Abba's Child

Recently, my friend gave me the book "Abba's Child" by Brennan Manning ...she bought it specifically for me...knowing this, I didn't really know what to expect other than it would probably get straight to the heart. I am going to share an excerpt with you below to give you an idea, but first I will say this; For so long I have lived in a world of "self", in fear of other's thoughts towards me, fear that if they really knew who I was they would never love me...this fear causes me to hold people at an arms length, to wear a mask of strength and confidence when really my mind and heart will race the moment we part, overthinking everything I should have done or said to have been pleasing to you, and to daily wrap myself in busyness to avoid the intimacy with Jesus and others my heart so intensely longs for. I don't know if this has ever been your sin, but it is often mine....It can often feel easier to hide yourself from any possibilty of pain than to actually face your pain and even allow others in who may cause you further pain, but...ultimately will bring you great joy as you are allowed to come out of hiding and be "you" as you were meant to be...the you who is fully satisified in Christ.

Here's what Manning wrote as he first dealt with what he calls "the imposter(that's me/and you)" The end is the best, so read it all the way through if you can!

"Good morning, imposter. Surely you are surprised by the cordial greeting. You probably expected, 'Hello, you little jerk,' since I have hammered you from day one on this retreat. Let me begin by admitting that I have been unreasonable, ungrateful and unbalanced in my appraisal of you. (Of course you are aware, puff of smoke, that in addressing you, I am talking to myself. You are not some isolated, impersonal entity living on an asteroid but a real part of me.)

I come to you today not with a rod in hand but with an olive branch. When I was a little shaver and first knew that there was no one there for me, you intervened and showed me where to hide. At that moment in time, you were invaluable. Without your intervention I would have been overwhelmed by dread and paralyzed by fear. You were there for me and played a crucial, protective role in my development. Thank you.

When I was four years old, you taught me how to build a cottage. Remember the game? I would crawl under the covers from the head of the bed to the footrest and pull the sheets, blanket, and pillow over me--actually believing that no one could find me. I felt safe. I'm still amazed at how effectively it worked. My mind would think happy thoughts, and I would spontaneously smile and start to laugh under the covers. We built that cottage together because the world we inhabited was not a friendly place.

But in my construction process you taught me how to hide my real self from everyone and initiated a lifelong process of concealment, containment, and withdrawel. Your resourcefulness enabled me to survive. But then your manevolent side appeared and you began lying to me. "Brennan," you whispered, "if you persist in this folly of being yourself, your few longsuffering friends will hit the bricks, leaving you all alone. Stuff your feelings, shut down your memories, withhold your opinions, and develop social graces so you'll fit in wherever you are."

And so, the elaborate game of pretense and deception began. Because it worked I raised no objection. As the years rolled by, you-I got strokes from a variety of sources. We were elated and concluded the game must go on.

But you needed someone to bridle you and rein you in. I had neither the perception nor the courage to tame you, so you continued to rumble like Sherman through Atlanta, gathering momentum along the way. Your appetite for attention and affirmation became insatiable. I never confronted you with the lie because I was deceived myself.

The bottom line, my pampered playmate, is that you are both needy and selfish. You need care, love, and a safe dwelling place. On this last day in the Rockies my gift is to take you where, unknowingly, you have longed to be--into the presence of Jesus. Your days of running riot are history. From now on, you slow down, slow very down.

In His presence, I notice that you have already begun to shrink. Wanna know somethin' little guy? You're much more attractive that way. I am nicknaming you 'Pee-Wee.' Naturally, you are not going to roll over suddenly and die. I know you will get disgruntled at times and start to act out, but the longer you spend time in the presence of Jesus, the more accustomed you grow to His face, the less adulation you will need because you will have discovered for yourself that He is enough. And in the very Presence, you will delight in the discovery of what it means to live by grace and not by performance.
Your friend,
Brennan"