Recently, my friend gave me the book "Abba's Child" by Brennan Manning ...she bought it specifically for me...knowing this, I didn't really know what to expect other than it would probably get straight to the heart. I am going to share an excerpt with you below to give you an idea, but first I will say this; For so long I have lived in a world of "self", in fear of other's thoughts towards me, fear that if they really knew who I was they would never love me...this fear causes me to hold people at an arms length, to wear a mask of strength and confidence when really my mind and heart will race the moment we part, overthinking everything I should have done or said to have been pleasing to you, and to daily wrap myself in busyness to avoid the intimacy with Jesus and others my heart so intensely longs for. I don't know if this has ever been your sin, but it is often mine....It can often feel easier to hide yourself from any possibilty of pain than to actually face your pain and even allow others in who may cause you further pain, but...ultimately will bring you great joy as you are allowed to come out of hiding and be "you" as you were meant to be...the you who is fully satisified in Christ.
Here's what Manning wrote as he first dealt with what he calls "the imposter(that's me/and you)" The end is the best, so read it all the way through if you can!
"Good morning, imposter. Surely you are surprised by the cordial greeting. You probably expected, 'Hello, you little jerk,' since I have hammered you from day one on this retreat. Let me begin by admitting that I have been unreasonable, ungrateful and unbalanced in my appraisal of you. (Of course you are aware, puff of smoke, that in addressing you, I am talking to myself. You are not some isolated, impersonal entity living on an asteroid but a real part of me.)
I come to you today not with a rod in hand but with an olive branch. When I was a little shaver and first knew that there was no one there for me, you intervened and showed me where to hide. At that moment in time, you were invaluable. Without your intervention I would have been overwhelmed by dread and paralyzed by fear. You were there for me and played a crucial, protective role in my development. Thank you.
When I was four years old, you taught me how to build a cottage. Remember the game? I would crawl under the covers from the head of the bed to the footrest and pull the sheets, blanket, and pillow over me--actually believing that no one could find me. I felt safe. I'm still amazed at how effectively it worked. My mind would think happy thoughts, and I would spontaneously smile and start to laugh under the covers. We built that cottage together because the world we inhabited was not a friendly place.
But in my construction process you taught me how to hide my real self from everyone and initiated a lifelong process of concealment, containment, and withdrawel. Your resourcefulness enabled me to survive. But then your manevolent side appeared and you began lying to me. "Brennan," you whispered, "if you persist in this folly of being yourself, your few longsuffering friends will hit the bricks, leaving you all alone. Stuff your feelings, shut down your memories, withhold your opinions, and develop social graces so you'll fit in wherever you are."
And so, the elaborate game of pretense and deception began. Because it worked I raised no objection. As the years rolled by, you-I got strokes from a variety of sources. We were elated and concluded the game must go on.
But you needed someone to bridle you and rein you in. I had neither the perception nor the courage to tame you, so you continued to rumble like Sherman through Atlanta, gathering momentum along the way. Your appetite for attention and affirmation became insatiable. I never confronted you with the lie because I was deceived myself.
The bottom line, my pampered playmate, is that you are both needy and selfish. You need care, love, and a safe dwelling place. On this last day in the Rockies my gift is to take you where, unknowingly, you have longed to be--into the presence of Jesus. Your days of running riot are history. From now on, you slow down, slow very down.
In His presence, I notice that you have already begun to shrink. Wanna know somethin' little guy? You're much more attractive that way. I am nicknaming you 'Pee-Wee.' Naturally, you are not going to roll over suddenly and die. I know you will get disgruntled at times and start to act out, but the longer you spend time in the presence of Jesus, the more accustomed you grow to His face, the less adulation you will need because you will have discovered for yourself that He is enough. And in the very Presence, you will delight in the discovery of what it means to live by grace and not by performance.
Your friend,
Brennan"
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Paging Doctor Love
ok, so I went in for an appt. with my doctor today regarding my migraines and HE said, "you need to marry a rich man who can pay for a live in massage therapist...oh! I think I know just the guy...I will talk to him." I...uh...what just happened? My (did I mention he's a he? awkward!) doctor just decided he was the one to find my future husband...it was like he was my best girlfriend all of sudden! I could feel my cheeks flush as I burst into nervous laughter and said something like "a husband would be great but I'm not sure about being rich and the live-in whoever" ...then I just laughed some more. I'm not kidding you, he wrote on his notepad something about finding me a husband before proceeding to ask me how I felt about guys who were "kind of nerdy", "not so tall", and oh...."what about an older guy?" Now there's all this talk about doctors being comprehensive and taking care of the "whole person"... I think my doctor took that to the next level today! Quite an experience :)
Silly bands and Hot Cheetos
Middle School...
Silly Bands
Well I've officially joined the ranks of middle schoolers around the world...I am wearing silly bands! I was given 3 by my students yesterday...let the trading begin! ;)
Hot Cheetos
At retreat last week we had the privilege of having Dana, a Korean exchange student in our cabin. She is wild and was a lot of fun! She taught us all a little Korean and we learned how to say "I love Hot Cheetos" which sounds like this, "Na hotcheetos chuwahe" and "No Hot Cheetos for you!" which sounds like, "nohanten hotcheetos anjo!" She also video taped me eating my first ever Hot Cheeto....I'm just waiting for that lovely film to show up on facebook!
Silly Bands
Well I've officially joined the ranks of middle schoolers around the world...I am wearing silly bands! I was given 3 by my students yesterday...let the trading begin! ;)
Hot Cheetos
At retreat last week we had the privilege of having Dana, a Korean exchange student in our cabin. She is wild and was a lot of fun! She taught us all a little Korean and we learned how to say "I love Hot Cheetos" which sounds like this, "Na hotcheetos chuwahe" and "No Hot Cheetos for you!" which sounds like, "nohanten hotcheetos anjo!" She also video taped me eating my first ever Hot Cheeto....I'm just waiting for that lovely film to show up on facebook!
Santa Barbara, A kid named Ben, Slavery...All in a Tuesday evening
I've been traveling to Santa Barbara every Tuesday for massage therapy and each week has brought different blessings. I'm sure it seems weird to travel an hour for a massage but my friend who does massage there does the only type of massage that has ever helped with my migraines and I finally decided it was at least worth a try and if helps definitely worth making the drive every week. Not to mention it's a beautiful drive and I have great friends to visit with in town...Tuesdays have turned out to be a sweet blessing.
Yesterday, I decided to attend a class at Reality Carpinteria called "Renew" the topic of the evening was human trafficking and slavery one that I am well acquainted with. But let's back up a bit and talk about Ben... I stopped at a gas station in SB on my way out of town and first saw Nickie, an older homeless man who had obviously been drinking and asked me for a dollar for a beer (its' funny there is this idea that if you are honest about what you want to do with a stranger's money they will be more likely to give it to you even if it will just make things worse...although I guess a lot of people wouldn't even take the time to ask...) In the midst of talking with him, Ben walked up. Ben is 22, an alcoholic and living on the streets of Santa Barbara. My heart broke instantly for him, he is just a kid and feels as if everyone in the world has given up on him, even the sober-living home he had tried to check into. I asked him about his story and then began to tell him that Jesus was a sure hope, someone who could give him the power to overcome his sin, someone who had already done that on the cross, he needed only to repent and believe. Ben had no problem believing that he was a sinner (which admittedly, was refreshing), but he wasn't sold on who God actually was. Sure, there was a higher power, a creator but he wasn't ready to call Jesus Lord. I challenged him that if there was in fact a Creator, there was likely just one and He probably had a name, this he responded well too...maybe that was true.
When Ben first approached me, he asked for a hot dog, sadly the gas station was all out but he settled for a cheese danish, we got one for Nickie too.
So, what's the point? There was a time when I might have feared such an interaction, I'm not sure I would have so boldly conversed with 2 homeless men on my own but now...I don't know how I couldn't. I have met so many broken hearts in the last few years as we do outreach on the streets of LA, so many who have no glimpse of hope in their present lives and yet I know the greatest hope of all....the hope of life in Christ. I have seen Jesus pull so many out of the depths, including myself and I can no longer keep this hope inside all to myself.
I'm so thankful for what Jesus has done in my life and I long to see others walk in the hope, joy and freedom that is only possible with Him.
Please pray for Ben and so many others like him that they would come to a saving knowledge of Christ and their lives would be radically changed by Him.
After this I grabbed a quick bite to eat and headed to class in Carpinteria. I didn't really know what to expect... I knew the topic and who was speaking but had no idea how much I needed to hear what was being said. Human trafficking and slavery is what I am faced with every week as we reach out with After Hours ministry and as I mentioned in a previous post we are sort of at a standstill in our ministry...not that we aren't doing any but we are feeling that God is asking us to take things to the next level and we are unsure what that looks like. Hearing from the staff worker with "Not For Sale" began to spark vision in me for our next steps. There is so much I want to do and I have no idea how it will all work but I am excited about the possible opportunities before me.
We are meeting this Friday, our normal outreach day, to simply pray for the ministry (we always pray but this is specifically focused on moving forward) and what God would have us do next. If you have read this, would you pray for us, that we will hear from Him and have the faith to move forward in the things He shows us.
The speaker also talked A LOT about Cambodia, a country and a people that are so near to my heart. As we are planning to head back there this Christmas it only lit the fire in me more to go and be effective in the things God has for us there.
Thank you for reading and thank you for praying.
Blessings friends!
Yesterday, I decided to attend a class at Reality Carpinteria called "Renew" the topic of the evening was human trafficking and slavery one that I am well acquainted with. But let's back up a bit and talk about Ben... I stopped at a gas station in SB on my way out of town and first saw Nickie, an older homeless man who had obviously been drinking and asked me for a dollar for a beer (its' funny there is this idea that if you are honest about what you want to do with a stranger's money they will be more likely to give it to you even if it will just make things worse...although I guess a lot of people wouldn't even take the time to ask...) In the midst of talking with him, Ben walked up. Ben is 22, an alcoholic and living on the streets of Santa Barbara. My heart broke instantly for him, he is just a kid and feels as if everyone in the world has given up on him, even the sober-living home he had tried to check into. I asked him about his story and then began to tell him that Jesus was a sure hope, someone who could give him the power to overcome his sin, someone who had already done that on the cross, he needed only to repent and believe. Ben had no problem believing that he was a sinner (which admittedly, was refreshing), but he wasn't sold on who God actually was. Sure, there was a higher power, a creator but he wasn't ready to call Jesus Lord. I challenged him that if there was in fact a Creator, there was likely just one and He probably had a name, this he responded well too...maybe that was true.
When Ben first approached me, he asked for a hot dog, sadly the gas station was all out but he settled for a cheese danish, we got one for Nickie too.
So, what's the point? There was a time when I might have feared such an interaction, I'm not sure I would have so boldly conversed with 2 homeless men on my own but now...I don't know how I couldn't. I have met so many broken hearts in the last few years as we do outreach on the streets of LA, so many who have no glimpse of hope in their present lives and yet I know the greatest hope of all....the hope of life in Christ. I have seen Jesus pull so many out of the depths, including myself and I can no longer keep this hope inside all to myself.
I'm so thankful for what Jesus has done in my life and I long to see others walk in the hope, joy and freedom that is only possible with Him.
Please pray for Ben and so many others like him that they would come to a saving knowledge of Christ and their lives would be radically changed by Him.
After this I grabbed a quick bite to eat and headed to class in Carpinteria. I didn't really know what to expect... I knew the topic and who was speaking but had no idea how much I needed to hear what was being said. Human trafficking and slavery is what I am faced with every week as we reach out with After Hours ministry and as I mentioned in a previous post we are sort of at a standstill in our ministry...not that we aren't doing any but we are feeling that God is asking us to take things to the next level and we are unsure what that looks like. Hearing from the staff worker with "Not For Sale" began to spark vision in me for our next steps. There is so much I want to do and I have no idea how it will all work but I am excited about the possible opportunities before me.
We are meeting this Friday, our normal outreach day, to simply pray for the ministry (we always pray but this is specifically focused on moving forward) and what God would have us do next. If you have read this, would you pray for us, that we will hear from Him and have the faith to move forward in the things He shows us.
The speaker also talked A LOT about Cambodia, a country and a people that are so near to my heart. As we are planning to head back there this Christmas it only lit the fire in me more to go and be effective in the things God has for us there.
Thank you for reading and thank you for praying.
Blessings friends!
Saturday, October 02, 2010
After Hours Outreach, October 1st, 2010
"From the end of the earth I will cry to you, when my heart is overwhelmed; lead to the rock that is higher than I" Psalm 61:2
I hardly know what to write after last night, it was intense. The city was filled with people and it seemed like there was chaos everywhere. Even before we hit the track we talked about how it seemed we had hit a wall in our ministry... we needed to take things to the next level, but what did that mean really? Not to say that we answered that last night, but I certainly felt it. There are just a few people I want to share about...
C****** and C****, a man and a woman walking together...at first they walked by us but then Julia offered the woman a gift bag and Daryl asked if we could pray for them. He was very excited to receive prayer and began telling us all the ways we could pray for them, mostly for her. After we prayed she said, "I know what you guys are thinking but I'm just dressed like this because it's hot"...we told her we just wanted to talk to her about Jesus and pray for her. The interesting part was that the guy with her said to her, "no, they are talking about your heart"... now, I can pretty much guarantee that she was working and he most likely had something to do with that, but there was a genuineness in him that seemed to really want to let God work.
C*** is a little older and recognized us from our times there before. She kept saying things like, "oh great, I'll be sure to tell the other girls about that" as though she was very content with her life and didn't need rescuing herself...I don't know if she really does think she is fine or if it is a cover and she will eventually let her guard down, but either way that's our prayer: that the walls would come down so Christ could come in and set her free.
V******* couldn't have been more than 14 years old, it took everything in me not to take her off the streets with me right there and then. She said she was coming from a party and didn't have the money for the train to get home, obviously she would need to "work" for the money. She said her father was in prison and apparently her brother was just down the street, waiting to meet her. I don't really know what to say, its devastating to see a young girl put in that position, most likely believing that it is her only option, and yet not even seeing as Daryl put it, "the train wreck her life is headed for". Please pray that we will be able to contact her again and that she will be open with us and be willing to get off the streets.
There is one other woman I wanted to mention, actually one of the first we saw, when she saw us she said, "not tonight, not tonight...I know God is with me, i know God" She said she would take a gift bag but didn't want to talk tonight. Isn't that how we can be? She was obviously convicted by our presence and if she wanted to continue in her sin she had to get out of there. How often do we say that to the Holy Spirit ourselves? "I know You, but not tonight...I'm going to do things my way."
We are so devastated in our flesh, so desparately unaware of our need for our Savior, so broken and hardened, so deceived...I left the night feeling so overwhelmed, like the burden was too much bear. I cried the whole way home and asked the Lord to take these burdens which I know are not mine to bear. He is so faithful, pursuing after us relentlessly, I know my heartbreak is but a glimpse of His for the lost. Would you please continue to pray for the men and women in the game, that they will come to know Jesus and He will set them free. Will you pray for After Hours Ministry, for our next steps to be made clear to us by the Holy Spirit and for the faith and the means to carry them out. Will you pray that we will see what God is doing rather than what we expect and that He will bring us in step with His plans for His glory.
Blessings to you!
I hardly know what to write after last night, it was intense. The city was filled with people and it seemed like there was chaos everywhere. Even before we hit the track we talked about how it seemed we had hit a wall in our ministry... we needed to take things to the next level, but what did that mean really? Not to say that we answered that last night, but I certainly felt it. There are just a few people I want to share about...
C****** and C****, a man and a woman walking together...at first they walked by us but then Julia offered the woman a gift bag and Daryl asked if we could pray for them. He was very excited to receive prayer and began telling us all the ways we could pray for them, mostly for her. After we prayed she said, "I know what you guys are thinking but I'm just dressed like this because it's hot"...we told her we just wanted to talk to her about Jesus and pray for her. The interesting part was that the guy with her said to her, "no, they are talking about your heart"... now, I can pretty much guarantee that she was working and he most likely had something to do with that, but there was a genuineness in him that seemed to really want to let God work.
C*** is a little older and recognized us from our times there before. She kept saying things like, "oh great, I'll be sure to tell the other girls about that" as though she was very content with her life and didn't need rescuing herself...I don't know if she really does think she is fine or if it is a cover and she will eventually let her guard down, but either way that's our prayer: that the walls would come down so Christ could come in and set her free.
V******* couldn't have been more than 14 years old, it took everything in me not to take her off the streets with me right there and then. She said she was coming from a party and didn't have the money for the train to get home, obviously she would need to "work" for the money. She said her father was in prison and apparently her brother was just down the street, waiting to meet her. I don't really know what to say, its devastating to see a young girl put in that position, most likely believing that it is her only option, and yet not even seeing as Daryl put it, "the train wreck her life is headed for". Please pray that we will be able to contact her again and that she will be open with us and be willing to get off the streets.
There is one other woman I wanted to mention, actually one of the first we saw, when she saw us she said, "not tonight, not tonight...I know God is with me, i know God" She said she would take a gift bag but didn't want to talk tonight. Isn't that how we can be? She was obviously convicted by our presence and if she wanted to continue in her sin she had to get out of there. How often do we say that to the Holy Spirit ourselves? "I know You, but not tonight...I'm going to do things my way."
We are so devastated in our flesh, so desparately unaware of our need for our Savior, so broken and hardened, so deceived...I left the night feeling so overwhelmed, like the burden was too much bear. I cried the whole way home and asked the Lord to take these burdens which I know are not mine to bear. He is so faithful, pursuing after us relentlessly, I know my heartbreak is but a glimpse of His for the lost. Would you please continue to pray for the men and women in the game, that they will come to know Jesus and He will set them free. Will you pray for After Hours Ministry, for our next steps to be made clear to us by the Holy Spirit and for the faith and the means to carry them out. Will you pray that we will see what God is doing rather than what we expect and that He will bring us in step with His plans for His glory.
Blessings to you!
Patience...
Well, let's be honest here... I feel fortunate (or maybe its more like "they" should feel fortunate) that I didn't actually kill any jr. high kids this week. Ok, ok, I'm not a violent person, I promise! There were several times though when I wanted to hide myself in a closet and just let them run amuck :/ We have only been in school 1 month and it has been a very rough start. I think I've given out more lunch detentions and trash duties in this last month than the last two years combined! This week our high school went on retreat and with them most of the teachers, this left me with 7 middle school classes to teach each day...I'm pretty sure that is past the legal limit! Sure enough by Friday afternoon, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry...and actually did both.
Don't get me wrong, I love my kids...And, sometimes they are so sweet and funny but other times they push me so far I didn't even know that realm of impatience (that's Christianese for anger) existed.
Ironically (By God's design and the leading of His Holy Spirit), a good friend and I prayed for just that earlier this week, for His heart for our kids, for patience and love not just in our hearts but evidenced in our actions. Sadly, I think all I did was demonstrate that I don't actually have any patience at all. I read 1 Corinthians 13 somewhere mid-week and tried so hard to insert my name where it says "love" but when it came down to it, it went something like this..."Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8...Jen is not patient, nor kind, she is rude and always insists on her own way, she is irritable and resentful, she refuses to bear anything, believes the worst....
What to make of all this? Well first, if you pray for patience know that God WILL give you opportunities to grow in that area, He is faithful and will gladly help us grow in our character, especially when we ask! Reading the above paragraphs may sound pretty hopeless....But, God.... I love those two words! I fail, over and over again, like Paul, I do the things I don't want to do and dont do the things I do want to do. But hopeless, never....not with Jesus. I rejoice because the Holy Spirit is able and willing to convict me of my sin and show me how only God is able to overcome it, but not only that, He already has. He is able to give me a heart of flesh for a heart of stone, He is able to bridle my tongue and my heart, He is able to grow in me a gentle, loving patience for His kids, He is able to conform me into the image of His Son. And just as the Lord doesn't walk away from us, I am committed to my kids.... I won't lock myself in another room so that I become inaccessible, by His grace we'll walk through this process of refinement together. And so, I thankfully press on and hope...
"Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me." Philippians 3:12
Don't get me wrong, I love my kids...And, sometimes they are so sweet and funny but other times they push me so far I didn't even know that realm of impatience (that's Christianese for anger) existed.
Ironically (By God's design and the leading of His Holy Spirit), a good friend and I prayed for just that earlier this week, for His heart for our kids, for patience and love not just in our hearts but evidenced in our actions. Sadly, I think all I did was demonstrate that I don't actually have any patience at all. I read 1 Corinthians 13 somewhere mid-week and tried so hard to insert my name where it says "love" but when it came down to it, it went something like this..."Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8...Jen is not patient, nor kind, she is rude and always insists on her own way, she is irritable and resentful, she refuses to bear anything, believes the worst....
What to make of all this? Well first, if you pray for patience know that God WILL give you opportunities to grow in that area, He is faithful and will gladly help us grow in our character, especially when we ask! Reading the above paragraphs may sound pretty hopeless....But, God.... I love those two words! I fail, over and over again, like Paul, I do the things I don't want to do and dont do the things I do want to do. But hopeless, never....not with Jesus. I rejoice because the Holy Spirit is able and willing to convict me of my sin and show me how only God is able to overcome it, but not only that, He already has. He is able to give me a heart of flesh for a heart of stone, He is able to bridle my tongue and my heart, He is able to grow in me a gentle, loving patience for His kids, He is able to conform me into the image of His Son. And just as the Lord doesn't walk away from us, I am committed to my kids.... I won't lock myself in another room so that I become inaccessible, by His grace we'll walk through this process of refinement together. And so, I thankfully press on and hope...
"Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me." Philippians 3:12
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