Living With Chronic Pain- My Messy Beautiful Part Two

This post isn't officially a part of the messy beautiful project but in writing the first one I was inspired to dig in deep into some of the other messy areas of my life.

I've had neck pain and migraines since I was a little girl. I remember curling up in a ball (child's pose for all you yoga buffs out there) on the floor and crying as my head pounded and nausea took over my body.
I went home from school sick all the time. Which to be honest, was kind of nice because it meant my mom had to leave work to come get me so I got to see her and she would always buy me ice cream.

They didn't know a lot about migraine until about 15 years ago, there was really no treatment or understanding of what caused it. So you just had to wait it out. When I was in college they finally came out with a medicine that worked. I could take it and within a few hours I would feel better, it was a miracle. Of course it was expensive but ask any migraine sufferer and they'll tell you it's worth it.

Even with new medication and new understanding of the causes of migraine, mine have been a constant friend (or foe?). Living with chronic pain is hard. You learn to put on a smile and pretend you're ok and continue with your daily tasks but it's hard and it doesn't really get easier. Usually after the 10th day in a row or so of a migraine I break down. I curl up in my bed and cry and cry because I am so discouraged and tired. It's discouraging. I can't do everything I want to do because of the pain and because some things might cause further pain.

One time a friend said to me (regarding my health issues) "what's the worst thing that could happen? You die and go to be with Jesus." To which I responded, "actually, that's the best thing that could happen. The worst thing would be I keep living, and never get better. The worst thing would be that no man ever chooses me to love because he doesn't want to take on lifelong sickness. The worst thing would be I'm not strong enough to care for a family, that would be the worst." And those are the fears that daily plague me. For many women the common fear is that we are too much and not enough all at the same time and adding chronic pain onto that exponentially grows that fear. I hate asking for prayer because I feel like I'm annoying and assume people are tired of hearing about my pain. I also think that I've done such a good job of hiding my pain that people may not actually believe me when I tell them how bad it really is.

This is supposed to be encouraging somehow but sometimes I really don't feel encouraged. I feel worn out and hopeless. I feel like things will never get better and I won't be able to handle that. But then I remember everyday before today and how God gave me the grace to handle it. How He met me in those dark places and spoke life to me. I remember the times I've had with Jesus in the midst of my pain that I never would have had otherwise, the depths we have gone too because of my great need for Him in my weakness. And what I wouldn't give to be healed and free of this pain but yet I'm so grateful for God's faithfulness in the midst of it. We live in a fallen, sin-plagued, painful world but God is able to take our brokenness and pain and work it to good in our lives and I can testify that He does just that.

"And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Following The Rules- My Messy Beautiful

I used to think life had a formula, x+y= success. So if I could just figure out what x and y were, I'd have everything I wanted and live a pain free and joy filled life. I don't know if you've ever taken Algebra, but solving for x and y seems to be an endless and impossible task!

I began thinking this way after my first major heartbreak. You know that first love that absolutely takes over your world? You are elated and terrified all at the same time because you've never been so happy and you're afraid of what will happen if that feeling goes away. And then, it does. And when heartbreak comes we have two choices; we can sit in our pain, feel it to the depths of our soul and slowly allow healing to come or we can close ourselves off from feeling at all, making sure we never feel pain again, or anything else for that matter. The choice I made was the latter. I built up a strong fortress around myself so that no one else could hurt me. I came up with a list of rules for any potential suitors, rules that were impossible, rules that were never meant for human relationship, rules that would lead to my next heartbreak...

I followed the rules and my world came crashing down. And through the wreckage I began to see that life in it's most beautiful state is messy and unorganized and not at all what I expected.

I followed my rules to an engagement. An engagement to the wrong person. Unfortunately, one of my rules was that you could not break off an engagement. In breaking my rules I learned about true grace. I learned that it's ok to be flawed and messy. I learned to sit in my pain, in my confusion and doubt and wait for the crashing waves to grow smaller and smaller and finally recede. I learned to love and be loved. I learned to forgive. I learned to be ok with unanswered questions and that I didn't have to have all the answers.

I wanted to be pleasing to God and to others and so I defined that role myself. But at the end of the day all God wants from me is me. He wants my messy, overly critical, insecure, too quick to speak self. He doesn't want me to clean myself up, that's His job. He doesn't want perfection, He doesn't need it and knows it's not possible. And at the end of the day others don't want my perfection either. They want to see my humanity. They want to know that they aren't the only ones who struggle, who fail over and over again, who doubt, who hurt and hurt others. They want me to be human with them.

And isn't it what we all want at our core? To be known and loved anyways. To be seen for your true self and still thought that you're beautiful? To be able to reveal the ugliest parts of your soul and still be embraced? It's in this place that I find my messy beautiful.