Why Hasn't She Left?

There have been a handful of occasions in my years on the street where I'm listening to the story of a woman and wishing I could record her words because she is saying EVERYTHING I want people to know about the realities of the Game and prostitution. Last weekend we met S and I found myself in the same position.

S recently left her pimp and has a three old daughter. She is still working to support herself and her child and many of us would wonder why? If she is free of her violent and controlling pimp why can't she get off the street? As her story unfolds it carries all of the potential roadblocks and triggers that lead someone into this life and keep them there.

Somewhere along the way she mentioned foster care, my heart sank. Not that I didn't suspect it, but sometimes I find myself hoping it won't be so consistent. The abandonment and rejection, the constantly being left and discarded. A child is given no tools to care for themselves and they have nowhere to turn, nowhere that they belong.

In a search for belonging she finds her pimp, who is often her boyfriend. He meets the need for belonging even if it's the worst kind. If she ever gains a moment of clarity and realizes that he has been using her for his own gain (just as surely as many of her foster families did) he has made it so that she has little to no chance to survive on her own.

He took her ID. That's ok, it's not hard to get a new one. She's been arrested. He kept her from her court dates. With warrants for her arrest that she couldn't avoid she cannot get a new drivers license, a job, a place to live...

He told her that she was worthless. He told her no one would believe her, they would put her in jail instead. He told her he would kill her. Others have disappeared before.

She left him because she has a daughter, a daughter who she grieves for and simultaneously dares to dream for. Grieving because of the years that have already been given over to something less than, grieving because what if she can't get out? What if she can't move on? What if she tries to and they take her daughter away? But dreaming, dreaming of a what it would be like to give her daughter a future that she herself never had a chance to know. Dreaming of being home when her daughter comes home from school, to tuck her in at a night and hold her when she has a bad dream.

The fear is almost paralyzing. The unknowns insurmountable. The road before her is long and hard and there is no way to make it easy. But she sees with more clarity than ever before, anything is better than this. Anything is better than wondering if you are going to survive another night, if you will be robbed or raped or killed. Anything is better than someone telling you they love you and turning around and selling you to anyone and everyone.

You can hear this story and feel overwhelmed and defeated, sometimes I do. But you can also hear this and with gratitude and hope in your heart, lean into the pain and dare to dream with her. It will cost you too. I don't know what, we're all called in different ways. It might cost you in empathy, or time. It might cost you financially or in dashed dreams, and the cost may not outweigh the results in this lifetime. You and she and I are in this together, whether we see it or not, my freedom and healing are wrapped up in hers and vice versa.

I don't know how you'll respond to this story, but I pray that you'll hear it. I pray that you will see the realities faced by men and women caught in this life are in no way simple or easy to overcome. That the pain and loss is beyond measure. At the same time I pray that you will hope with me for a restoration that only God can bring, for a miraculous redemption of what was lost, sold and given away, for a heart that willingly bears the burdens of others knowing that we are in this thing called humanity together and together with God, we find hope and healing.

"Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He saved them out of their distresses. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and broke their chains in pieces." 

Psalm 107:13,14

For more information on this ministry check out www.afterhoursministry.org

Sometimes I forget

I remember the first time I met her, she was standing in front of a church on a track where she was being prostituted. Her belly was round and swollen with life. We connected instantly and over the next couple of months we would meet up over a meal or in the middle of the track.

This was her fourth pregnancy, her three children were in the system with little hope for reunification. Now in her seventh month of pregnancy fear and doubt and intense heartache began to set in and take over. How could she give another child away? What hope did she have of keeping this child? If she did what kind of life would she be providing?

She lived her days in fear and loneliness. Her pimp was controlling and violent and she had no one. She was alone. We were standing right in front of her, offering her friendship and unconditional love and yet she believed she was alone. Imagine trying to trust someone when everyone you know has used you for their own gain, has abused you and discarded you. Imagine trying to hope it would be better this time when it always seems to be getting worse, when it IS getting worse.

We know it's a lie, "it will be easier this way", "you're doing the right thing, to have this child would be selfish". We know because we are on the outside looking in or perhaps we are looking back on a choice already made. We know that it will not be easier to abort than to adopt, we know that we will never be able to talk ourselves into believing that we didn't take the life of our own child. But in that moment, when your world is caving in and the enemy is screaming in your ear and you have no one...you believe the lie.

We begged and pleaded with her, offering to adopt the child ourselves, whatever it would take, we were there and wanted to help her choose life. She made the appointment anyways.

The next time I heard from her, her words were barely recognizable. Taken over by grief she called me and through wrenching sobs told me she had made the wrong choice. She was devastated because she now saw, she now felt, she now lived the truth of the lies she had believed.

I heard from her once or twice in the next couple of weeks and then she disappeared. Her number was no longer connected, I had no way of finding her. For the next four years I prayed for her, that she would heal, that she would find freedom, that she was alive... This woman that God had brought into my life, who I loved, who he loved. Sometimes I forget or my view gets clouded...there are so many women with similar stories and I can't see what God is doing and I wonder if He's really there and if He cares or is able and then on nights like this one, He reminds me.

It had been four years since I had seen her... she approached with two other women, looked me in the eye and said "do you remember me?" I knew her face immediately but didn't quite place her so I asked her name. She said her name, the name I had been praying for, grieving for, believing for... We hugged for a long time and rejoiced together at our reunion. I told her how I had been praying for her, how thankful I was that she was alive. She told me that she'd had a son since I last saw her, he's one now.

I sensed that she still felt very alone yet I was reminded in the moment of the sweetness of God, the relentlessness of God...four years!! And He was here, with her, with me... He was whispering "I love you and I am always faithful". I prayed these truths over her and reminded her that she was not alone, that I loved her, that God loved her.

I share this story for a few reasons; first, because perspective changes everything. I believe in the sanctity of life, meaning I believe every life created by God is valuable and beautiful and I believe that it is His to give and take life. However, on some level, after walking through this woman's abortion with her I can say "I get it". I get why it is easier to believe the lie and I get why people sometimes make the choices they do. God granted me the ability to feel the fear and heartache with her, He granted me compassion and empathy much as I believe He felt for her. I know His heart was broken at the choice that she made, at the life that was lost, but I also believe His heart was broken with her's, He was in the midst of her hellish circumstances, grieving with her as well as for her. And the point is, He loves her. No matter what choices she has made, He loves her with a steadfast love and goes to great lengths to prove it. Maybe it's not as simple as "pro-choice" or "pro-life" maybe, like so many other things it's a heart issue, it's about believing God rather than about right or wrong. It's about overcoming terrible atrocities with life-giving love. I know it's hard to see God in the midst of death and destruction but perhaps that's where He is most present. So in saying I believe in the sanctity of life I am not saying that I stand in opposition to those who choose otherwise, I am saying I am willing to stand with them in their fear, in their loneliness, in their doubt, hoping that they will feel a little less alone, that they will see Jesus standing with them, offering them hope where there seems to be no way out... just, as I hope, they will stand with me.

That leads me to my second point, God is faithfully pursuing His own. That night there were 25 of us on the streets and I was the one who walked up to her. A face she knew, one that had loved her without judgment, without condition. In a world where she was sure she was alone, Jesus reminded her that she wasn't. Jesus reminded me. We are never really alone because God is with us, I believe that. But I think He often shows up for us through others. He gives us ridiculous amounts of love for the unloveable (you and me) and pours out his grace and mercy and love through us onto one another. Seeing her again was a beautiful and bittersweet gift. Overwhelmed with the knowledge that she was alive, with the evidence of God's love for her, for me and yet deeply saddened to find her in almost the exact same place where we first met my heart was grieved and elated at the same time. Through many tears I related this story back to my team at the end of the night and several people said they saw Jesus through me. I am sure that they did, because this was His doing. This is His heart.


"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord...If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends...The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." Romans 8:38,39, 1 Corinthians 13:1-8, Zephaniah 3:17

Redefining Success

I've started to write this post at least a dozen times. I feel like it's something I'm constantly faced with in this ministry. I also feel like no one else (save my teammates and those in similar ministries) will understand and so I struggle to put down in words what is so evident to my heart and mind but likely foreign to the rest of the world (ok, maybe not the WHOLE world!).

We are often asked what our success rate is in ministry. I think that means "how many people have been saved and are now radically living for Jesus, off the streets and walking in abundant life?"
To which I would reply "maybe one or two...". Then I start working on my resume and filling out job applications because apparently I'm just wasting everyone's time and need to do something else with my life, something "successful".

But God has changed my perspective and now my reply is different... now I say, "we have redefined success and we have new successes everyday." I didn't just come up with that to make all of us feel better about spending our time, money and talents on this ministry, but because I actually believe it.

As I write this my heart is grieving the choice a young woman made earlier today to leave the safe house we had brought her to and go.... well, I don't actually know where she went, but I would guess back to her pimp. She called just last night and we picked her up and took her to a safe place for the night. This morning the battle was intense and I honestly believe that she wanted to choose life but she just wasn't quite ready. And you, like me, may be really tempted to be discouraged by that story but we shouldn't be. We should see it as a great success that she held onto our number and called when she wanted help, that she took a step of faith even if it was small, that she saw that there are people who care and are willing to sacrifice to help her choose life...when she's ready.

So for us success looks like a young woman taking one of our gift bags, telling us part of her story, letting us pray for her, or calling us when she needs help. Last week I asked one of the women if what we were doing was a blessing to her. Not because I wanted her to give me a pat on the back but because I have no intention of wasting my time or hers, if we need to change how we are reaching out, I want to know. Her response was powerful. She said, "Sure it's just a gift bag and that's not what we really need, but everytime you come out here and give us one, we know that someone cares about us and that means a lot. No one cares about us, prostitutes die all the time and no one cares." And so maybe that's what success looks like, proving to someone who feels abandoned and rejected that someone actually cares and that that's not going to change.

We would love to see these women coming to Christ and leaving the streets in droves and perhaps we will someday, but for now, we have redefined success and we praise God for His faithfulness in each and every one of them. It is His work, done by His Spirit, in His time. Maybe success looks like us being faithful when we don't see the results we expect.

"Happy is he who has the God of Jacob for his help, Whose hope is in the LORD his God, Who made heaven and earth, The sea, and all that is in them; Who keeps truth forever, Who executes justice for the oppressed, Who gives food to the hungry. The LORD gives freedom to the prisoners.The LORD opens the eyes of the blind; The LORD raises those who are bowed down; The LORD loves the righteous. The LORD watches over the strangers; He relieves the fatherless and widow; But the way of the wicked He turns upside down. The LORD shall reign forever--Your God, O Zion, to all generations. Praise the LORD!" Psalm 146:5-10


*Would you keep praying for D, the young woman we were able to minister to these last 24 hours? She has tasted and seen....pray that she will return and receive life!

"Don't give up on us."

"Don't give up on us!" Those words hurriedly exclaimed as we walked away from M several weeks ago impacted me so much that I actually wrote them down next to her name where I take weekly notes. When we approached her tonight she was walking away from us, we called after her and when she realized who we were she walked towards us almost as if she couldn't help herself,  as if she was being drawn in.

"I remember you, you prayed with me and everything began to change," she said as tears filled her eyes. She began to tell us the steps she had made towards getting out of the Game for good and how she hadn't been out in weeks until tonight... She asked that we pray for her, that this truly would be her last night. We offered to take her with us but she said it wasn't safe then because her pimp was watching her and would come after her.

We exchanged numbers and assured her that we willing to be a part of the process with her as she continued to make steps towards freedom. She left us with the same plea as last time, "please keep praying and...don't give up on us."

Those five words are so simple yet so powerful. How many times in a day do I want to give up?
It would be embarrassing to say, but the truth is sometimes the battle seems too great and I feel so small. And then I think about how often I say those same words to God, "don't give up on me.I know I'm making the same mistakes over and over, I know I'm putting my trust in worldly things, I know I'm choosing my way over yours.... but please, don't give up on me." And He doesn't. He remains steadfast, immoveable. He loves without condition. He pursues relentlessly, He corrects with gentleness again and again. He comforts me. Teaches me. Waits patiently for me. He never gives up.

And though I look at the women we meet on Friday nights; the circumstances they find themselves in, the lies they have believed, the overwhelming destruction and sense of hopelessness and in my flesh I want to give up, by the power of God's Spirit I am able to press on and love as I ought to love...as my Savior has loved me.  And when I am overwhelmed and it looks like evil is winning and the battle rages on... I remember my Savior, the One who has overcome the grave, the One who has conquered sin and death, the One who is alive, the One who has made a way and desires that none should perish but that all should have everlasting life. I remember that it is He who is fighting this battle, it is He who sets the captives free, it is He who makes beauty from ashes.

I know that you who are reading this are in the midst of a battle too (whether you know it or not is a subject for another blog) and sometimes you feel like you will never overcome and you simply want to give up. Don't. But DO, run to the one who HAS overcome, run to Him and rest in Him. He has called you to this place, in this time, for His purposes. He will carry you through to victory which you already have in Him. In those moments when you feel like you're not enough (be assured that you aren't) trust in the one who is, who lives in you and loves through you.

And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. 1 John 4:16

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

"Don't give up on us." M, a young woman enslaved to prostitution and seeking freedom

A Story of Hope

December 13th, 2011

Graham crackers and frosting, it's one of my favorite snacks. I was happily partaking in this delicious treat on my lunch break when a call came in from an unknown number. Like most of you I'm always hesitant to answer unknown calls but considering our ministry, I always do.

God's timing is perfect. Any other time of day and I would have been busy engaging a classroom full of teens and preteens hoping to maintain sanity for just one more day. But it was lunchtime (did iI mention that? I really like food :) ) and I was ready as ever for what would come next.

The voice on the other end was unsure and quiet, "is this a helpline?" "Yes!" I replied as I quickly swallowed a mouth full of graham crackers. " I want out of this life and I heard you can help, I'm ready to go today."

And ready she was. M had packed a few belongings and snuck away while her pimp was out. As soon as she was safe she called me. I gave her a number to call for a safe house and called the woman who runs it to let her know she should expect a call. Within 2 hours she had been picked up and was being taken to safety.

As she waited we talked more and she told me pieces of her story. She has a daughter who just turned five and lives with her Grandmother. M told me of how she grieved missing yet another birthday, another Thanksgiving and that this would be the last.

She had been with her pimp for 3 years and had tried to leave before, running to a friend or a local motel, he always found her and with threats of violence or manipulation she returned with him. Not this time, this time she would go where he couldn't find her and where she could start fresh. This morning had been the last straw, after years of abuse physically and emotionally, he threatened her with a gun this morning. She could have continued hiding in terror but somehow found the strength to run, to run towards freedom and...hope.

Hope is hard to come by in the life. All you've even known is a life of worthlessness and abuse, you have little skills or education, those closest to you have betrayed you. Hope is the greatest need for with even a glimmer of hope comes the possibility of a greater life.

In the middle of our conversation she said, "I've talked to you before, my number was different then." I immediately knew who she was, a young woman we'd been praying for the last several months and had lost contact with. I couldn't believe it was really her, I had feared the worst when we lost contact, knowing how dangerous her pimp was and here she was, not just alive but taking a step toward true life, the life God had intended for her.

We stayed on the line until just before the rescue team got there. Later she called me from her new home, her voice still quiet but this time rather than fear, there was a sense of peace maybe even... a sense of hope. She left a message thanking me and assuring me I would hear from her in the coming days.

The coming days...they will be some of the most difficult for M. She will have to face all the pain and suffering of the last several years, unable to numb it with the false affections of others. Her greatest fears may be how she will survive outside of the life or how anyone will ever truly love or accept her.
She won't do it alone, not that she ever was. Jesus has pursued her thus far, He has made a way for her today and ultimately made a way for her by His death on the cross, that she might be eternally loved and accepted by her very Creator. She is His beloved, may that truth take deep root in her heart and be the driving force of her life.

Thank you for praying for M and the countless others who share her story.