake up and start again tomorrow. It's enough to draw me to my knees and keep coming to Jesus, just to know that he's there.

If you feel the same today, if you just can't make sense of what's happening and feel empty-handed, you aren't alone. I hope that God's presence with you will be enough. I hope that you will draw near and pour out your heart, he loves when we come to him. I hope that you will be comforted and encouraged. You, are not alone. And I hope that we'll both be able to dream again.. even if it's just one little flicker of a flame that ignites, may it be enough to draw us out in hope for the good things that will come just as surely as the heartache.

Looking for the light with you,
Jen

"I always pray as if this one thing is true: God is for us. And it's worthwhile to keep knocking. That's all I know about faith for sure" Sarah Bessey

God With Us...

That's it. That's the one thing. There are a lot of questions without answers. Questions that we desperately want answers to. And I've wrestled and I've searched and I've wept and sometimes even laughed, wanting only to have an answer.

And here's what I know. It's really hard to make sense out of most things. Karma doesn't exist. There isn't always a why or even a greater purpose. We as human beings experience incredible amounts of tragedy in our lifetime and some of it, most of it, doesn't make any sense. And it hurts. It hurts so much that sometimes we can barely breathe or get out of bed or smile at the person next to us. And all that I know is that Jesus hurts too. But he doesn't hurt from a distance, he hurts here with us. Jesus is Immanuel, God with us. The world is broken and fallen and Jesus' heart is broken with ours. And we don't have to endure it alone and we aren't without hope. Because of the brokenness Jesus came and took on death that we might live with him forever. Because our hearts would break too, Jesus came in the flesh to feel with us, to weep with us, to comfort and care for us in the darkest places so that we could hope in his presence now and into eternity. And he's there in the elated joy too, the times we feel so happy and free, he rejoices with us and hopes with us.

It feels safer to have answers. If there's a reason why, it might make the suffering worth it. But if we're honest, most of the time, there is no reason why. I hope that doesn't make you hurt even more but I hope that you see that God, the creator of all that is, in whose image you were made, loves you so much that he came and lived among us and took on flesh, to comfort you, to reconcile you, to restore you, to show you compassion and weep with you. You will never be alone. You will always be loved, always understood, always seen. Some things are clear and obviously purposeful, some things are made purposeful by our loving God, the world is not without purpose and meaning but when the answers aren't clear we can cling to what is...God is with us. And if you're like me and that's a hard thing for you to remember, when the pain is overwhelming and the questions and doubts are mounting, you might just want to tattoo it on your arm...

ps. major props to my tattoo artist Gabriel who was perfectly zen and yet so excited about this major moment in my life and said, and I quote, "time will stop when you're in that chair..." I'd get another tattoo just to hangout with that guy again ;)

Quiet Miracles

Sometimes the miracle is a quiet one.


We are quick to recognize cancer healed, relationships restored, rain in a seemingly endless drought as miracles. When something we never expected and had lost the ability to hope for happens we easily proclaim the miraculous. 

But then there are the quiet, everyday, "small" miracles that we might miss if we don't know to look for them. 

How many of us upon reading the story of the birth of Christ, skim over it because we know how it goes and it's the same story we read last year, right? And really what's so remarkable about a baby born in a barn?

I was reading Matthew chapter one today and literally breezed right over the words, "for he will save his people from their sins". Yea, yea, we all know... and my eyes wander over the words again. There is no greater miracle. And yet, he came quietly, in a stable, unnoticed and unremarkable.

And I have to wonder how many quiet miracles I miss everyday?

God would you help us see the miracle in the seemingly small and insignificant, in the mundane, in those we pass by without second thought, in our work, our loved ones, our places of doubt and fear, where there is joy and contentment, from the darkest to the lightest places, help us to see. Amen.


"And she will bring forth a Son, and you shall call His name JESUS, for He will save His people from their sins.So all this was done that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the Lord through the prophet, saying:'Behold, the virgin shall be with child, and bear a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel,' which is translated, 'God with us.'"

His Way is Perfect

Remember that month where you suffered a loss in relationship, your roommate had emergency surgery, your car broke down, your sister fell and wound up in the ER, your stepmom lost her job, you lost your wallet only to find it later with everything missing including your Golden Spoon stamp card (are there no decent people left in the world??!), BOTH your Grandma's were in the hospital, you drove to Colorado for rest and refuge but had to pull off the highway because the first snow of the year came hard in the middle of your drive and because your wallet was stolen you had no way to pay for your hotel room and had to call your Dad? Yea...

We've all had months like this, where NOTHING seems to go our way. Some are much harder than this, and some seem to last all year. We live in a broken and fallen world. We are broken people. We take on too much and can't keep up. We carry the burdens of others sometimes forgetting ourselves. We stumble and fall and make bad choices. And confusion and heartache seem to reign.

And then... the miracle. NOTHING changes. But God. Immanuel, God with us. Somewhere in the chaos and crying out you hear Him, that still, small voice "I am with you". Somewhere in the blinding, blur you see Him, wide arms ready to embrace you. Joy, trust, peace, even laughter take over your heart, your mind, and you fall back into His arms.

We were not promised easy, we were not promised a life without pain or trials, the opposite is actually true. But He promised He'd be with us. If you can stop, for even a second in the swirling chaos and listen, you'll hear Him, you will know that He is ever present and faithful. He will deliver you, He will not leave you. He will be strong for you. He will comfort, protect and provide for you.

I stood in the middle of Arches National Park (a place you MUST go if you can!) with large rock formations surrounding me on every side. On my way to Colorado to visit friends, I made the ridiculously long drive by myself on purpose. I wanted time to hear Him, to pray and share my heart with the One who created it. I wanted space and quiet and beauty and didn't really want to share it with anyone but Jesus. And truth be told, I wanted to be able to pee whenever I wanted and sing along with N'Sync at the top of my lungs without bothering another human.

I was so overwhelmed by the beauty of the park, I almost forgot to stop and listen to the One who created it. I came down a steep rock pathway and looked up at the daunting structure in front of me and said, "God, what do you want to say to me?" And He spoke the words of Psalm 18 to my heart, "I will make your feet like the feet of a deer, and cause you to stand on heights. With Me, you can scale a wall. Who is God besides me and who is the Rock except our God? As for Me, My way is perfect, my word is flawless." And His words like fresh water in a dry and weary land refreshed and strengthened me and reminded me that He was, indeed, with me.

It took three days but I finally reached my destination, the home of dear friends who offered me a place of Refuge for the week, opening their hearts and their home to me. On my bed was a red envelope, actual mail! My sweet friend had sent me mail all the way in Colorado! She wrote beautiful words from her own heart, words of love and affirmation and on the backside wrote these verses;

  "As for God, his way is perfect: the Lord's word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in Him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he causes me to stand on heights." 2 Samuel 22:31-34

And more laughter and joy and awareness of His presence, His faithfulness and goodness towards me.  And though my flesh and my heart may fail as for my God, my Rock and my Refuge...His way is perfect.