Where I've Been Hiding

If you know me, you probably didn't know I was hiding. You could reach me by cell, email or just pop over, you knew where to find me. But I've been hiding. I've been hiding behind work and busyness. It's amazing what you can avoid by being busy.

I have deep insecurities. Most people don't see it, they see a confident, brave woman. And in some senses they're right. I believe we are all in some ways walking contradictions. I often overcome my fears but they are fears all the same. Sometimes the anxiety is so intense it's paralyzing. So I learned to cope, I coped by staying busy. If I'm busy I can avoid my feelings, I can avoid forming relationships that could lead to rejection, I can avoid taking risks because I simply don't have the time.

A month ago I took on a fourth job. This job was an answer to prayer as I had wanted to leave my restaurant job but needed another source of income if that was to be the case. But I didn't quit the restaurant job. I decided to keep all four jobs because in some sense I find my identity in what I do and because the busier I am the less I have to deal with my glaring insecurity.

I knew God had given me this new job, I knew I wasn't trusting him by hanging onto my restaurant job but I was scared. Scared of letting go, scared of how my finances would be impacted, scared of having time to face all the things I've been avoiding. Scared to come out of hiding.

But this week the Lord made two things clear to me; there are relationships I need to be open to and some I need to be healed in and there are dreams I need to dare to pursue, even if I fail. I am not the sum of what I do or even the sum of who loves me or doesn't. My worth is found in Christ alone but I am in fact worthy.

So today, I put on my girl pants, asked the Lord for strength and quit my job. I quit my job to open myself up to possibilities. The possibility of more joy and inevitably more pain but in the end, the possibility of more.

Nothing I can do... A Total Eclipse of the Heart

I keep watching this clip from Grey's Anatomy over and over. I'm so taken in by it. It's no secret that I'm a hopeless romantic. I love rom coms, happy endings,singing for no reason, fairy tales and all the works of Jane Austen of course. The idea of a love so powerful it takes over and you can't stop yourself from potentially ruining your life just so you can express it. I would HATE for this actual scene to happen to me, and the truth is, I'm sure it's going to end horribly. But the idea of a love so great you are willing to fight for it no matter the cost, I love that idea. I love how brave this man is and sometimes I wish we were all a little more brave. That we were less worried about getting hurt or what others thought of us and that we could just love others. It will cost us to love and they might not love us back but that doesn't make loving someone any less worth while. We all long for this kind of love and I know that in real life love is more about someone holding your hair back while you vomit and picking up your dirty socks but there's got to be room for just laying our hearts on the line and loving people without our self imposed boundaries. I'm sure that life isn't a fairy tale,but I have to believe that there are moments where love is greater than any other force and overcomes everything to be realized, or...not. I don't even really know what I'm saying, I just LOVE this scene!

When life hands you lemons, get out the sweet tea!

I just got back from a two week vacation in the South and saw a sign that said, "When life gives you lemons, get out the sweet tea!" I love that sign and all that implies. Life is going to give you lemons. There will be incredibly sour moments that make you cringe and sometimes cry. But there is always sweet tea. At least in the South anyways! It's true though, my most painful moments are often met by some of the sweetest. Whether through the comfort of a friend, the embrace of a child, the faithful words of Scripture there is an underlying sweetness that if we can just see past the pain we'll find.

But it's not just the consistent gifts in our life that make lemons and sweet tea such a good combination. It's the fact that often through our darkest times we emerge more beautiful having been stripped of the dross that was holding us back and with a greater ability to see the beauty that was already surrounding us everyday. Somehow spending time in a dark place makes things in the light all the more bright, so that even the perfect colors the smog creates at sunset or sun shining through the lone tree in the city park become the most beautiful sights.

We often fight against pain, we resist vulnerability fearing that we'll be so weighed down we'll never emerge. But the truth is we will, the fog will lift and we'll see clearly again, the pain will ease and joy will flood in anew. So don't be afraid to open your heart, to take a risk, to walk away from someone or perhaps towards someone. You will get hurt and will even be the cause of hurt to others but there is beauty in the transforming work of God in our lives as we make ourselves vulnerable to Him and to one another. Open your heart and hands wide and allow the sweet and the sour to mix and make what only the two together can accomplish... the best darn glass of tea you ever had!