Vulnerability

"Vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage" Brene Brown

God has called me into great vulnerabiltiy over the last couple of years, I have had this "vulnerability hangover" that author Brene Brown mentions, on more occasions than not. I have felt raw and exposed and anything but brave. One definition I found of brave was; Ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage. I have been given the opportunity (doesn't that word make it sound a lot more fun??) to face pain and even danger on multiple occasions in the last few years. One of the most incredible things about each of these situations was that in facing what I feared most and often finding that my fears were in fact founded, I also made it through. The things I feared the most didn't kill me or destroy me and in facing my fears, in sitting in that place of pain and doubt and looking for God's presence in the midst of it, I most often found healing.

 I think if we knew what we were asking for when we asked for healing, we might hesitate. We think healing will come as God floods our life with joy and answered prayers that will make up for all we have lost or feel we are lacking. And in a sense, it will, but most often the joy comes as we realize His presence in the midst of our suffering and questions, as the psalmist says, "in His presence is the fullness of joy", fewer things draw us into God's presence more than our desperate need for him in times of suffering. I absolutely believe God works through our vulnerability. As we open ourselves to God and others we are able to be changed, to grow, to heal, to ask hard questions, to dream, to hope, to live. We learn that we belong to one another, that we are seen and heard and loved in the truest version of ourselves.

One more thing I want to say is how grateful I am for those who have helped me live into this. Those who have listened as I've shared my thoughts in ways that are disjointed and often confusing. Who have sat with me as I've cried. Your presence in my life is invaluable and is what allows me to be courageous. With all my heart, thank you. May each of us be a safe place for others to show how courageous they are.

Let's See How I Did...2014 in Review

Below is my post from last years' resolutions, in bold is how I did, not too shabby! I am really grateful for God's faithfulness in this crazy, exciting, painful, filled with the unexpected, year. 

14 Resolutions for 2014
1) Don't eat chocolate! Unless..it's in my protein bars (because let's face it, that's all I eat.) OR someone makes me baked goods with chocolate in them (then I'll just eat one and give the rest away when that wonderful person is gone) I think I made it about 6 months with one....Man, do I LOVE chocolate! 

2) Be grateful This was one of the great themes of this year, God teaching me to rejoice in all things. It's so so hard but so so beautiful and life giving! 

3) Wait on the lord with joy and expectation (rather than with complaining like I usually do) God gave me a lot of waiting opportunities this year and it was HARD! I wish I could say I did it all with joy but there were a lot of ups and downs, tears and desperate crying out. I will say though that in those hard places I felt God's presence more than ever before and that has indeed brought me great joy. Psalm 16:11

4) Don't get on an airplane... this one might be tough but I think it would be glorious! I did it!! It has been more than a year since I have gotten on an airplane. Not traveling as much this year (I managed a couple road trips!) has helped me invest more fully in my community and I am so grateful for the relationships that have been built this year. 

5) Be brave! Say what you want to say! Wow, did I ever nail this one! I have never been so brave in all my life. I made a lot of hard decisions this year. I had a lot of hard conversations. I almost got a tattoo (that counts right?!). Wore my heart on my sleeve. Asked people for forgiveness. Offered forgiveness. Quit my job. Took on a new job. Pondered a new career. Drove to Colorado in the snow by myself (gasp!). Loved recklessly. Dug into the hard and dark places of my past to seek healing. Prayed outrageous prayers. Learned to wait quietly on the Lord (fewer things are more brave than ceasing to strive and letting God take over...fewer things will prove more rewarding) Being brave is hard and scary and that's the whole point. I am grateful for God's leading and faithfulness as He called me to do hard things this year. 

6) Make new friends Numbers 4,5 and 7 all helped with this one. I did in fact make new friends this year. Not only did I make new friendships that have been life changing, I was able to go deeper with the friends I already had and for all of these relationships I am so grateful. 

7) Slow down, in every aspect of life, I need to slow down. Quitting my job helped with this one, suddenly I had nights and weekends free and was able to really engage. Engage more with the Lord and family and friends. It's so easy to hide behind busyness and I was incredibly guilty of this, but this year I slowed down and faced a lot of hard things I had been avoiding and I am so glad that I did. Slowing down also gave me time to read more books and binge watch way too many shows on hulu, but both of those are cheaper than therapy and have better consequences than hanging out in bars all night. 

8) Learn how to use that super fancy camera I saved for months to buy... I'm getting there! I did a few photo shoots, took a class and even took a couple of trips to learn how to use my camera, it's been fun and I can't wait to learn more! 

9) Decorate my room My room looks awesome!!! The walls are decorated, I have a cozy chair next to my bookshelf, it's perfect :) 

10) Drink more water (I don't know, I'm running out of ideas here...) I have no idea how I did on this one, I've always been pretty good at drinking water, this was a total cheater resolution ;) 

11) Remember. Remember God's faithfulness. Remember God's word. Remember His love for me. Remember lessons I've learned so I don't have to learn them again. Remember names and faces. This one really came in handy this year, with all the uncertainty and heartache that this year held, remembering God's past faithfulness was my anchor. Again, not something I did perfectly but I am encouraged even now that God had spoken this to my heart at the start of the year, He knows what we need. 

12) Take in the seemingly insignificant moments, the beauty of everyday life, the joy of just being.
I think all my instagram photos of sunsets and snuggles are proof enough of this. God has filled my life with so much joy and beauty and I am thankful that He has helped me see it. 

13) Be kind, even when I don't feel like it, even when people don't deserve it...because I have been given everything in Christ, may I learn to be kind and gracious to others. This one is hard to assess, but I know I learned a lot about kindness and grace and repentance when I didn't quite hit the mark. 

14) Last but certainly not least, may each breathe and step I take be for Jesus and when I willingly go my own way may I respond to His gentle correction and follow the path of my Savior. He is always good and always faithful, may my life reflect my belief in those words. Again, I truly hope this is true of me but there's no real way to know. I know I've had to repent a lot this year but I think that reflects Christ too. I'm so grateful for His grace and the grace shown to me by others, for this painfully beautiful season that has brought with it growth and a greater knowledge of God's presence and goodness. 

"For since the beginning of the world we have not heard nor perceived by the ear, nor has the eye seen any God besides you, who acts for the one who waits for Him." Isaiah 64:4



This year has been REALLY hard. There has been a lot of loss and heartache. There has also been great reward. Relationships restored. New adventures. Learning to love more deeply. An awareness of God's presence I had yet to experience. A sense of peace in the midst of chaos. A growing belief in the goodness and withness (I know it's not a word!) of God. I am hopeful and excited as we welcome 2015 and grateful to let go of with glad surrender this year while at the same time clinging onto the goodness of God's faithfulness in 2014.

Happy New Year Friends! 

My beautiful niece's birthday party! 

A relationship restored and made so beautiful! 

My Dad and I. Nothing helps grow your relationship like a little friendly competition!

New Friends!

Old friends whom I have grown to love even more

This lil' nutcake brings me SO much joy all year long!

Sunsets and camera skills

A wild and crazy road trip to Colorado!

My sister and my best friend on a fun family road trip

And here's my verse for the new year; "As for God, His way is perfect, the Lord's word is flawless. He shields all who take refuge in Him. For who is God besides the Lord and who is the rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer. He causes me to stand on heights." Psalm 18:30-33

Being Brave

I am not by nature a very brave person. I am what has been described of me as "polite". Meaning, I tend to be quiet in social settings, I won't interrupt or talk over someone, I don't usually offer opinions unless directly asked. I won't strike up a conversation with a stranger. I am often reserved in expressing my feelings for fear of all sorts of things; rejection, offending someone, not expressing myself clearly. But this year, actually just these last few months I have decided to be brave. I have friends who are really brave and while it might be awkward and uncomfortable for a moment, they often times get really incredible results from speaking up. Like tickets to a game they wanted to go to or a date with someone they thought was attractive or a promotion or a new friendship. There's a song that became very popular this year by Sara Barellis called "Brave" and the chorus says "say what you want to say and let the words fall out, honestly, I want to see you be brave". I have found myself singing that to myself every time I feel scared to say something. So I've been more brave this year and it has been awkward and scary and I don't always get the results I hope for but I also have less "what ifs?" to wrestle with and more confidence and I believe stronger relationships as my new found bravery breaks through the walls we've built up to protect ourselves and allows love to grow.

How can you be brave today? 

My Grandma

My Grandma's name is Ruth. She is everything a Ruth should be, strong, firm in her faith, yielded to the Holy Spirit, brave and committed to those she loves.

One of my favorite stories about my Grandma is how she met my Grandpa. Even the way she tells it is magical. She was at a youth event at Griffith Park in Los Angeles as was my Grandfather. When she saw his incredible height as he emerged from the youth van she asked, "what's the weather like up there?" He was instantly taken in by her and they spent the rest of the afternoon as she says "riding around and around on the carousel". At the end of the day my Grandma invited my Grandpa to a Halloween party at her house...one that she had not actually planned on having but in a moment of quick thinking decided she needed to have so she could see him again. The rest, as they say, is history.

While my Grandma is obviously quite the smooth operator what she is at her core is a woman who loves God with all that she is and desires for everyone to have that same relationship with Him. When I was growing up I would get Bibles and Christian books from my Grandma every Christmas and every Christmas I would add them to the stack in my closet never to be touched. I wanted Barbies and clothes and was kind of annoyed at receiving yet another Bible. But late in my teen years I came to know the Lord and fell in love with Him and remembered all those books and Bibles stacked up in my closet. I devoured them. I know for a fact that my Grandma had been praying for me all of those years and that she still does. Every time she gave me a new book she was praying and also sacrificing. She was sacrificing being the "cool" Grandma for the hope that I would know my Savior. She knew that the most important thing in the world was that I know and love Jesus, more important than my loving her.

I long to be like my grandma in so many ways, witty and charming, creative, selfless and faithful. She is the whole package!