What do you do when your dreams are crushed?

I want to answer that question, but the truth is, I'm only asking it because I'm watching as my dreams slip away. I'm not trying to be dramatic and I know things can be a lot worse, but comparing losses gets us nowhere. A dream crushed is a dream crushed and all of them matter.

I like to say things like "The process is just as important as the outcome" and "God must have something better". But today, my heart doesn't agree with my head. Today, my heart hurts and is confused and even a little bit angry.

I'm in the middle of a sabbatical and that's an incredible gift. It's also really hard. No one tells you how hard it will be. How lonely you will feel, how when the novelty and adventure wear off you will begin to doubt your worth and value or purpose in this world. How when you have stepped away from the work you are so passionate about and all the other areas of your life fall apart you feel so so empty. They don't tell you that part. Or how some will doubt you, and your intentions with this time, and how they'll tell you that on the same day that you get the news that devastates you. Not in the brochure...

I want to say that I am sure that God has a bigger and better plan. I want to say that all this will work for good. I want to say that I trust God and I'm not afraid. But I don't wholeheartedly believe any of that today. I believe it a little and I hope I will believe it more and I hope that it will all turn out to be true. But today, I got on my knees and wept and cried out to God. "So many dreams have been taken, so now what? I need you to show up. I need to know that you see me and hear me and care about this. I believe that you love me but sometimes I have to cling a little to much to past evidence and really wish I had a win for today."

Rejection and loss are hard to face. And maybe they don't define us but they are definitely land markers in our story. We try and we work and seek God and pray and plan and sometimes we are still left with nothing. Or at least, what feels like nothing in this moment. So, I don't know. I really don't know what the answer is. I think that you just stumble around in the dark until you hopefully find a light switch or maybe even just a flashlight. I think that you fall on your face and cry and tell God how much it hurts and how confused you are. I think you wait for the Lord but get up and keep going at the same time. I think you trust that he's good while maybe changing your opinion of what that means. 

God IS good. He is with us. I know he's with me. I know that when my heart hurts his does too. And honestly, that's about all I know right now. It's enough though, it's enough to take the next step. It's enough to wake up and start again tomorrow. It's enough to draw me to my knees and keep coming to Jesus, just to know that he's there.

If you feel the same today, if you just can't make sense of what's happening and feel empty-handed, you aren't alone. I hope that God's presence with you will be enough. I hope that you will draw near and pour out your heart, he loves when we come to him. I hope that you will be comforted and encouraged. You, are not alone. And I hope that we'll both be able to dream again.. even if it's just one little flicker of a flame that ignites, may it be enough to draw us out in hope for the good things that will come just as surely as the heartache.

Looking for the light with you,
Jen

"I always pray as if this one thing is true: God is for us. And it's worthwhile to keep knocking. That's all I know about faith for sure" Sarah Bessey

My Love/Hate relationship with Social Media

Social media is pretty amazing and has changed our world in many ways. We get the news before the news gets the news, we can know the thoughts of just about anyone at almost any given moment, we can keep in touch with friends on other continents almost in real time and the list goes on...

There are a lot of reasons I don't like social media. The two main reasons are it highlights my insecurities and makes my brain a little crazy and it often causes me to feel negative feelings towards others as their thoughts, opinions and experiences are expressed aside from their actual selves and a genuine life context. I don't like feeling insecure and judgy so sometimes I'm not a huge fan of social media. 

BUT, that's not why I'm writing this blog post. One of the reasons I DO like social media is it gives an opportunity for our voices to be heard. And at this point in history we need to speak up and take advantage of the fact that we can easily be heard. When I hear people (especially those in power) say that we should turn on an entire group of people based on their religion (race, gender, etc.) as we have heard in the last few days I think about the opportunity we have to stand up for those groups of people. 

Today there are people spreading hate and inciting fear against entire groups of people. Most notably Muslims. I hope that we will make our voices heard when we say "I stand with Muslims". Our neighbors, our fellow humans created by God and thereby given infinite value and worth.

Today people are fearful and turning their fear into hatred of others. Fear is blinding and when we give into it we easily forget who we are and what is really valuable. But I hope our voices will be heard when we say "Perfect love casts out all fear". Because love is greater and more powerful than fear. Love heals, love frees and love gives sacrificially.

Today people are closing their borders and their hearts to millions of displaced refugees, to those fleeing from the violence we are suspicious of them for. I hope they will hear us when we say "our home is your home". Everything we have is a gift and we have no greater right to safety and freedom than any other human being. I hope that those seeking a place where they and their children will be safe or at least have a chance to survive, will find shelter with us.

I hope the voices of unity, love, safety and freedom will be louder than those of hate, division, violence and oppression. I am a Christian and I long to love like Christ. It's costly and difficult and often I fail, but I hope that as I speak and act people will hear the voice of Jesus as he says, "let them know you by your love...bless those who persecute you...love your enemies...love your neighbor as yourself...greater love has no one than this than to lay down one's life for his friends." 

So thanks social media, for letting my voice be heard today. 

Vocabulary Matters

There is a way of thinking which sometimes comes down to a simple word choice, that is widespread in the church that grieves me. It's subtle and sounds so close to the truth it's easy to buy into it. But once you do, it will change everything. What seems like a harmless, at worst, half truth can change how we relate to God and others completely.

Ready for it? Here it is.

You, are not worthy.

Because grace is free and we are sinners saved by grace through faith...how can we possibly be worthy?

We are well-meaning. We say "I am unworthy of God's love, of his grace, of forgiveness."
But there is a problem with our vocabulary and it matters.

We are worthy and the price paid for us by our Savior screams that at us. Are we deserving? No. But worthy? Your worth could not be placed at a higher value.

How do we know what something is worth? One of the best ways I've understood this idea is this; the computer you're reading this on probably cost you around $1,000 because it was worth it to you to pay that much. What we are willing to pay for something defines it's worth.

So, how worthy are you? God, who created the heavens and the earth, who is all powerful, all knowing, who is love, who is just and holy... gave his only Son for you. Your worth is of infinite value,  and of the greatest cost.

What I deserve and what I am worth are two different conversations with the same happy ending, because of Jesus.

As someone who has personally struggled with knowing my worth and value I'm hopeful that we'll  change our vocabulary. That one word, misused, can send a message that is crippling in our relationship to God and others. We must know that we are worthy because God has made us so. Only then can we be free to respond to the love and forgiveness offered to us from God himself and from others.

If you want to say you are undeserving of God's love and forgiveness because you can't somehow do something to deserve it, by all means. But NEVER, have you been, unworthy. The God who loves you and created you has ascribed the highest worth to you by laying down his life for yours.


"Since you were precious in My sight; you have been honored and I have loved you, therefore I will give men for you and people for your life." Isaiah 43:4

The Deeper Idol

"One of the signs that an object is functioning as an idol is that fear becomes one of the chief characteristics of life. When we center our lives on the idol, we become dependent on it. If our counterfeit god is threatened in any way, our response is complete panic." Timothy Keller, Counterfeit Gods

You never know what is at the center of your heart until you risk losing it. And you think you know, at least you know what should be there, until you face a great loss. But the one who should be at the center, could never be lost.

The temptation will always be there, to allow something mortal, temporary and completely unable to fill the void in that space. All of us are tempted in different ways and perhaps in all of them throughout different seasons. We try to fill it without even knowing it. We believe that love, money, power or success can give us what we so desperately need; to feel whole, loved, and accepted.
There is One who can fill that space, who can fill our whole being to overflowing if we'll but clear the way.

Clearing the way is often painful. It involves digging up deep rooted idols. But we will never know how fully we could be filled until we allow for this. We will never be able to properly appreciate all that we have until we put it in its proper place. We can actually love more completely when we ourselves are filled with God's love but He has to be given His proper place in order to do this. No person or thing can fill you and attempting to let them only places a pressure on them that they will never be able to bear.

Our expectations were created to be met by God. God who is whole, pure, holy, righteous, love. No person or thing can ever be all those things perfectly and they were not meant to be. This is the place that God is meant to occupy. I wish that I could have seen without having to experience great loss, that my hands had been open, that my grip had been loose on it's own. But I clung to that which I believed would meet my needs, the need to feel validated, appreciated, seen.  The struggle won't go away, it will be a lifelong process but hopefully we learn to cling more and more to that which can truly satisfy, what our hearts long for.


 God in His kindness, looses the deeper idols of our hearts to fill them with Himself. We are reminded like Hagar, abandoned by all she had placed her hope in, that God, "El Roi" is the God who sees us. He hears us, rescues us, loves us completely. And it's not that relationships and things are not good, but they are not meant to be possessed or to possess us and can only be truly appreciated when they are seen as gifts from the one who can complete us. His to give and His, in sovereign goodness, to take away.

He is the one thing. The one that we are searching for. His presence, His love, mercy and grace can never be taken from us and so rightly ought to occupy the first place in our hearts.

I'm still learning this, like literally, at this moment. Actually, though I've heard teachings on it and read about it many times before, this is the first time I really get it. I think I cognitively understood it before but now my heart is resonating and I actually feel the empty space, the temptation to fill it with a myriad of things and the incredible and persistent drawing of the Lord to press in and give him his rightful place in my heart. There is more to behold, more of my heart to be cleared and more to be possessed by Him.

"Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God's love for them." Jonah 2:8
May we, with open hands, turn our hearts towards His love.

Nothing I can do... A Total Eclipse of the Heart

I keep watching this clip from Grey's Anatomy over and over. I'm so taken in by it. It's no secret that I'm a hopeless romantic. I love rom coms, happy endings,singing for no reason, fairy tales and all the works of Jane Austen of course. The idea of a love so powerful it takes over and you can't stop yourself from potentially ruining your life just so you can express it. I would HATE for this actual scene to happen to me, and the truth is, I'm sure it's going to end horribly. But the idea of a love so great you are willing to fight for it no matter the cost, I love that idea. I love how brave this man is and sometimes I wish we were all a little more brave. That we were less worried about getting hurt or what others thought of us and that we could just love others. It will cost us to love and they might not love us back but that doesn't make loving someone any less worth while. We all long for this kind of love and I know that in real life love is more about someone holding your hair back while you vomit and picking up your dirty socks but there's got to be room for just laying our hearts on the line and loving people without our self imposed boundaries. I'm sure that life isn't a fairy tale,but I have to believe that there are moments where love is greater than any other force and overcomes everything to be realized, or...not. I don't even really know what I'm saying, I just LOVE this scene!

My Grandma

My Grandma's name is Ruth. She is everything a Ruth should be, strong, firm in her faith, yielded to the Holy Spirit, brave and committed to those she loves.

One of my favorite stories about my Grandma is how she met my Grandpa. Even the way she tells it is magical. She was at a youth event at Griffith Park in Los Angeles as was my Grandfather. When she saw his incredible height as he emerged from the youth van she asked, "what's the weather like up there?" He was instantly taken in by her and they spent the rest of the afternoon as she says "riding around and around on the carousel". At the end of the day my Grandma invited my Grandpa to a Halloween party at her house...one that she had not actually planned on having but in a moment of quick thinking decided she needed to have so she could see him again. The rest, as they say, is history.

While my Grandma is obviously quite the smooth operator what she is at her core is a woman who loves God with all that she is and desires for everyone to have that same relationship with Him. When I was growing up I would get Bibles and Christian books from my Grandma every Christmas and every Christmas I would add them to the stack in my closet never to be touched. I wanted Barbies and clothes and was kind of annoyed at receiving yet another Bible. But late in my teen years I came to know the Lord and fell in love with Him and remembered all those books and Bibles stacked up in my closet. I devoured them. I know for a fact that my Grandma had been praying for me all of those years and that she still does. Every time she gave me a new book she was praying and also sacrificing. She was sacrificing being the "cool" Grandma for the hope that I would know my Savior. She knew that the most important thing in the world was that I know and love Jesus, more important than my loving her.

I long to be like my grandma in so many ways, witty and charming, creative, selfless and faithful. She is the whole package!

Is This Really The Goal?

Is this really the goal?

This blog post is a response to this article about modesty which was published in World Magazine. You should start by reading the article first, then my thoughts below. 

I have to believe that the heart of the woman writing this article is one of love but sadly I think she completely misses the point in addressing the issue of modesty.  In her final words of the article she admonishes Christian women to “modesty” and to teach the younger women to do likewise. Her goal: “to deter sin”. “So even though women and teenage girls can show little or no flesh and still be the object of lust, Christian women should do their part, even in this age of political correctness, to deter sin by dressing modestly and encouraging their younger sisters in Christ to do likewise.” 

The longer I walk with Jesus the more I realize that sin deterrence is a man-made goal that is accomplished most often in our own flesh. I’m also mindful of how sad and hopeless life would be if “sin deterrence” were the goal.

There are so many important aspects of this article that miss the mark or are simply ignored.

First, we cannot make modesty a women’s issue only…it’s NOT! Men need to be challenged in the same way unless all the women of the world would like to stand up right now and say they’ve never been attracted to a shirtless man…oh, no one wants to stand up? If we’re going to talk about modesty we have to address both genders.

Second, the author says this statement which I can hardly fathom she would believe if she actually knew any teenage girls, “While it’s true that teenage girls are well aware of their power of attractiveness…” Do you know what teenage girls are aware of? How inadequate they are and always will be. Trust me, even the most beautiful girls in the world are still thinking they are not enough. What if we spent our time teaching young women about their infinite value and worth and who they are in Christ rather than all the things they are not to do or be?

Third, how about we be excited that these young women (and I’m assuming men too) are out doing healthy activities with other kids who are trying to make good choices rather than critique their every move? One thing that’s sure to drive the youth out of our churches is coming to them with a heart of judgment. I’m assuming you didn’t come to Christ perfect because then what would be your need for him and if that’s true than you have issues too, they might just not be so obvious.

Lastly, let’s not let those these “short-shorted girls” may have “caused” to stumble off so easily. We all make our choices; we choose what we look at and how we look at people. I once asked a pastor that I work with and greatly respect about whether or not an image we were using for our ministry would cause men to stumble and he said, “Jen, men see what they want to see, they are responsible for what they look at and what they do with that image.” I am not trying to be insensitive here, I get that we need to help each other I do, but I think we need to deal with the heart issues rather than a list of rules that “deter sin”. God has called us to freedom and abundant life not to simply narrowly escape sin. For a great perspective from a man on this topic click here As this author states we hinder ourselves from arriving at real biblical solutions when we believe this notion, “  It is the notion that all men lust, hopelessly and helplessly.”

Where are our hearts at and what are we teaching our youth? Are we looking at them with love and compassion or with judgment and condemnation? Are we teaching them who they are in Christ and the infinite value they have that they might walk in confidence in Christ and also value others in the same way? It is true that Jesus said, “if you love me, you’ll obey my commandments.” Do you know what the first and most important commandment is according to Jesus? To love God.  It’s not a long list of rules that somehow make us more Christian than others if we can manage to follow them (which we can’t).  We love because God first loved us, it’s love not condemnation that births in us a desire to obey God. It’s kindness that leads us to repentance. Writing an article in a Christian magazine that makes judgment on a group of young Christian women and their families is not likely to lead to more obedience or repentance. Let’s look at it this way, this woman saw these girls and judged them based on what they were wearing, she “expected more of them”. Let’s turn that on ourselves for a minute and say I’m a Christian from the projects in the inner city and I just arrived at a church in the suburbs. In the parking lot I see BMWs, Mercedes, nice trucks, old vintage cars. My first thought is, “obviously these people don’t really want to honor God because if they did they would listen to all of His teaching about caring for the poor and giving up all that you have to follow Him. Clearly these believers are caught up in materialism and aren’t honoring God.” How are we feeling now? Defensive of ourselves and those we love?  Sure that if they only knew our hearts they would see how much we genuinely love God and others? My point is that whatever the issue is, I don’t believe God would use shame and condemnation to lead us to obedience, to lead us to His heart. Let’s also consider that while we may have “mastered modesty” we are seriously lacking in other areas because we are human. There has to be room for growth no matter how long we’ve walked with the Lord, who our parents are or what church we go to… no one has it altogether. What if we just rejoiced that teenagers were showing up for church at all, were wearing shirts that represented Jesus (do you know how many adults would NEVER wear a Jesus t-shirt for fear of persecution???). I’ve never seen a perfect person in a church, I’ve never seen a perfect person wearing a Christian shirt or a cross necklace and I’ve never thought they weren’t worthy of Christ because of their imperfection. It’s our imperfection that Christ came for, that He died for and conquered with the resurrection.

I wholeheartedly believe in teaching modesty but not from a place of fear or shame or legalism but one of love. We dress modestly because we are convinced of our intrinsic worth and are not seeking validation elsewhere, we dress modestly because we love others and would never want to be a stumbling block to a brother or sister. We, men and women, choose to honor ourselves, one another and the Lord with all that we are because we love Him and we recognize His deep, unfailing, unchanging love for us. 

The burden of hope

It wasn't so much the things she said as it was the look on her face. As I said the words her face crumpled and her eyes shown with desperation. I knew that face or at least I recognized the emotions behind it. I have felt them so many times myself. You know that moment when you almost have enough hope to believe that you are redeemable but the weight of your sin seems insurmountable? You feel unworthy of unmerited favor, you feel like it's probably available for others but not for you, it couldn't possibly be true for you. You're too far gone, your sin is somehow greater than everyone else's, if they only knew all that you had done they wouldn't be speaking such ill-fitted words of fantasy to you, words of...hope.

Why is hope so daunting? Perhaps it's easier to stay in our sin than to face the possibility that we'll fail again. Because if I receive grace and then slap it in the face I prove to be more unworthy than at the start and I cannot bear to feel more unworthy.

And can there really be a God so full of love that He can forgive me over and over again? That he can overlook my failings? Images of a bride dressed in white, clothed by her maker, in His righteousness, swirl in my head and I can't help but see the stains all over her and...what if others can see them too? What if they know how weak I am? What if they see my rebellious heart that has chosen the stains over the pure white gown time and time again? At the very least THEY will know that I am unworthy.

If I knew what the answer was to overcome this, to never have to make that face again or see it on another, I'd put it into practice today, this moment. But... I don't. What I do know is that every time I feel that way, God meets me there. He doesn't meet me with a shaking fist and a scowling face but He meets me with warmth, with open arms, with grace that covers me like a cloak. Grace that covers me. Covers my sin, covers my doubts, covers my fears, covers my shame. Again and again and again... He whispers words of promise over me, "those who know my name will put their trust in me, for I, the Lord, have not forsaken those who seek me" (psalm 9:10). He reminds of a beautiful truth penned by C.S. Lewis, "...the great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him."  He takes the burden and places it on Himself, wrapping me in a beautiful garment of His righteousness where grace and justice wildly intersect making the unclean clean and the desperate filled...with hope.

"I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul shall be joyful in my God: for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, he has covered me with the robe of righteousness..." Isaiah 61:10a

The Burden of Hope, Part 2

This woman's face was a reflection of my own. In her I saw that though I know Jesus I often times don't identify with Him. What He has made clear from His word is that I am his daughter, I am beloved, I am chosen. I am all of those things not because of what I've done but because of what Jesus has done for me. He loved me before the foundations of the world. He knew what my failings and shortcomings would be and chose then to love me and then to give his life for mine. I so often give in to the temptation of believing that my identity is based on what I do rather than on who God says I am. So then when I fail, I somehow feel less than, not quite as righteous or accepted. But Jesus' righteousness covers me and He is never "less righteous" or "less accepted". So I can move forward in joy and freedom, knowing that God is transforming me into His image but not so that He can somehow love me more. He made the greatest demonstration of love that can be made by giving up his life for mine.

I know all this seems simple and basic but it's a place where my heart struggles and needs constant reminders. I pray that as I gain my footing in these truths, others will see that they are true as well.

"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." John 15:13

"Don't give up on us."

"Don't give up on us!" Those words hurriedly exclaimed as we walked away from M several weeks ago impacted me so much that I actually wrote them down next to her name where I take weekly notes. When we approached her tonight she was walking away from us, we called after her and when she realized who we were she walked towards us almost as if she couldn't help herself,  as if she was being drawn in.

"I remember you, you prayed with me and everything began to change," she said as tears filled her eyes. She began to tell us the steps she had made towards getting out of the Game for good and how she hadn't been out in weeks until tonight... She asked that we pray for her, that this truly would be her last night. We offered to take her with us but she said it wasn't safe then because her pimp was watching her and would come after her.

We exchanged numbers and assured her that we willing to be a part of the process with her as she continued to make steps towards freedom. She left us with the same plea as last time, "please keep praying and...don't give up on us."

Those five words are so simple yet so powerful. How many times in a day do I want to give up?
It would be embarrassing to say, but the truth is sometimes the battle seems too great and I feel so small. And then I think about how often I say those same words to God, "don't give up on me.I know I'm making the same mistakes over and over, I know I'm putting my trust in worldly things, I know I'm choosing my way over yours.... but please, don't give up on me." And He doesn't. He remains steadfast, immoveable. He loves without condition. He pursues relentlessly, He corrects with gentleness again and again. He comforts me. Teaches me. Waits patiently for me. He never gives up.

And though I look at the women we meet on Friday nights; the circumstances they find themselves in, the lies they have believed, the overwhelming destruction and sense of hopelessness and in my flesh I want to give up, by the power of God's Spirit I am able to press on and love as I ought to love...as my Savior has loved me.  And when I am overwhelmed and it looks like evil is winning and the battle rages on... I remember my Savior, the One who has overcome the grave, the One who has conquered sin and death, the One who is alive, the One who has made a way and desires that none should perish but that all should have everlasting life. I remember that it is He who is fighting this battle, it is He who sets the captives free, it is He who makes beauty from ashes.

I know that you who are reading this are in the midst of a battle too (whether you know it or not is a subject for another blog) and sometimes you feel like you will never overcome and you simply want to give up. Don't. But DO, run to the one who HAS overcome, run to Him and rest in Him. He has called you to this place, in this time, for His purposes. He will carry you through to victory which you already have in Him. In those moments when you feel like you're not enough (be assured that you aren't) trust in the one who is, who lives in you and loves through you.

And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. 1 John 4:16

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

"Don't give up on us." M, a young woman enslaved to prostitution and seeking freedom

Gaby

"Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away."

As a Christian there are certain ways I have learned to process certain events...
Today I received news that I had no idea how to process.

Gaby was a homeless woman who lived in the bushes near the gas station down the street from my school.  Several years ago I began visiting her. I would bring her meals or snacks and pray for her. I did share the gospel with her but I don't think she could understand me. No matter what I would say she would always reply, "yes, yes" or sometimes I would get a hearty "thank you". I could never tell if she really knew what I was saying, if you knew the love that had grown in my heart for her or most importantly if she knew God's love.

Sometimes I would take my students to see her and we would bring her lunch. One of my students, feeling great compassion towards her, told her mom (also a teacher at my school) and they began visiting Gaby as well.

This morning, my student came to me and told me that Gaby had passed away. I had feared her death for so long, anxiousness overwhelming me everytime I drove by her spot at the gas station. But today my fear became a reality. Death is something I've faced before and it's always difficult. But this time... there is no way of knowing if she really knew Christ, there is no one to call and give my condolences to, no funeral...

So what can I take away from this? Tomorrow is never guaranteed. There are Gaby's everywhere, people who are alone and in great need. If I pass them by today, I have no promise that I will see them tomorrow.

God is always on mission. He purposes that we would live on mission. Who has God put in your path today? How will/did you respond?

Lord, we ask that you give us your eyes to see, your heart to love and boldness to proclaim your word to a lost and dying world. Amen.