Where I've Been Hiding

If you know me, you probably didn't know I was hiding. You could reach me by cell, email or just pop over, you knew where to find me. But I've been hiding. I've been hiding behind work and busyness. It's amazing what you can avoid by being busy.

I have deep insecurities. Most people don't see it, they see a confident, brave woman. And in some senses they're right. I believe we are all in some ways walking contradictions. I often overcome my fears but they are fears all the same. Sometimes the anxiety is so intense it's paralyzing. So I learned to cope, I coped by staying busy. If I'm busy I can avoid my feelings, I can avoid forming relationships that could lead to rejection, I can avoid taking risks because I simply don't have the time.

A month ago I took on a fourth job. This job was an answer to prayer as I had wanted to leave my restaurant job but needed another source of income if that was to be the case. But I didn't quit the restaurant job. I decided to keep all four jobs because in some sense I find my identity in what I do and because the busier I am the less I have to deal with my glaring insecurity.

I knew God had given me this new job, I knew I wasn't trusting him by hanging onto my restaurant job but I was scared. Scared of letting go, scared of how my finances would be impacted, scared of having time to face all the things I've been avoiding. Scared to come out of hiding.

But this week the Lord made two things clear to me; there are relationships I need to be open to and some I need to be healed in and there are dreams I need to dare to pursue, even if I fail. I am not the sum of what I do or even the sum of who loves me or doesn't. My worth is found in Christ alone but I am in fact worthy.

So today, I put on my girl pants, asked the Lord for strength and quit my job. I quit my job to open myself up to possibilities. The possibility of more joy and inevitably more pain but in the end, the possibility of more.

Living With Chronic Pain- My Messy Beautiful Part Two

This post isn't officially a part of the messy beautiful project but in writing the first one I was inspired to dig in deep into some of the other messy areas of my life.

I've had neck pain and migraines since I was a little girl. I remember curling up in a ball (child's pose for all you yoga buffs out there) on the floor and crying as my head pounded and nausea took over my body.
I went home from school sick all the time. Which to be honest, was kind of nice because it meant my mom had to leave work to come get me so I got to see her and she would always buy me ice cream.

They didn't know a lot about migraine until about 15 years ago, there was really no treatment or understanding of what caused it. So you just had to wait it out. When I was in college they finally came out with a medicine that worked. I could take it and within a few hours I would feel better, it was a miracle. Of course it was expensive but ask any migraine sufferer and they'll tell you it's worth it.

Even with new medication and new understanding of the causes of migraine, mine have been a constant friend (or foe?). Living with chronic pain is hard. You learn to put on a smile and pretend you're ok and continue with your daily tasks but it's hard and it doesn't really get easier. Usually after the 10th day in a row or so of a migraine I break down. I curl up in my bed and cry and cry because I am so discouraged and tired. It's discouraging. I can't do everything I want to do because of the pain and because some things might cause further pain.

One time a friend said to me (regarding my health issues) "what's the worst thing that could happen? You die and go to be with Jesus." To which I responded, "actually, that's the best thing that could happen. The worst thing would be I keep living, and never get better. The worst thing would be that no man ever chooses me to love because he doesn't want to take on lifelong sickness. The worst thing would be I'm not strong enough to care for a family, that would be the worst." And those are the fears that daily plague me. For many women the common fear is that we are too much and not enough all at the same time and adding chronic pain onto that exponentially grows that fear. I hate asking for prayer because I feel like I'm annoying and assume people are tired of hearing about my pain. I also think that I've done such a good job of hiding my pain that people may not actually believe me when I tell them how bad it really is.

This is supposed to be encouraging somehow but sometimes I really don't feel encouraged. I feel worn out and hopeless. I feel like things will never get better and I won't be able to handle that. But then I remember everyday before today and how God gave me the grace to handle it. How He met me in those dark places and spoke life to me. I remember the times I've had with Jesus in the midst of my pain that I never would have had otherwise, the depths we have gone too because of my great need for Him in my weakness. And what I wouldn't give to be healed and free of this pain but yet I'm so grateful for God's faithfulness in the midst of it. We live in a fallen, sin-plagued, painful world but God is able to take our brokenness and pain and work it to good in our lives and I can testify that He does just that.

"And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9