Where I've Been Hiding

If you know me, you probably didn't know I was hiding. You could reach me by cell, email or just pop over, you knew where to find me. But I've been hiding. I've been hiding behind work and busyness. It's amazing what you can avoid by being busy.

I have deep insecurities. Most people don't see it, they see a confident, brave woman. And in some senses they're right. I believe we are all in some ways walking contradictions. I often overcome my fears but they are fears all the same. Sometimes the anxiety is so intense it's paralyzing. So I learned to cope, I coped by staying busy. If I'm busy I can avoid my feelings, I can avoid forming relationships that could lead to rejection, I can avoid taking risks because I simply don't have the time.

A month ago I took on a fourth job. This job was an answer to prayer as I had wanted to leave my restaurant job but needed another source of income if that was to be the case. But I didn't quit the restaurant job. I decided to keep all four jobs because in some sense I find my identity in what I do and because the busier I am the less I have to deal with my glaring insecurity.

I knew God had given me this new job, I knew I wasn't trusting him by hanging onto my restaurant job but I was scared. Scared of letting go, scared of how my finances would be impacted, scared of having time to face all the things I've been avoiding. Scared to come out of hiding.

But this week the Lord made two things clear to me; there are relationships I need to be open to and some I need to be healed in and there are dreams I need to dare to pursue, even if I fail. I am not the sum of what I do or even the sum of who loves me or doesn't. My worth is found in Christ alone but I am in fact worthy.

So today, I put on my girl pants, asked the Lord for strength and quit my job. I quit my job to open myself up to possibilities. The possibility of more joy and inevitably more pain but in the end, the possibility of more.