What do you do when your dreams are crushed?

I want to answer that question, but the truth is, I'm only asking it because I'm watching as my dreams slip away. I'm not trying to be dramatic and I know things can be a lot worse, but comparing losses gets us nowhere. A dream crushed is a dream crushed and all of them matter.

I like to say things like "The process is just as important as the outcome" and "God must have something better". But today, my heart doesn't agree with my head. Today, my heart hurts and is confused and even a little bit angry.

I'm in the middle of a sabbatical and that's an incredible gift. It's also really hard. No one tells you how hard it will be. How lonely you will feel, how when the novelty and adventure wear off you will begin to doubt your worth and value or purpose in this world. How when you have stepped away from the work you are so passionate about and all the other areas of your life fall apart you feel so so empty. They don't tell you that part. Or how some will doubt you, and your intentions with this time, and how they'll tell you that on the same day that you get the news that devastates you. Not in the brochure...

I want to say that I am sure that God has a bigger and better plan. I want to say that all this will work for good. I want to say that I trust God and I'm not afraid. But I don't wholeheartedly believe any of that today. I believe it a little and I hope I will believe it more and I hope that it will all turn out to be true. But today, I got on my knees and wept and cried out to God. "So many dreams have been taken, so now what? I need you to show up. I need to know that you see me and hear me and care about this. I believe that you love me but sometimes I have to cling a little to much to past evidence and really wish I had a win for today."

Rejection and loss are hard to face. And maybe they don't define us but they are definitely land markers in our story. We try and we work and seek God and pray and plan and sometimes we are still left with nothing. Or at least, what feels like nothing in this moment. So, I don't know. I really don't know what the answer is. I think that you just stumble around in the dark until you hopefully find a light switch or maybe even just a flashlight. I think that you fall on your face and cry and tell God how much it hurts and how confused you are. I think you wait for the Lord but get up and keep going at the same time. I think you trust that he's good while maybe changing your opinion of what that means. 

God IS good. He is with us. I know he's with me. I know that when my heart hurts his does too. And honestly, that's about all I know right now. It's enough though, it's enough to take the next step. It's enough to wake up and start again tomorrow. It's enough to draw me to my knees and keep coming to Jesus, just to know that he's there.

If you feel the same today, if you just can't make sense of what's happening and feel empty-handed, you aren't alone. I hope that God's presence with you will be enough. I hope that you will draw near and pour out your heart, he loves when we come to him. I hope that you will be comforted and encouraged. You, are not alone. And I hope that we'll both be able to dream again.. even if it's just one little flicker of a flame that ignites, may it be enough to draw us out in hope for the good things that will come just as surely as the heartache.

Looking for the light with you,
Jen

"I always pray as if this one thing is true: God is for us. And it's worthwhile to keep knocking. That's all I know about faith for sure" Sarah Bessey

His Way is Perfect

Remember that month where you suffered a loss in relationship, your roommate had emergency surgery, your car broke down, your sister fell and wound up in the ER, your stepmom lost her job, you lost your wallet only to find it later with everything missing including your Golden Spoon stamp card (are there no decent people left in the world??!), BOTH your Grandma's were in the hospital, you drove to Colorado for rest and refuge but had to pull off the highway because the first snow of the year came hard in the middle of your drive and because your wallet was stolen you had no way to pay for your hotel room and had to call your Dad? Yea...

We've all had months like this, where NOTHING seems to go our way. Some are much harder than this, and some seem to last all year. We live in a broken and fallen world. We are broken people. We take on too much and can't keep up. We carry the burdens of others sometimes forgetting ourselves. We stumble and fall and make bad choices. And confusion and heartache seem to reign.

And then... the miracle. NOTHING changes. But God. Immanuel, God with us. Somewhere in the chaos and crying out you hear Him, that still, small voice "I am with you". Somewhere in the blinding, blur you see Him, wide arms ready to embrace you. Joy, trust, peace, even laughter take over your heart, your mind, and you fall back into His arms.

We were not promised easy, we were not promised a life without pain or trials, the opposite is actually true. But He promised He'd be with us. If you can stop, for even a second in the swirling chaos and listen, you'll hear Him, you will know that He is ever present and faithful. He will deliver you, He will not leave you. He will be strong for you. He will comfort, protect and provide for you.

I stood in the middle of Arches National Park (a place you MUST go if you can!) with large rock formations surrounding me on every side. On my way to Colorado to visit friends, I made the ridiculously long drive by myself on purpose. I wanted time to hear Him, to pray and share my heart with the One who created it. I wanted space and quiet and beauty and didn't really want to share it with anyone but Jesus. And truth be told, I wanted to be able to pee whenever I wanted and sing along with N'Sync at the top of my lungs without bothering another human.

I was so overwhelmed by the beauty of the park, I almost forgot to stop and listen to the One who created it. I came down a steep rock pathway and looked up at the daunting structure in front of me and said, "God, what do you want to say to me?" And He spoke the words of Psalm 18 to my heart, "I will make your feet like the feet of a deer, and cause you to stand on heights. With Me, you can scale a wall. Who is God besides me and who is the Rock except our God? As for Me, My way is perfect, my word is flawless." And His words like fresh water in a dry and weary land refreshed and strengthened me and reminded me that He was, indeed, with me.

It took three days but I finally reached my destination, the home of dear friends who offered me a place of Refuge for the week, opening their hearts and their home to me. On my bed was a red envelope, actual mail! My sweet friend had sent me mail all the way in Colorado! She wrote beautiful words from her own heart, words of love and affirmation and on the backside wrote these verses;

  "As for God, his way is perfect: the Lord's word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in Him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he causes me to stand on heights." 2 Samuel 22:31-34

And more laughter and joy and awareness of His presence, His faithfulness and goodness towards me.  And though my flesh and my heart may fail as for my God, my Rock and my Refuge...His way is perfect.

The Deeper Idol

"One of the signs that an object is functioning as an idol is that fear becomes one of the chief characteristics of life. When we center our lives on the idol, we become dependent on it. If our counterfeit god is threatened in any way, our response is complete panic." Timothy Keller, Counterfeit Gods

You never know what is at the center of your heart until you risk losing it. And you think you know, at least you know what should be there, until you face a great loss. But the one who should be at the center, could never be lost.

The temptation will always be there, to allow something mortal, temporary and completely unable to fill the void in that space. All of us are tempted in different ways and perhaps in all of them throughout different seasons. We try to fill it without even knowing it. We believe that love, money, power or success can give us what we so desperately need; to feel whole, loved, and accepted.
There is One who can fill that space, who can fill our whole being to overflowing if we'll but clear the way.

Clearing the way is often painful. It involves digging up deep rooted idols. But we will never know how fully we could be filled until we allow for this. We will never be able to properly appreciate all that we have until we put it in its proper place. We can actually love more completely when we ourselves are filled with God's love but He has to be given His proper place in order to do this. No person or thing can fill you and attempting to let them only places a pressure on them that they will never be able to bear.

Our expectations were created to be met by God. God who is whole, pure, holy, righteous, love. No person or thing can ever be all those things perfectly and they were not meant to be. This is the place that God is meant to occupy. I wish that I could have seen without having to experience great loss, that my hands had been open, that my grip had been loose on it's own. But I clung to that which I believed would meet my needs, the need to feel validated, appreciated, seen.  The struggle won't go away, it will be a lifelong process but hopefully we learn to cling more and more to that which can truly satisfy, what our hearts long for.


 God in His kindness, looses the deeper idols of our hearts to fill them with Himself. We are reminded like Hagar, abandoned by all she had placed her hope in, that God, "El Roi" is the God who sees us. He hears us, rescues us, loves us completely. And it's not that relationships and things are not good, but they are not meant to be possessed or to possess us and can only be truly appreciated when they are seen as gifts from the one who can complete us. His to give and His, in sovereign goodness, to take away.

He is the one thing. The one that we are searching for. His presence, His love, mercy and grace can never be taken from us and so rightly ought to occupy the first place in our hearts.

I'm still learning this, like literally, at this moment. Actually, though I've heard teachings on it and read about it many times before, this is the first time I really get it. I think I cognitively understood it before but now my heart is resonating and I actually feel the empty space, the temptation to fill it with a myriad of things and the incredible and persistent drawing of the Lord to press in and give him his rightful place in my heart. There is more to behold, more of my heart to be cleared and more to be possessed by Him.

"Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God's love for them." Jonah 2:8
May we, with open hands, turn our hearts towards His love.

One Step Closer

The appointment was scheduled for 4pm. Pick up time was 3pm. She was supposed to call me with the address so I could leave my office by 2pm. As the hour approached, my heart began to sink, she wasn't going to call, we weren't going to make the appointment and she would continue on in the life.

Discouragement is peering around the door, waiting for the right moment to strike. Seeking the perfect time to tell me that nothing ever changes, that I should just give up. But then I remember... I remember the last two years of knowing her. I remember that at first we had short conversations on the street, which led to text messages, which led to phone calls, which led to long talks at McDonalds in the middle of the week, which led to making appointments to get the help she needed. And though she isn't there yet, she is one step closer and that is the miracle. Yes, the miracle is in the end result of finding freedom but the miracle is also every step along the way.

God has been encouraging my heart with this verse lately, "Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you; and therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him." Isaiah 30:18 As believers we think a lot about waiting on the Lord, it's all over the scriptures and we all have seasons where we are called to wait. But what we think about less often, is how God is waiting for us. The beginning of this verse tells us that God is waiting for us, to show us grace and mercy. It gives the picture that there are gifts of grace waiting for us if we will just come to Him in humility, with empty and open hands, ready to receive.

You can imagine that after suffering abuse from family, from strangers, being taken from her home, being trafficked and exploited, her perceptions of God would be skewed. She would see Him as punishing or distant, as withholding or unloving. As I praise God that she is in fact one step closer, I pray that she will begin to see God for who He is; a God of justice, who longs to be gracious to her. That in learning who He is and believing, she will be able to take another step, and another, and another...

Nothing I can do... A Total Eclipse of the Heart

I keep watching this clip from Grey's Anatomy over and over. I'm so taken in by it. It's no secret that I'm a hopeless romantic. I love rom coms, happy endings,singing for no reason, fairy tales and all the works of Jane Austen of course. The idea of a love so powerful it takes over and you can't stop yourself from potentially ruining your life just so you can express it. I would HATE for this actual scene to happen to me, and the truth is, I'm sure it's going to end horribly. But the idea of a love so great you are willing to fight for it no matter the cost, I love that idea. I love how brave this man is and sometimes I wish we were all a little more brave. That we were less worried about getting hurt or what others thought of us and that we could just love others. It will cost us to love and they might not love us back but that doesn't make loving someone any less worth while. We all long for this kind of love and I know that in real life love is more about someone holding your hair back while you vomit and picking up your dirty socks but there's got to be room for just laying our hearts on the line and loving people without our self imposed boundaries. I'm sure that life isn't a fairy tale,but I have to believe that there are moments where love is greater than any other force and overcomes everything to be realized, or...not. I don't even really know what I'm saying, I just LOVE this scene!

When life hands you lemons, get out the sweet tea!

I just got back from a two week vacation in the South and saw a sign that said, "When life gives you lemons, get out the sweet tea!" I love that sign and all that implies. Life is going to give you lemons. There will be incredibly sour moments that make you cringe and sometimes cry. But there is always sweet tea. At least in the South anyways! It's true though, my most painful moments are often met by some of the sweetest. Whether through the comfort of a friend, the embrace of a child, the faithful words of Scripture there is an underlying sweetness that if we can just see past the pain we'll find.

But it's not just the consistent gifts in our life that make lemons and sweet tea such a good combination. It's the fact that often through our darkest times we emerge more beautiful having been stripped of the dross that was holding us back and with a greater ability to see the beauty that was already surrounding us everyday. Somehow spending time in a dark place makes things in the light all the more bright, so that even the perfect colors the smog creates at sunset or sun shining through the lone tree in the city park become the most beautiful sights.

We often fight against pain, we resist vulnerability fearing that we'll be so weighed down we'll never emerge. But the truth is we will, the fog will lift and we'll see clearly again, the pain will ease and joy will flood in anew. So don't be afraid to open your heart, to take a risk, to walk away from someone or perhaps towards someone. You will get hurt and will even be the cause of hurt to others but there is beauty in the transforming work of God in our lives as we make ourselves vulnerable to Him and to one another. Open your heart and hands wide and allow the sweet and the sour to mix and make what only the two together can accomplish... the best darn glass of tea you ever had!