Following The Rules- My Messy Beautiful

I used to think life had a formula, x+y= success. So if I could just figure out what x and y were, I'd have everything I wanted and live a pain free and joy filled life. I don't know if you've ever taken Algebra, but solving for x and y seems to be an endless and impossible task!

I began thinking this way after my first major heartbreak. You know that first love that absolutely takes over your world? You are elated and terrified all at the same time because you've never been so happy and you're afraid of what will happen if that feeling goes away. And then, it does. And when heartbreak comes we have two choices; we can sit in our pain, feel it to the depths of our soul and slowly allow healing to come or we can close ourselves off from feeling at all, making sure we never feel pain again, or anything else for that matter. The choice I made was the latter. I built up a strong fortress around myself so that no one else could hurt me. I came up with a list of rules for any potential suitors, rules that were impossible, rules that were never meant for human relationship, rules that would lead to my next heartbreak...

I followed the rules and my world came crashing down. And through the wreckage I began to see that life in it's most beautiful state is messy and unorganized and not at all what I expected.

I followed my rules to an engagement. An engagement to the wrong person. Unfortunately, one of my rules was that you could not break off an engagement. In breaking my rules I learned about true grace. I learned that it's ok to be flawed and messy. I learned to sit in my pain, in my confusion and doubt and wait for the crashing waves to grow smaller and smaller and finally recede. I learned to love and be loved. I learned to forgive. I learned to be ok with unanswered questions and that I didn't have to have all the answers.

I wanted to be pleasing to God and to others and so I defined that role myself. But at the end of the day all God wants from me is me. He wants my messy, overly critical, insecure, too quick to speak self. He doesn't want me to clean myself up, that's His job. He doesn't want perfection, He doesn't need it and knows it's not possible. And at the end of the day others don't want my perfection either. They want to see my humanity. They want to know that they aren't the only ones who struggle, who fail over and over again, who doubt, who hurt and hurt others. They want me to be human with them.

And isn't it what we all want at our core? To be known and loved anyways. To be seen for your true self and still thought that you're beautiful? To be able to reveal the ugliest parts of your soul and still be embraced? It's in this place that I find my messy beautiful.