Letting Go of the Timeline

I remember thinking 25 was old. By 25 my life would be settled and all of my plans would have taken shape or at least be in process. Then I turned 25. I felt like I might as well have been 15, I felt like I was only just beginning to discover who I was and none of the things I had planned for 25 had actually happened. Then 30 came and I was in almost the same situation. By this time I knew more of who I was and what I wanted but still felt really far off from the timeline.

Let me give you a glimpse of this proposed timeline that I came up with somewhere in my youth and childhood (where like Julie Andrews, I'm sure I did something good). I was going to go to a four year college and major in the sciences in preparation for medical school. After graduation I would head straight to med school and finish my residency by 29. I would marry at 30 and have my first child at 31. Guys, it was a pretty good plan if you ask me. But NONE of that happened.

My plan didn't come to pass not because I'm not smart enough for med school or desirable enough for marriage. I'm not even completely sure of the "whys" but what I've learned is that when I base my life on timelines I find myself swept up in anxiety, regret, and hopelessness. I find that I am always waiting for the next thing instead of finding joy in the moment. And so many of these unplanned and unforeseen moments have brought with them incredible joy and life and hope.

My desires haven't changed much; I still hope for marriage and family and think I'd be an amazing wife and mom (guys, I'm so much fun and love people something fierce), I'm currently preparing for nursing school because I am still fascinated by medicine and love caring for others. Those core desires  really haven't changed much but their expression has followed a very different path than I'd imagined and all my timelines have been left in the dust.

Following Jesus has been a greater adventure than I ever could have dreamed. We can make our plans but ultimately we are seeking his plans and many times they differ from ours. I have had experiences I never could have dreamed for myself. I have been a part of people's lives in ways I couldn't have imagined. I have experienced heartbreaks and disappointments that I would not have put in the plan. Through all the twists and turns one thing I am more certain of is that God has been with me. I am more sure of a loving Creator, Father and Friend than ever and as I continue to let go of the "shoulds" and "what ifs" and cling to Jesus I find more joy and hope than I could have imagined.

My story is incredible and beautiful, messy and painful, purposeful and far different than I had planned. So I keep looking to the one who shaped my heart to shape my future and let go of expectations and timelines. I find myself purposing to take joy in what is instead of what isn't (I admit I suck at this, but some things you just have to keep choosing over and over) and I find rest knowing that God is with me, that his plans are good and that he loves me.
What have you been holding onto? Are there things that you are waiting for that are keeping you from enjoying and flourishing in what already is?

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven...He has made everything beautiful in its time" Ecclesiastes 3:1,11

One Thousand Gifts

"Eucharist (thanksgiving) is the state of the perfect man. Eucharist is the life of paradise. Eucharist is the only full and real response of man to God's creation, redemption and the gift of heaven." 'He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me, and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God.' Psalm 50:23 Eucharisteo, thanksgiving, envelopes the Greek word for grace, charis. But it also holds its derivative, the Greek word chara, meaning "joy"...so then as long as thanks is possible...joy is always possible. Eucharisteo-thanksgiving-always precedes the miracle."

I'm really loving this book (One Thousand Gifts). It is the culmination of a message the Lord has been speaking, perhaps shouting, to my heart over the last several months, "the fullness of life is found in thanksgiving". 

In response to this message I have started my own list of 1,000 gifts, 1,000 blessings and reasons to give thanks. From the sunset to a cup of tea, to a gentle breeze, I'm purposing to take notice of God's grace in the midst of my day. 

Part two...

In reading further, I discovered the author asking me to enter in with her to the hard practice of offering thanks when our hearts are broken, when we are frustrated and scared, when we don't understand the ways of our Father. Because after all, if God is gracious, is he not gracious in that which brings me, great joy as well as that which wrings my heart in agony? 
So my list is growing faster because I'm not only thankful for sunsets and snuggles but I'm choosing to be thankful for uncertainty, anxiety, disappointment. I'm choosing to rejoice always as the Scriptures tell us to trusting that as Isaiah 64 says, He will meet me there. And isn't that the fullness of joy? His presence. 

The Girl in the Grey Pants

 "But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine." Isaiah 43:1

I never saw her...I only heard the description quickly pronounced by one of my teammates as we passed her by. Those words hung in the air...was that all she was?  A girl without a name described by a generic article of clothing.

I don't know her story but I could guess at some of the details. Fatherless, abandoned, abused, broken- hearted, numb from the years of pain, living life simply to survive one day to the next.

I don't know her name or even the image of her face but I know God's thoughts towards her. I know that He knows the exact number of hairs on her head, that he has kept every tear of hers in a bottle. I know that He knit her together in her mother's womb with good works planned for her even before the foundations of the earth. I know that He created her with a purpose, to give her a hope and a future.

I know to the very depths of who I am that these things are true but does she? Will she live her life merely to survive this earth never knowing her Creator?

Week after week I'm haunted by the reality of this girl, not just her but all those that she represents.
Yet at the same time I'm hopeful, hopeful because God has done for me what He longs to do for each of them...for all of us. He has given me value, He has given me hope, He has redeemed me and pulled me out of my sin and brokenness into abundant life with Him.

As we drove home last night one of my teammates and I discussed the night's events... we didn't remember a lot of details. Not many girls received us though most of them took a gift bag, between the two of us we didn't have any real conversations or pray with anyone (though others on the team did). But my teammate had her mind set on things above as she said to me, "I can't wait to get to heaven and see all that God has done. All the hearts that were changed because of a simple gift bag or the kindness of a stranger. All the seeds that God will harvest from these nights we have spent on the street."


Perhaps we'll meet the girl in the grey pants there...maybe the first time we learn her name it will be the new name God has given her in heaven.


"And let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9