Scaling Walls

Since I was a teenager there a few things that have been consistent prayers of mine. That I would have the privilege of worshipping Jesus with my family and that God would bridge the gap between my heart and theirs after years of feeling disconnected.

My parents have been married for 26 years (my Dad to my stepmom and mom to my stepdad) both remarried the same year after divorcing when I was two years old. Over the years I saw my dad and stepmom less and less and began to question whether they really loved me and in time believed that they didn't and began to close off my heart to them.

I know now that my parents do love me... I can see it in my Dad's eyes when he looks at me and sometimes tears up, I can see it in the thoughtful gifts my stepmom so generously gives me. I don't pretend to understand what it was like to be in their shoes, to have had to make the choices they did or endure the emotional scars they did. I really believe they did their best and I have only to be grateful for that. But with that comes my own set of emotional scars and my choices in dealing with them.

 For years now my Dad has been consistent in my life and yet it's often me that keeps him at a distance. When he first approached my sister and I about wanting another chance at relationship, asking for forgiveness for his absence, I only responded in anger. Years of feeling abandoned and neglected gave rise to feelings of bitterness and sorrow and truth be told I wanted nothing to do with him, I wanted him further away if anything. It was right around this time that I gave my life to Christ and as I grew in my relationship with Him, I learned of true forgiveness and began to see that He not only forgave me but that by His spirit I could offer this gift to others. And so began my journey of forgiving my Dad. I say journey because its not something you do once, forgiveness takes place everytime the wound is opened again. Everytime you look back and remember the pain, you have to choose to forgive, just as we choose to love.

And yet, 10 years later there was still a disconnect. Maybe it's because there wasn't that time of bonding when I was very young and maybe that's not something you can recreate... I don't know. What I do know is I began begging God to remove it, to take down the wall between us and build a relationship with my Dad and stepmom. I never could have imagined how He would answer...in the last year both my Dad and stepmom have been diagnosed with cancer. My stepmom underwent surgery and is now cancer free while my Dad is just days away from major surgery and likely to undergo further treatment from there. The realization that I could lose one of my parents hit hard... especially in light of the disconnect. I knew I didn't want to miss it. I didn't want to miss one second of the time we had left together. My stepmom and I began to bond over my new found hobby of knitting (a long time hobby for her), finally having found common ground we were able to share more than just stitch patterns but pieces of our heart as well.We all spent Christmas morning in worship together, God was answering my prayers above and beyond and through the most unlikely circumstances. Our family began to walk through the joys and trials of life together, as a family, for the first time.
                                                                             ......
It's now two weeks after my Dad's surgery and its been a hard road. I don't know what I had imagined in my head, but I had no idea it would be like this. My Dad hasn't recovered as well or as quickly as we had hoped. There have been several long nights at the hospital, worried phone calls and a lot of tears. What I didn't expect was for the distance to creep back in, I didn't expect it ever really...certainly not now when my family needs me most. But I have found myself dreading the hospital visits and having to force affection with my parents and once again begging God to bridge the gap.

Through tears I shared my struggle with a friend, explaining my confusion at the change in my emotions. Why hadn't this trial brought us even closer? And as any good friend would do she spoke a hard truth to me...maybe it had and in fear of losing what I so desparately longed for I began to rebuild the walls of separation. Watching my Dad stir in and out of consciousness with a breathing tube in for the first few days terrified me.Would God really take him when our family was just beginning to be a family? What else could I do but distance myself again to relieve the pain?

You hear it often said that love is a choice, its times like these when my own heart begs me to run that I have to choose to stay, to love despite the risk. Love is not about a feeling but choosing to love despite our feelings.  And so now my prayer is for a steadfast heart, one that is immoveable and sure. One that others can trust regardless of the circumstances. A heart that loves without barriers or conditions. that courageously scales the walls of my heart rather than building them higher. A heart like the One who began forming this new heart in me years ago when I first cried out to Him for healing, a heart like Jesus.

"Then I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within them, and take the stony heart out of their flesh, and give them a heart of flesh..." Ezekiel 11:19