I remember thinking 25 was old. By 25 my life would be settled and all of my plans would have taken shape or at least be in process. Then I turned 25. I felt like I might as well have been 15, I felt like I was only just beginning to discover who I was and none of the things I had planned for 25 had actually happened. Then 30 came and I was in almost the same situation. By this time I knew more of who I was and what I wanted but still felt really far off from the timeline.
Let me give you a glimpse of this proposed timeline that I came up with somewhere in my youth and childhood (where like Julie Andrews, I'm sure I did something good). I was going to go to a four year college and major in the sciences in preparation for medical school. After graduation I would head straight to med school and finish my residency by 29. I would marry at 30 and have my first child at 31. Guys, it was a pretty good plan if you ask me. But NONE of that happened.
My plan didn't come to pass not because I'm not smart enough for med school or desirable enough for marriage. I'm not even completely sure of the "whys" but what I've learned is that when I base my life on timelines I find myself swept up in anxiety, regret, and hopelessness. I find that I am always waiting for the next thing instead of finding joy in the moment. And so many of these unplanned and unforeseen moments have brought with them incredible joy and life and hope.
My desires haven't changed much; I still hope for marriage and family and think I'd be an amazing wife and mom (guys, I'm so much fun and love people something fierce), I'm currently preparing for nursing school because I am still fascinated by medicine and love caring for others. Those core desires really haven't changed much but their expression has followed a very different path than I'd imagined and all my timelines have been left in the dust.
Following Jesus has been a greater adventure than I ever could have dreamed. We can make our plans but ultimately we are seeking his plans and many times they differ from ours. I have had experiences I never could have dreamed for myself. I have been a part of people's lives in ways I couldn't have imagined. I have experienced heartbreaks and disappointments that I would not have put in the plan. Through all the twists and turns one thing I am more certain of is that God has been with me. I am more sure of a loving Creator, Father and Friend than ever and as I continue to let go of the "shoulds" and "what ifs" and cling to Jesus I find more joy and hope than I could have imagined.
My story is incredible and beautiful, messy and painful, purposeful and far different than I had planned. So I keep looking to the one who shaped my heart to shape my future and let go of expectations and timelines. I find myself purposing to take joy in what is instead of what isn't (I admit I suck at this, but some things you just have to keep choosing over and over) and I find rest knowing that God is with me, that his plans are good and that he loves me.
What have you been holding onto? Are there things that you are waiting for that are keeping you from enjoying and flourishing in what already is?
"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven...He has made everything beautiful in its time" Ecclesiastes 3:1,11
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