Jesus

I've been walking with the Lord for about 15 years now and it amazes me how much I have yet to learn. I look at who my Savior is and I think "how will I ever get there?" and the truth is, I won't. But I am not discouraged by this fact but instead I am overwhelmed by His grace and patience with me, by the fact that He doesn't leave me as I am but is constantly molding and shaping me.

In the last few years I have felt emotions I thought I never would, especially as a believer.
I have seen weakness in me so vast that I have wondered how anyone could love and pursue me, especially the perfect God. Yet.... He does. He loves me, so tenderly, so purely, He never falters even when I do. I have seen love displayed by my Savior in the smallest of actions, in the whisperings of His voice, in the firmness of His grip.

When I gave my life to Jesus I didn't become sinless, I am still walking around in my flesh, but as I walk with Him I should begin to sin less. I have noticed lately that reactions of anger or frustration I would normally have are replaced with grace and mercy...sadly it is not always instant but the turn around time has become less. I can see that He is changing me and though I would happily forego the circumstances by which these necessary changes come, I am thankful.

I have done nothing to deserve this love, in fact I have really only done the opposite...yet, He lavishes His love upon me. As I worshipped Him on Good Friday for His necessary sacrifice, I reflected on 3 words He spoke on the cross, "It is finished."And it is. He has paid the price, He has redeemed my life with His, NOTHING can change this. He came to do what He said He was going to do. It is so easy to give in to the enemies lies of condemnation but the truth is that Jesus came, not to condemn but give life! There is so much hope in just those three words... there is nothing for me to do, He has accomplished all.

I've been having this ongoing conversation, first with a dear friend then with my students, "would you desire heaven, if it was perfect in every way, but Jesus wasn't there?" The idea is to check our hearts, our motives... what are we pursuing after? Is it rewards, is it a life free from pain (not that these things are bad in and of themselves) or are we pursuing Jesus Himself? This is a tough question to answer! This all started because I realized how often I do the right thing, simply because I know it is right, rather than out of a response of love for Jesus. The point of it all is I am begging God to draw me into that place, I know in my head that He is all that I am seeking, but sometimes my heart leads me astray as though anything else could even compare.

What is also surprising is that I was going along, just living life, feeling as though things were very status quo... then, suddenly my world was shaken, first in one area, then another, then another, and I found myself on my knees clinging to the One who is my firm foundation. Maybe you think its funny that this suprised me, but the fact of the matter is that my life is hardly ever status quo or mundane... so maybe that is actually the surprising part. Either way, He is working and He is faithful and I love Him and I am so so so thankful that He loves me, just the way that I am.

If you're reading this, wow... you have endured! I do pray that you are blessed and encouraged as a child of God, you are His!

With Love and prayers, Jen