On the Eve of Nursing School Graduation

I can't believe the day is finally here. I know it seems silly to say finally when my entire program was only 15 months, but have you ever had 15 months that felt like five years? That's what this was like. And to be honest, there were days I wasn't sure I'd make it here at all. But nonetheless, here I am. Grateful, hopeful, exhausted, excited, nervous, a little fearful.

I haven't written on here since before nursing school because I simply haven't had the energy. I've had so many thoughts I've wanted to share but couldn't manage to get them out in a way that would make sense and also, I didn't have the energy to be that vulnerable in my sharing. Writing is an incredibly vulnerable thing, people can misinterpret you or judge you and there's not much you can do about it. You just put your heart all over a page and hope it comes back to you intact and still beating and maybe even a little stronger if all goes well.

I've learned a lot this year. Of course, I learned a lot about being a nurse but I also learned a lot about being a human too. I'll spare you the details of nursing interventions for gastritis and keep this space for the stuff that unites us, the how to be human and try to not to suck at it kind of learning.

First things first, I really sucked this year. I mean, think of all the worst things about yourself and if you somehow did all the things and were all the things and thought all the things... all the very worst things, all at the very same time. That was me this year. I went into nursing school to learn how to help people, how to heal people. I came out realizing how much healing and help I needed myself. Here's the thing: it's ok if you suck sometimes. No really, it is. No matter what, we are human and we will never be perfect, but we can learn and we can grow and sometimes we don't see all the ways we need to grow and learn and heal until they are broadcast for all the world to see, until we are face to face with our suckiness.

I have never felt pressure like I did this year and you know what guys, I didn't handle it well at all. Like, Not. At. All. I was pressed in from all sides and it got real gross and gooey and I just kind of had to sit in my filth and look at it and realize I was powerless to get myself out.

I didn't sit down to write this to confess to all of you, I sat down to write this because in what has proved to be one of the most difficult, yucky years of my life, I have profoundly seen and felt and received the grace of God. In every circumstance this year, God was gracious, abundantly so. I have not earned it or deserved it, but grace abounded nonetheless. In every circumstance this year, God was with me, even in the yucky places, when I was at my suckiest (clearly didn't learn new and sophisticated vocabulary this year), God never left.

This year I was reminded of how gracious God is, I experienced it in ways I never have before and it changed me. This year I learned to be gracious with myself. I'm not going to always get things right, sometimes I willfully choose what's wrong (spoiler alert-I'm not the first human to do this).

This year I also learned that other people are incredibly gracious too. I tend to not give other humans enough credit. I don't believe that they will love and accept me when they find out about all my suckiness so I try to keep it to myself. But this year, there was no hiding it, it was on display for all to see and guess what? No one left. Not even one person. They all still love me and some seem to love me even more and that's insane, but also wonderful, really really wonderful.

I don't know where you're at or if or when you'll face your suckiness or that of your loved one but here's my advice when you do, be gracious. Be gracious with yourself and be gracious with others. We are most transformed when we are loved for who we are. One of the most empowering things is being able to bring our gross, yucky selves to someone and still be loved, it moves us, it motivates us and it changes us. This is the power of the gospel, Jesus does this for us and we have the power to do it for one another.

If you're reading this, thank you. Thank you for being gracious with me, I don't deserve it, you may not be rewarded for it, but I am changed by it and forever grateful. My prayer is that I will be one who offers that same grace to others and my prayer is that all of us will find it in Jesus and receive it well, that it may heal our souls.

Tomorrow I graduate and not much will change, but also, everything will change. New challenges will come, new opportunities to give and receive grace, new hopes will form and dreams will be realized, there will be loss and pain, but there will also be love and joy and I'm ready. I'm ready for that next step, I'm grateful that God is always with me and friend, I'm grateful that you're with me too.

All my love,
Your Sometimes Very Sucky Friend