Letting Go of the Timeline

I remember thinking 25 was old. By 25 my life would be settled and all of my plans would have taken shape or at least be in process. Then I turned 25. I felt like I might as well have been 15, I felt like I was only just beginning to discover who I was and none of the things I had planned for 25 had actually happened. Then 30 came and I was in almost the same situation. By this time I knew more of who I was and what I wanted but still felt really far off from the timeline.

Let me give you a glimpse of this proposed timeline that I came up with somewhere in my youth and childhood (where like Julie Andrews, I'm sure I did something good). I was going to go to a four year college and major in the sciences in preparation for medical school. After graduation I would head straight to med school and finish my residency by 29. I would marry at 30 and have my first child at 31. Guys, it was a pretty good plan if you ask me. But NONE of that happened.

My plan didn't come to pass not because I'm not smart enough for med school or desirable enough for marriage. I'm not even completely sure of the "whys" but what I've learned is that when I base my life on timelines I find myself swept up in anxiety, regret, and hopelessness. I find that I am always waiting for the next thing instead of finding joy in the moment. And so many of these unplanned and unforeseen moments have brought with them incredible joy and life and hope.

My desires haven't changed much; I still hope for marriage and family and think I'd be an amazing wife and mom (guys, I'm so much fun and love people something fierce), I'm currently preparing for nursing school because I am still fascinated by medicine and love caring for others. Those core desires  really haven't changed much but their expression has followed a very different path than I'd imagined and all my timelines have been left in the dust.

Following Jesus has been a greater adventure than I ever could have dreamed. We can make our plans but ultimately we are seeking his plans and many times they differ from ours. I have had experiences I never could have dreamed for myself. I have been a part of people's lives in ways I couldn't have imagined. I have experienced heartbreaks and disappointments that I would not have put in the plan. Through all the twists and turns one thing I am more certain of is that God has been with me. I am more sure of a loving Creator, Father and Friend than ever and as I continue to let go of the "shoulds" and "what ifs" and cling to Jesus I find more joy and hope than I could have imagined.

My story is incredible and beautiful, messy and painful, purposeful and far different than I had planned. So I keep looking to the one who shaped my heart to shape my future and let go of expectations and timelines. I find myself purposing to take joy in what is instead of what isn't (I admit I suck at this, but some things you just have to keep choosing over and over) and I find rest knowing that God is with me, that his plans are good and that he loves me.
What have you been holding onto? Are there things that you are waiting for that are keeping you from enjoying and flourishing in what already is?

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven...He has made everything beautiful in its time" Ecclesiastes 3:1,11

What We Aren't Posting

What We Aren't Posting
I'm not the first to address this issue but it's been a pressing one for me these last few weeks so I'm going to put my two cents in on it as well. We all know that we put our best selves forward on social media. That we give just enough information to make it look like we're being vulnerable without actually being vulnerable. Or we're the opposite and we rant and rave and drive everyone crazy because we are giving way too much information. The problem is, it isn't real life. What's real is that I slept 4 hours last night because I was in incredible amounts of pain, that I got pulled over for speeding (but let off with a warning...whew!), that I'm not feeling great about myself because I put on a few vacation pounds (and I'd do it again! Countless helpings of the worlds best fudge were totally worth a few days of feeling kind of frumpy.) and was rejected by two different guys in the last month. Yea...you didn't see me instagramming any of that stuff. A nice muffin top picture would be fun though wouldn't it? ;)

So you saw all my beautiful sunset pictures and my adorable nephew and shots of me at Disneyland and ball games and you thought "she is living the life! I wish I had it that good!" And you're right, my life is really, really good but it's not perfect and there is a lot of heartache and frustration that I just didn't feel like any Instagram filter could fix.

In addition to the lack of contentment social media can bring as we compare our severely average lives to the apparently perfect lives of all our "friends" it can also bring a fair amount of social anxiety...at least for me.
With every word or photo I worry...who will see it? What will they think? Should I have said it a different way? Not at all? On and on and on. I lose genuine connection with my friends in exchange for a virtual, borderline imaginary, social connection. I say imaginary because much of what is happening is all in my mind based on my own fears and insecurities and not based on actual fact. So instead of spending time reading actual books, having conversations with those who actually love me or praying and growing spiritually, I am consumed with anxiety and constantly looking for someone to alleviate it as if just one more like of my extremely witty status will validate my worth as a human. But it won't. There's a lot to think about here; one issue is how social media is impacting our relationships (and let's face it our mental stability) and the other is where our worth and value actually comes from.

Our Relationships

I think social media can be really great. I have friends all over the world and I love that I can connect with them, hear details of their everyday life and see photos almost in real time through social media. I also love how social media has connected me to friends from the past who I might never have heard from again. But I think there are some major pitfalls in that social media creates an illusion of connectedness. We may have a 1,000 "friends" but still wind up sitting home alone most nights. We may have dozens of social interactions in a day and yet we've had no genuine heart connection with anyone. We are still doing life alone, we are crying in the bathroom alone, we are rejoicing in our office alone and no amount of likes on our status or followers or our blog will ever make up for the actual presence of a friend.

And let's talk about when we are with our friends or family but still find it necessary to check the status updates of our other friends and miss a valuable connection with the person sitting right in front of us. We have almost lost the ability to sit with one another, look each other in the eye and just be with one another. I'm as guilty of this as the next person but I'm trying really hard to learn to be present in the moment and to give my loved ones the attention they deserve.

Our Worth
There is only one person who defines your worth, it's the one who created you. God alone gives you worth and your value is infinite because of Him. It's not based on you saying the right thing or always looking your best, it's based on who He is. Your value is intrinsic and does not change with a new day, new blog post or photo. You can rest in that fact and stop striving, stop worrying and maybe just maybe put your phone down for a few minutes and thank God for loving you lavishly and being more than enough. Not only is He enough for you, but you... are enough.

What Now?
As I mentioned, I think there are some great reasons to use social media and it's almost impossible not to in some form because that is the way the world operates today. But we can change our habits and our ways of thinking. I have a very all or nothing personality. It is really hard for me to do things in moderation so if it is harmful in someway I usually have to opt not to do it all. As I have noticed a fair amount of social anxiety and a severe amount of distraction from using facebook I have chosen to leave that form of social media indefinitely. In the last month and a half of being away, I have had richer times with those I love, more focused times of prayer and study, I've read actual books and I have been more at peace than I have in a long time. I still put up photos on Instagram but I'm seriously considering a "real life" series because I've managed to dupe everyone into believing that I live in some tropical paradise instead of a dirty, crime filled city (even though I really do think the city is beautiful) and I think a little realism might make us all feel a little better.

I don't know what, if any, changes you need to make. But it's worth taking a look at your social media habits, your motives behind using social media and how it's impacting your relationships and your own sanity. Ask yourself and then make the changes you need to make so that you can be fully present when your child says their first word or when your friend loses a child or even for the everyday joys of life like the first snowfall, a beautiful sunset or snuggling your kids.

Today, take a step towards genuine connection... call a friend or write a letter or pop over to see a loved one and make that connection with those that mean the most to you.

When life hands you lemons, get out the sweet tea!

I just got back from a two week vacation in the South and saw a sign that said, "When life gives you lemons, get out the sweet tea!" I love that sign and all that implies. Life is going to give you lemons. There will be incredibly sour moments that make you cringe and sometimes cry. But there is always sweet tea. At least in the South anyways! It's true though, my most painful moments are often met by some of the sweetest. Whether through the comfort of a friend, the embrace of a child, the faithful words of Scripture there is an underlying sweetness that if we can just see past the pain we'll find.

But it's not just the consistent gifts in our life that make lemons and sweet tea such a good combination. It's the fact that often through our darkest times we emerge more beautiful having been stripped of the dross that was holding us back and with a greater ability to see the beauty that was already surrounding us everyday. Somehow spending time in a dark place makes things in the light all the more bright, so that even the perfect colors the smog creates at sunset or sun shining through the lone tree in the city park become the most beautiful sights.

We often fight against pain, we resist vulnerability fearing that we'll be so weighed down we'll never emerge. But the truth is we will, the fog will lift and we'll see clearly again, the pain will ease and joy will flood in anew. So don't be afraid to open your heart, to take a risk, to walk away from someone or perhaps towards someone. You will get hurt and will even be the cause of hurt to others but there is beauty in the transforming work of God in our lives as we make ourselves vulnerable to Him and to one another. Open your heart and hands wide and allow the sweet and the sour to mix and make what only the two together can accomplish... the best darn glass of tea you ever had!

My Grandma

My Grandma's name is Ruth. She is everything a Ruth should be, strong, firm in her faith, yielded to the Holy Spirit, brave and committed to those she loves.

One of my favorite stories about my Grandma is how she met my Grandpa. Even the way she tells it is magical. She was at a youth event at Griffith Park in Los Angeles as was my Grandfather. When she saw his incredible height as he emerged from the youth van she asked, "what's the weather like up there?" He was instantly taken in by her and they spent the rest of the afternoon as she says "riding around and around on the carousel". At the end of the day my Grandma invited my Grandpa to a Halloween party at her house...one that she had not actually planned on having but in a moment of quick thinking decided she needed to have so she could see him again. The rest, as they say, is history.

While my Grandma is obviously quite the smooth operator what she is at her core is a woman who loves God with all that she is and desires for everyone to have that same relationship with Him. When I was growing up I would get Bibles and Christian books from my Grandma every Christmas and every Christmas I would add them to the stack in my closet never to be touched. I wanted Barbies and clothes and was kind of annoyed at receiving yet another Bible. But late in my teen years I came to know the Lord and fell in love with Him and remembered all those books and Bibles stacked up in my closet. I devoured them. I know for a fact that my Grandma had been praying for me all of those years and that she still does. Every time she gave me a new book she was praying and also sacrificing. She was sacrificing being the "cool" Grandma for the hope that I would know my Savior. She knew that the most important thing in the world was that I know and love Jesus, more important than my loving her.

I long to be like my grandma in so many ways, witty and charming, creative, selfless and faithful. She is the whole package!

Is This Really The Goal?

Is this really the goal?

This blog post is a response to this article about modesty which was published in World Magazine. You should start by reading the article first, then my thoughts below. 

I have to believe that the heart of the woman writing this article is one of love but sadly I think she completely misses the point in addressing the issue of modesty.  In her final words of the article she admonishes Christian women to “modesty” and to teach the younger women to do likewise. Her goal: “to deter sin”. “So even though women and teenage girls can show little or no flesh and still be the object of lust, Christian women should do their part, even in this age of political correctness, to deter sin by dressing modestly and encouraging their younger sisters in Christ to do likewise.” 

The longer I walk with Jesus the more I realize that sin deterrence is a man-made goal that is accomplished most often in our own flesh. I’m also mindful of how sad and hopeless life would be if “sin deterrence” were the goal.

There are so many important aspects of this article that miss the mark or are simply ignored.

First, we cannot make modesty a women’s issue only…it’s NOT! Men need to be challenged in the same way unless all the women of the world would like to stand up right now and say they’ve never been attracted to a shirtless man…oh, no one wants to stand up? If we’re going to talk about modesty we have to address both genders.

Second, the author says this statement which I can hardly fathom she would believe if she actually knew any teenage girls, “While it’s true that teenage girls are well aware of their power of attractiveness…” Do you know what teenage girls are aware of? How inadequate they are and always will be. Trust me, even the most beautiful girls in the world are still thinking they are not enough. What if we spent our time teaching young women about their infinite value and worth and who they are in Christ rather than all the things they are not to do or be?

Third, how about we be excited that these young women (and I’m assuming men too) are out doing healthy activities with other kids who are trying to make good choices rather than critique their every move? One thing that’s sure to drive the youth out of our churches is coming to them with a heart of judgment. I’m assuming you didn’t come to Christ perfect because then what would be your need for him and if that’s true than you have issues too, they might just not be so obvious.

Lastly, let’s not let those these “short-shorted girls” may have “caused” to stumble off so easily. We all make our choices; we choose what we look at and how we look at people. I once asked a pastor that I work with and greatly respect about whether or not an image we were using for our ministry would cause men to stumble and he said, “Jen, men see what they want to see, they are responsible for what they look at and what they do with that image.” I am not trying to be insensitive here, I get that we need to help each other I do, but I think we need to deal with the heart issues rather than a list of rules that “deter sin”. God has called us to freedom and abundant life not to simply narrowly escape sin. For a great perspective from a man on this topic click here As this author states we hinder ourselves from arriving at real biblical solutions when we believe this notion, “  It is the notion that all men lust, hopelessly and helplessly.”

Where are our hearts at and what are we teaching our youth? Are we looking at them with love and compassion or with judgment and condemnation? Are we teaching them who they are in Christ and the infinite value they have that they might walk in confidence in Christ and also value others in the same way? It is true that Jesus said, “if you love me, you’ll obey my commandments.” Do you know what the first and most important commandment is according to Jesus? To love God.  It’s not a long list of rules that somehow make us more Christian than others if we can manage to follow them (which we can’t).  We love because God first loved us, it’s love not condemnation that births in us a desire to obey God. It’s kindness that leads us to repentance. Writing an article in a Christian magazine that makes judgment on a group of young Christian women and their families is not likely to lead to more obedience or repentance. Let’s look at it this way, this woman saw these girls and judged them based on what they were wearing, she “expected more of them”. Let’s turn that on ourselves for a minute and say I’m a Christian from the projects in the inner city and I just arrived at a church in the suburbs. In the parking lot I see BMWs, Mercedes, nice trucks, old vintage cars. My first thought is, “obviously these people don’t really want to honor God because if they did they would listen to all of His teaching about caring for the poor and giving up all that you have to follow Him. Clearly these believers are caught up in materialism and aren’t honoring God.” How are we feeling now? Defensive of ourselves and those we love?  Sure that if they only knew our hearts they would see how much we genuinely love God and others? My point is that whatever the issue is, I don’t believe God would use shame and condemnation to lead us to obedience, to lead us to His heart. Let’s also consider that while we may have “mastered modesty” we are seriously lacking in other areas because we are human. There has to be room for growth no matter how long we’ve walked with the Lord, who our parents are or what church we go to… no one has it altogether. What if we just rejoiced that teenagers were showing up for church at all, were wearing shirts that represented Jesus (do you know how many adults would NEVER wear a Jesus t-shirt for fear of persecution???). I’ve never seen a perfect person in a church, I’ve never seen a perfect person wearing a Christian shirt or a cross necklace and I’ve never thought they weren’t worthy of Christ because of their imperfection. It’s our imperfection that Christ came for, that He died for and conquered with the resurrection.

I wholeheartedly believe in teaching modesty but not from a place of fear or shame or legalism but one of love. We dress modestly because we are convinced of our intrinsic worth and are not seeking validation elsewhere, we dress modestly because we love others and would never want to be a stumbling block to a brother or sister. We, men and women, choose to honor ourselves, one another and the Lord with all that we are because we love Him and we recognize His deep, unfailing, unchanging love for us. 

The burden of hope

It wasn't so much the things she said as it was the look on her face. As I said the words her face crumpled and her eyes shown with desperation. I knew that face or at least I recognized the emotions behind it. I have felt them so many times myself. You know that moment when you almost have enough hope to believe that you are redeemable but the weight of your sin seems insurmountable? You feel unworthy of unmerited favor, you feel like it's probably available for others but not for you, it couldn't possibly be true for you. You're too far gone, your sin is somehow greater than everyone else's, if they only knew all that you had done they wouldn't be speaking such ill-fitted words of fantasy to you, words of...hope.

Why is hope so daunting? Perhaps it's easier to stay in our sin than to face the possibility that we'll fail again. Because if I receive grace and then slap it in the face I prove to be more unworthy than at the start and I cannot bear to feel more unworthy.

And can there really be a God so full of love that He can forgive me over and over again? That he can overlook my failings? Images of a bride dressed in white, clothed by her maker, in His righteousness, swirl in my head and I can't help but see the stains all over her and...what if others can see them too? What if they know how weak I am? What if they see my rebellious heart that has chosen the stains over the pure white gown time and time again? At the very least THEY will know that I am unworthy.

If I knew what the answer was to overcome this, to never have to make that face again or see it on another, I'd put it into practice today, this moment. But... I don't. What I do know is that every time I feel that way, God meets me there. He doesn't meet me with a shaking fist and a scowling face but He meets me with warmth, with open arms, with grace that covers me like a cloak. Grace that covers me. Covers my sin, covers my doubts, covers my fears, covers my shame. Again and again and again... He whispers words of promise over me, "those who know my name will put their trust in me, for I, the Lord, have not forsaken those who seek me" (psalm 9:10). He reminds of a beautiful truth penned by C.S. Lewis, "...the great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him."  He takes the burden and places it on Himself, wrapping me in a beautiful garment of His righteousness where grace and justice wildly intersect making the unclean clean and the desperate filled...with hope.

"I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul shall be joyful in my God: for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, he has covered me with the robe of righteousness..." Isaiah 61:10a

The Burden of Hope, Part 2

This woman's face was a reflection of my own. In her I saw that though I know Jesus I often times don't identify with Him. What He has made clear from His word is that I am his daughter, I am beloved, I am chosen. I am all of those things not because of what I've done but because of what Jesus has done for me. He loved me before the foundations of the world. He knew what my failings and shortcomings would be and chose then to love me and then to give his life for mine. I so often give in to the temptation of believing that my identity is based on what I do rather than on who God says I am. So then when I fail, I somehow feel less than, not quite as righteous or accepted. But Jesus' righteousness covers me and He is never "less righteous" or "less accepted". So I can move forward in joy and freedom, knowing that God is transforming me into His image but not so that He can somehow love me more. He made the greatest demonstration of love that can be made by giving up his life for mine.

I know all this seems simple and basic but it's a place where my heart struggles and needs constant reminders. I pray that as I gain my footing in these truths, others will see that they are true as well.

"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." John 15:13

A piece of the puzzle

Every person, every interaction, conversation...it's a piece of the puzzle. My puzzle, your puzzle, their puzzle. I hate doing puzzles. I stare at them and stare at them and stare at them... None of the pieces seem to fit. Some "almost" fit, those are the worst. You think to yourself "I finally found a match" and place the two pieces together in a moment of triumph only to find that they are just slightly off and you have been defeated once again...by cardboard. Of course it's fancy cardboard so maybe it's not so bad but still, it's basically paper and it's getting the better of you.

So often I find myself saying, "we're just a piece of the puzzle and we may never see the finished product." From our perspective this moment, this interaction, this relationship... just looks like meaningless lines of color on an odd and useless shape.

But if we were the ones who created the puzzle, who drew every detail and cut out the individual pieces and threw them all together in a box anxiously awaiting the day they would be pieced back together to reach their full potential, what satisfaction we would find as the pieces did in fact join in perfect harmony to create the finished product.

When a puzzle is first created it's in one whole piece, but isn't it actually more wonderful after all the broken pieces are painstakingly pieced back together? And painful it is...mending our broken places by attaching them to the broken places of others. Painful, but so beautiful.

From one fancy piece of cardboard to another...thank you for letting me be a part of your puzzle and for being a part of mine.