What do you do when your dreams are crushed?

I want to answer that question, but the truth is, I'm only asking it because I'm watching as my dreams slip away. I'm not trying to be dramatic and I know things can be a lot worse, but comparing losses gets us nowhere. A dream crushed is a dream crushed and all of them matter.

I like to say things like "The process is just as important as the outcome" and "God must have something better". But today, my heart doesn't agree with my head. Today, my heart hurts and is confused and even a little bit angry.

I'm in the middle of a sabbatical and that's an incredible gift. It's also really hard. No one tells you how hard it will be. How lonely you will feel, how when the novelty and adventure wear off you will begin to doubt your worth and value or purpose in this world. How when you have stepped away from the work you are so passionate about and all the other areas of your life fall apart you feel so so empty. They don't tell you that part. Or how some will doubt you, and your intentions with this time, and how they'll tell you that on the same day that you get the news that devastates you. Not in the brochure...

I want to say that I am sure that God has a bigger and better plan. I want to say that all this will work for good. I want to say that I trust God and I'm not afraid. But I don't wholeheartedly believe any of that today. I believe it a little and I hope I will believe it more and I hope that it will all turn out to be true. But today, I got on my knees and wept and cried out to God. "So many dreams have been taken, so now what? I need you to show up. I need to know that you see me and hear me and care about this. I believe that you love me but sometimes I have to cling a little to much to past evidence and really wish I had a win for today."

Rejection and loss are hard to face. And maybe they don't define us but they are definitely land markers in our story. We try and we work and seek God and pray and plan and sometimes we are still left with nothing. Or at least, what feels like nothing in this moment. So, I don't know. I really don't know what the answer is. I think that you just stumble around in the dark until you hopefully find a light switch or maybe even just a flashlight. I think that you fall on your face and cry and tell God how much it hurts and how confused you are. I think you wait for the Lord but get up and keep going at the same time. I think you trust that he's good while maybe changing your opinion of what that means. 

God IS good. He is with us. I know he's with me. I know that when my heart hurts his does too. And honestly, that's about all I know right now. It's enough though, it's enough to take the next step. It's enough to wake up and start again tomorrow. It's enough to draw me to my knees and keep coming to Jesus, just to know that he's there.

If you feel the same today, if you just can't make sense of what's happening and feel empty-handed, you aren't alone. I hope that God's presence with you will be enough. I hope that you will draw near and pour out your heart, he loves when we come to him. I hope that you will be comforted and encouraged. You, are not alone. And I hope that we'll both be able to dream again.. even if it's just one little flicker of a flame that ignites, may it be enough to draw us out in hope for the good things that will come just as surely as the heartache.

Looking for the light with you,
Jen

"I always pray as if this one thing is true: God is for us. And it's worthwhile to keep knocking. That's all I know about faith for sure" Sarah Bessey

My Love/Hate relationship with Social Media

Social media is pretty amazing and has changed our world in many ways. We get the news before the news gets the news, we can know the thoughts of just about anyone at almost any given moment, we can keep in touch with friends on other continents almost in real time and the list goes on...

There are a lot of reasons I don't like social media. The two main reasons are it highlights my insecurities and makes my brain a little crazy and it often causes me to feel negative feelings towards others as their thoughts, opinions and experiences are expressed aside from their actual selves and a genuine life context. I don't like feeling insecure and judgy so sometimes I'm not a huge fan of social media. 

BUT, that's not why I'm writing this blog post. One of the reasons I DO like social media is it gives an opportunity for our voices to be heard. And at this point in history we need to speak up and take advantage of the fact that we can easily be heard. When I hear people (especially those in power) say that we should turn on an entire group of people based on their religion (race, gender, etc.) as we have heard in the last few days I think about the opportunity we have to stand up for those groups of people. 

Today there are people spreading hate and inciting fear against entire groups of people. Most notably Muslims. I hope that we will make our voices heard when we say "I stand with Muslims". Our neighbors, our fellow humans created by God and thereby given infinite value and worth.

Today people are fearful and turning their fear into hatred of others. Fear is blinding and when we give into it we easily forget who we are and what is really valuable. But I hope our voices will be heard when we say "Perfect love casts out all fear". Because love is greater and more powerful than fear. Love heals, love frees and love gives sacrificially.

Today people are closing their borders and their hearts to millions of displaced refugees, to those fleeing from the violence we are suspicious of them for. I hope they will hear us when we say "our home is your home". Everything we have is a gift and we have no greater right to safety and freedom than any other human being. I hope that those seeking a place where they and their children will be safe or at least have a chance to survive, will find shelter with us.

I hope the voices of unity, love, safety and freedom will be louder than those of hate, division, violence and oppression. I am a Christian and I long to love like Christ. It's costly and difficult and often I fail, but I hope that as I speak and act people will hear the voice of Jesus as he says, "let them know you by your love...bless those who persecute you...love your enemies...love your neighbor as yourself...greater love has no one than this than to lay down one's life for his friends." 

So thanks social media, for letting my voice be heard today. 

Vulnerability

"Vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage" Brene Brown

God has called me into great vulnerabiltiy over the last couple of years, I have had this "vulnerability hangover" that author Brene Brown mentions, on more occasions than not. I have felt raw and exposed and anything but brave. One definition I found of brave was; Ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage. I have been given the opportunity (doesn't that word make it sound a lot more fun??) to face pain and even danger on multiple occasions in the last few years. One of the most incredible things about each of these situations was that in facing what I feared most and often finding that my fears were in fact founded, I also made it through. The things I feared the most didn't kill me or destroy me and in facing my fears, in sitting in that place of pain and doubt and looking for God's presence in the midst of it, I most often found healing.

 I think if we knew what we were asking for when we asked for healing, we might hesitate. We think healing will come as God floods our life with joy and answered prayers that will make up for all we have lost or feel we are lacking. And in a sense, it will, but most often the joy comes as we realize His presence in the midst of our suffering and questions, as the psalmist says, "in His presence is the fullness of joy", fewer things draw us into God's presence more than our desperate need for him in times of suffering. I absolutely believe God works through our vulnerability. As we open ourselves to God and others we are able to be changed, to grow, to heal, to ask hard questions, to dream, to hope, to live. We learn that we belong to one another, that we are seen and heard and loved in the truest version of ourselves.

One more thing I want to say is how grateful I am for those who have helped me live into this. Those who have listened as I've shared my thoughts in ways that are disjointed and often confusing. Who have sat with me as I've cried. Your presence in my life is invaluable and is what allows me to be courageous. With all my heart, thank you. May each of us be a safe place for others to show how courageous they are.

Why Hasn't She Left?

There have been a handful of occasions in my years on the street where I'm listening to the story of a woman and wishing I could record her words because she is saying EVERYTHING I want people to know about the realities of the Game and prostitution. Last weekend we met S and I found myself in the same position.

S recently left her pimp and has a three old daughter. She is still working to support herself and her child and many of us would wonder why? If she is free of her violent and controlling pimp why can't she get off the street? As her story unfolds it carries all of the potential roadblocks and triggers that lead someone into this life and keep them there.

Somewhere along the way she mentioned foster care, my heart sank. Not that I didn't suspect it, but sometimes I find myself hoping it won't be so consistent. The abandonment and rejection, the constantly being left and discarded. A child is given no tools to care for themselves and they have nowhere to turn, nowhere that they belong.

In a search for belonging she finds her pimp, who is often her boyfriend. He meets the need for belonging even if it's the worst kind. If she ever gains a moment of clarity and realizes that he has been using her for his own gain (just as surely as many of her foster families did) he has made it so that she has little to no chance to survive on her own.

He took her ID. That's ok, it's not hard to get a new one. She's been arrested. He kept her from her court dates. With warrants for her arrest that she couldn't avoid she cannot get a new drivers license, a job, a place to live...

He told her that she was worthless. He told her no one would believe her, they would put her in jail instead. He told her he would kill her. Others have disappeared before.

She left him because she has a daughter, a daughter who she grieves for and simultaneously dares to dream for. Grieving because of the years that have already been given over to something less than, grieving because what if she can't get out? What if she can't move on? What if she tries to and they take her daughter away? But dreaming, dreaming of a what it would be like to give her daughter a future that she herself never had a chance to know. Dreaming of being home when her daughter comes home from school, to tuck her in at a night and hold her when she has a bad dream.

The fear is almost paralyzing. The unknowns insurmountable. The road before her is long and hard and there is no way to make it easy. But she sees with more clarity than ever before, anything is better than this. Anything is better than wondering if you are going to survive another night, if you will be robbed or raped or killed. Anything is better than someone telling you they love you and turning around and selling you to anyone and everyone.

You can hear this story and feel overwhelmed and defeated, sometimes I do. But you can also hear this and with gratitude and hope in your heart, lean into the pain and dare to dream with her. It will cost you too. I don't know what, we're all called in different ways. It might cost you in empathy, or time. It might cost you financially or in dashed dreams, and the cost may not outweigh the results in this lifetime. You and she and I are in this together, whether we see it or not, my freedom and healing are wrapped up in hers and vice versa.

I don't know how you'll respond to this story, but I pray that you'll hear it. I pray that you will see the realities faced by men and women caught in this life are in no way simple or easy to overcome. That the pain and loss is beyond measure. At the same time I pray that you will hope with me for a restoration that only God can bring, for a miraculous redemption of what was lost, sold and given away, for a heart that willingly bears the burdens of others knowing that we are in this thing called humanity together and together with God, we find hope and healing.

"Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He saved them out of their distresses. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and broke their chains in pieces." 

Psalm 107:13,14

For more information on this ministry check out www.afterhoursministry.org

Quiet Miracles

Sometimes the miracle is a quiet one.


We are quick to recognize cancer healed, relationships restored, rain in a seemingly endless drought as miracles. When something we never expected and had lost the ability to hope for happens we easily proclaim the miraculous. 

But then there are the quiet, everyday, "small" miracles that we might miss if we don't know to look for them. 

How many of us upon reading the story of the birth of Christ, skim over it because we know how it goes and it's the same story we read last year, right? And really what's so remarkable about a baby born in a barn?

I was reading Matthew chapter one today and literally breezed right over the words, "for he will save his people from their sins". Yea, yea, we all know... and my eyes wander over the words again. There is no greater miracle. And yet, he came quietly, in a stable, unnoticed and unremarkable.

And I have to wonder how many quiet miracles I miss everyday?

God would you help us see the miracle in the seemingly small and insignificant, in the mundane, in those we pass by without second thought, in our work, our loved ones, our places of doubt and fear, where there is joy and contentment, from the darkest to the lightest places, help us to see. Amen.


"And she will bring forth a Son, and you shall call His name JESUS, for He will save His people from their sins.So all this was done that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the Lord through the prophet, saying:'Behold, the virgin shall be with child, and bear a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel,' which is translated, 'God with us.'"

Perfect Love Casts Out Fear

I just finished a six week inner healing prayer ministry. It was incredibly difficult, exhausting, sometimes deeply sad and yet life-giving, healing, and hopeful at the same time. Each week I sent out prayer requests to a few friends whom I had asked to pray for me through the process. As I shared what the Lord was revealing to me and how he was leading me to pray I was met with many responses of gratefulness for my vulnerability, it turned out that many others had the same struggles, questions and fears that I did.

There are some dark thoughts in my head at times, some places of my heart that I am sure if people knew they would not love and accept me, their perception of me would change completely.

But then, slowly, as I unveil these places I find with surprising joy that many others feel the same way. I don't have to live in fear of rejection or embarrassment and when I choose not to and share those places of my heart not only do I move into greater freedom but it enables others to as well.

Below is the last email I sent out before the end of my time in this ministry. It was scary to write these things down and press send. If I hadn't I would have still believed I was the only one, if I hadn't I wouldn't have opened up the opportunity for healing in my heart and the heart's of others. So I decided to not only press "send" but to press "publish" as well, and send this out into the deep void where I am sure, at least one other person will say, "me too".

Hi friends,

Well, it's officially my last week with Abor Springs prayer ministry. Home stretch! I know the work has just begun and therefore would love for you to continue praying through things with me even after this process is over.

I have been really challenged in the last couple of weeks regarding my perception of God and the events in my life. Do I really believe God is good and that His intentions towards me are good? I have also been challenged in my own devotion to the Lord, He has asked me to choose Him above all else and to choose Him no matter what and I have been wrestling with this the last few weeks as I've prayed over relationships, chronic pain and other things that easily lead me to a place of mistrust and depression.

My prayer is that I will dig deep, that I will be "deep earth" if you will, that I will trust God when everything seems against me and that I will praise Him and love Him in all circumstances. That I will allow Him to work instead of striving in my own flesh. And I think most of all that I will believe that He loves me in all circumstances.

My other prayer is how I relate to others, I have been praying to find my validation in the Lord so that as I know I am loved I am free to love others unconditionally. That I will take what people say and do at face value and trust them and most importantly trust the Lord.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." 1 John 4:18

Sometimes I forget

I remember the first time I met her, she was standing in front of a church on a track where she was being prostituted. Her belly was round and swollen with life. We connected instantly and over the next couple of months we would meet up over a meal or in the middle of the track.

This was her fourth pregnancy, her three children were in the system with little hope for reunification. Now in her seventh month of pregnancy fear and doubt and intense heartache began to set in and take over. How could she give another child away? What hope did she have of keeping this child? If she did what kind of life would she be providing?

She lived her days in fear and loneliness. Her pimp was controlling and violent and she had no one. She was alone. We were standing right in front of her, offering her friendship and unconditional love and yet she believed she was alone. Imagine trying to trust someone when everyone you know has used you for their own gain, has abused you and discarded you. Imagine trying to hope it would be better this time when it always seems to be getting worse, when it IS getting worse.

We know it's a lie, "it will be easier this way", "you're doing the right thing, to have this child would be selfish". We know because we are on the outside looking in or perhaps we are looking back on a choice already made. We know that it will not be easier to abort than to adopt, we know that we will never be able to talk ourselves into believing that we didn't take the life of our own child. But in that moment, when your world is caving in and the enemy is screaming in your ear and you have no one...you believe the lie.

We begged and pleaded with her, offering to adopt the child ourselves, whatever it would take, we were there and wanted to help her choose life. She made the appointment anyways.

The next time I heard from her, her words were barely recognizable. Taken over by grief she called me and through wrenching sobs told me she had made the wrong choice. She was devastated because she now saw, she now felt, she now lived the truth of the lies she had believed.

I heard from her once or twice in the next couple of weeks and then she disappeared. Her number was no longer connected, I had no way of finding her. For the next four years I prayed for her, that she would heal, that she would find freedom, that she was alive... This woman that God had brought into my life, who I loved, who he loved. Sometimes I forget or my view gets clouded...there are so many women with similar stories and I can't see what God is doing and I wonder if He's really there and if He cares or is able and then on nights like this one, He reminds me.

It had been four years since I had seen her... she approached with two other women, looked me in the eye and said "do you remember me?" I knew her face immediately but didn't quite place her so I asked her name. She said her name, the name I had been praying for, grieving for, believing for... We hugged for a long time and rejoiced together at our reunion. I told her how I had been praying for her, how thankful I was that she was alive. She told me that she'd had a son since I last saw her, he's one now.

I sensed that she still felt very alone yet I was reminded in the moment of the sweetness of God, the relentlessness of God...four years!! And He was here, with her, with me... He was whispering "I love you and I am always faithful". I prayed these truths over her and reminded her that she was not alone, that I loved her, that God loved her.

I share this story for a few reasons; first, because perspective changes everything. I believe in the sanctity of life, meaning I believe every life created by God is valuable and beautiful and I believe that it is His to give and take life. However, on some level, after walking through this woman's abortion with her I can say "I get it". I get why it is easier to believe the lie and I get why people sometimes make the choices they do. God granted me the ability to feel the fear and heartache with her, He granted me compassion and empathy much as I believe He felt for her. I know His heart was broken at the choice that she made, at the life that was lost, but I also believe His heart was broken with her's, He was in the midst of her hellish circumstances, grieving with her as well as for her. And the point is, He loves her. No matter what choices she has made, He loves her with a steadfast love and goes to great lengths to prove it. Maybe it's not as simple as "pro-choice" or "pro-life" maybe, like so many other things it's a heart issue, it's about believing God rather than about right or wrong. It's about overcoming terrible atrocities with life-giving love. I know it's hard to see God in the midst of death and destruction but perhaps that's where He is most present. So in saying I believe in the sanctity of life I am not saying that I stand in opposition to those who choose otherwise, I am saying I am willing to stand with them in their fear, in their loneliness, in their doubt, hoping that they will feel a little less alone, that they will see Jesus standing with them, offering them hope where there seems to be no way out... just, as I hope, they will stand with me.

That leads me to my second point, God is faithfully pursuing His own. That night there were 25 of us on the streets and I was the one who walked up to her. A face she knew, one that had loved her without judgment, without condition. In a world where she was sure she was alone, Jesus reminded her that she wasn't. Jesus reminded me. We are never really alone because God is with us, I believe that. But I think He often shows up for us through others. He gives us ridiculous amounts of love for the unloveable (you and me) and pours out his grace and mercy and love through us onto one another. Seeing her again was a beautiful and bittersweet gift. Overwhelmed with the knowledge that she was alive, with the evidence of God's love for her, for me and yet deeply saddened to find her in almost the exact same place where we first met my heart was grieved and elated at the same time. Through many tears I related this story back to my team at the end of the night and several people said they saw Jesus through me. I am sure that they did, because this was His doing. This is His heart.


"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord...If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends...The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." Romans 8:38,39, 1 Corinthians 13:1-8, Zephaniah 3:17

A Story of Hope

December 13th, 2011

Graham crackers and frosting, it's one of my favorite snacks. I was happily partaking in this delicious treat on my lunch break when a call came in from an unknown number. Like most of you I'm always hesitant to answer unknown calls but considering our ministry, I always do.

God's timing is perfect. Any other time of day and I would have been busy engaging a classroom full of teens and preteens hoping to maintain sanity for just one more day. But it was lunchtime (did iI mention that? I really like food :) ) and I was ready as ever for what would come next.

The voice on the other end was unsure and quiet, "is this a helpline?" "Yes!" I replied as I quickly swallowed a mouth full of graham crackers. " I want out of this life and I heard you can help, I'm ready to go today."

And ready she was. M had packed a few belongings and snuck away while her pimp was out. As soon as she was safe she called me. I gave her a number to call for a safe house and called the woman who runs it to let her know she should expect a call. Within 2 hours she had been picked up and was being taken to safety.

As she waited we talked more and she told me pieces of her story. She has a daughter who just turned five and lives with her Grandmother. M told me of how she grieved missing yet another birthday, another Thanksgiving and that this would be the last.

She had been with her pimp for 3 years and had tried to leave before, running to a friend or a local motel, he always found her and with threats of violence or manipulation she returned with him. Not this time, this time she would go where he couldn't find her and where she could start fresh. This morning had been the last straw, after years of abuse physically and emotionally, he threatened her with a gun this morning. She could have continued hiding in terror but somehow found the strength to run, to run towards freedom and...hope.

Hope is hard to come by in the life. All you've even known is a life of worthlessness and abuse, you have little skills or education, those closest to you have betrayed you. Hope is the greatest need for with even a glimmer of hope comes the possibility of a greater life.

In the middle of our conversation she said, "I've talked to you before, my number was different then." I immediately knew who she was, a young woman we'd been praying for the last several months and had lost contact with. I couldn't believe it was really her, I had feared the worst when we lost contact, knowing how dangerous her pimp was and here she was, not just alive but taking a step toward true life, the life God had intended for her.

We stayed on the line until just before the rescue team got there. Later she called me from her new home, her voice still quiet but this time rather than fear, there was a sense of peace maybe even... a sense of hope. She left a message thanking me and assuring me I would hear from her in the coming days.

The coming days...they will be some of the most difficult for M. She will have to face all the pain and suffering of the last several years, unable to numb it with the false affections of others. Her greatest fears may be how she will survive outside of the life or how anyone will ever truly love or accept her.
She won't do it alone, not that she ever was. Jesus has pursued her thus far, He has made a way for her today and ultimately made a way for her by His death on the cross, that she might be eternally loved and accepted by her very Creator. She is His beloved, may that truth take deep root in her heart and be the driving force of her life.

Thank you for praying for M and the countless others who share her story.